I am sad. I am lonely.
I am anxious. I am scared.
I am useless.
If someone asked me "what do you like to do?"
I'd have nothing to say
Because all I do is listen to music and scroll through Instagram like a loser
Picture of that one girl group that have been friends since elementary, scroll.
Selfie of a girl who I used to know, scroll.
Picture of a girl and her boyfriend at the beach, look at it
Scroll.
God, I wish that were me.
It makes me want to pull out my hair when I realize how
talentless
and stupid
I am
I want to be part of that cool kid group. But they never glance my way.
I want to date someone, but I've hardly ever been in a real relationship.
Who could love me?
Who would love me?
But it will never happen,
at least not what I fantasize about;
the romantic in me.
Holding hands, they walk me to class.
But no, stop, I am too afraid.
And I am not beautiful.
And I've never kissed anyone
I'd been close, once, but it was at a middle
school dance and I said "no"
But maybe I regret that now.
I remember I gave that boy a polaroid of myself,
feeling as if I was in a movie
I wonder where it is now.
But a first kiss,
I wanted to save it for someone special
but that'll never happen now
Nobody would want to kiss me,
let alone someone "special"
I am just so afraid
But I want love
love
love
love
Why has that been the only thing I've looked for my entire life?
I can't even make friends
How will I get a lover?
The word lover, I hate it
I listen to sad songs about love,
and feel their sadness as well
How? I don't know
Laying on my bed,
staring at the ceiling,
I wish I could be someone else
Someone who could be loved
and not manipulated, like I
so easily am
Why do I attract narcissists?
And people who use me
I just want to find someone,
someone true
Is that so impossible?
For me, I suppose it is
The only reason someone would love me
is because I can never say
"No"
or get into a fight. Because I'd be scared
Scared they'd leave me
Because all I am good at is being nice and
never say no
And that's the only reason someone would want
me
I can't play hard to get, I don't think I ever will be able to
I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be so afraid.
I don't want to be so unlovable.
I don't, I don't, I don't
I could go on forever.

Sometimes I try to think of my future
but I can't think of anything at all
It's just a blank spot in my brain.
I don't know anything, it's so sad
Now that high school is almost over,
I feel I have wasted it.
It was nothing like the movies I watched in
middle school.
It's wasted, there's nothing I can do
I'll never get asked to prom,
no one I like will like me back
I'll never have a best friend
I know it
I know it.

I want to be in a tiny studio apartment,
looking out into the city at night,
watching the people below my window
Knowing I could never be that
Have fun like that
Without worrying and feeling disgusted
with myself.
Am I really that unlovable?
I'd hope not,
but I know it's true

If only I could be a regular teenager.
Everyday feels the same.
I get excited on Fridays, but why?
To sleep in?
I have no friends to do anything with,
no plans
I always wanted to feel included
but I know it'll never happen,
I'll never be part of a big friend group
or even a small one
All the ones I've had, we went our separate ways
And it's too late now,
Too late now.

I just want love, it's all I've ever looked for
And to be that girl I always wanted to be
But even that girl, I don't know her either
All I know is that she is beautiful
Unlike me.

I'm nothing but an scarred face
No brain, no feelings
Just a hopeless train wreck of a case
At least that's what you all see in me
I find it hard to ignore what people really think about me
I'm just afraid of what I'll turn into and be
With all these thoughts and ideas running through my head
Some days deep inside I feel like I should be dead
Other days I wish everyone would just disappear
Then I'll really know what it's like to be alone
Soon I'll be wishing for everyone to slowly reappear
Right in front of my eyes so I won't be forever alone
I’m over everything and everyone
Life is a giant Manipulation game
Walking around hurting people and escaping the blame
People hurt each other and I'm fed up
Im over it, I'm on the verge of ******* giving up
There's to many people walking around with fake masks on
I'm scared of taking mine off Showing what's really happening deep down
I'm scared of what people will think of me
If everyone finally got to meet the real me

High school is a prison
guards march the halls
watching us like hawks
waiting to ****** us up
for any transgression
we just scuttle along
with our heads down low

High school is a prison
bells ringing sharp as knives
telling us where we can go
and when we can go there
we line up for meager food
it's time for lunch now
hope I don't get poisoned

This is a story begun
Never ended

Everytime I try
Just shush, just listen
It's all fuzzy, glitching

I can not seem to find my motivation in anything
Unless prompted by a grade

I can pass your course, yet I'll fail my life
I'd dream myself to be something other than a student
If your class didnt take all my time

If I did not spend my nights trying to find a reason why ...
Knowledge makes me want to die
Consume my mind

A few more credits to accredit my worth

Unassisted, a lack of support tore my nature to explore
and gave me the power to put on a wry smile and lie

Mutter, "I'm fine"

So when, again
Are you gonna get out of my head
Leave my daydreams
And take me by the hand
Lead me out
Onto the floor
At this ****** high school dance
Fortnite dance
Because you know
It ****** me off
Until we get kicked out
For being too loud

That's okay
We'll just head back to your place
Watch some awful
Horror movies
While your hand
Sneaks up my leg
I'll probably kick you
And pin you down
But that's how you like it
Isn't that right
Bite my neck
Until I beg you to stop
Tickle my sides
To break the silence
And wait a while
For me to fall asleep
Just so you can wake me up
And remind me
That it was just a dream

I miss the person I was in elementary school: the innocent, untampered little girl that I was.
The girl I was before the world snatched me from my innocence and poisoned my mind.  
I yearn for the girl who only cried because she skinned her knee or her tummy hurt.

I regret the person I was in middle school, not for who she was but for the person she was becoming, I bitterly regret allowing the world get to her, for it changed her; it altered her in tremendous ways.
She became dismantled, unrecognizable to the girl she was just a few years ago. She fell into the world’s hands, and the world destroyed her, it took her and impaled her with negativity and poison.
For that was just the beginning of the girl, she would become in high school.

You see that's the tragedy of growing up; you lose the things in life that truly made you happy, things you didn't have to compromise your happiness for.
When you grow up your trade the simplistic and the care-free life for a more brutal and agonizing one.
Waking up and having your whole body hurt, and your eyes red and puffy from crying all night, but once you walk into those glass doors it suddenly disappears -- almost like it never existed almost like you never felt those things at all.
But that's just the thing: it was all real and you still indeed feel that way, but you simply cover all that pain and all that emotion with a mask.
Because you know it is harder to show how you really feel than covering it.
And that mask keeps toying with your emotions and so then you are stuck between missing who you used to be and hating who you are now.