Long ago, I opened my heart.
I let someone in.
They didn't quite fit though.
So I paused, and then promptly expanded my chest,
Expanded my heart to fit in your love.
It didn't work out, but my heart was now too big to be shattered.
I was still so full of hope that I refused to let go.

I put a sign out that said:
“All welcome.”

And someone came in with sunshine and cheer, an enthusiasm I wasn't expecting.
And yet again, they couldn't fit.
So I expanded my heart once more.
Pushed out from the inside
To let them fully in.
But while I was under renovations, the doorway swung shut.
They were barred from the door.
There's only room for one in here and I haven't fully moved out the ants,
They crawl and creep and fester and weep.
So I pulled on my mask and pulled out the poison.
Ready to **** anything and everything in sight.
To destroy every crack and crevice, filling it with hate,
Ready to be done with the festering creatures.

But was disrupted by a little knock.
I suppose I never took the sign down.
The sun wasn't in sight and the former prospect was gone.
Only the silver rimmed clouds and it was starting to rain.

The fat heavy drops that drowned out the sorrow.
Made it feel a little cozy inside.

But standing there in the soft quiet rain.
A boy.

Waiting to see me.

Maybe he was always there.

Maybe he’ll never leave.

But I opened my door and stepped into the rain.

I dont think I’ve ever felt soft drops on my skin,
Don't think I’ve ever felt something so real, something so fresh.
And it didn't matter that the sun was gone because a light shone from your heart so bright.

Too bright.

Too good.

I should've known it was all a lie.
A web waiting to catch those innocent flies.

But I will never complain, for the ants moved out the day that you knocked.
Maybe they knew the rule about one.

They shuffled out the door single file.

And yet when I went out to invite you out of the rain,
When I stood aside to let you come in,
You pulled away.
Only ever so slightly, a miniscule flinch.

You peered round and called it beautiful.
You made my little heart feel ever so special.

But it wasn't special enough.
And so the boy in the rain chose the rain over me.

Sometimes I hear him calling my name.
I don't know if it's him or only a shadow,
But it lights my heart with a small fire, and fills it with a stifling heat.
It feels like a way of drawing me out.
Into the rain.
To let it slide down my cheek.
Fall over my brows and into my eyes, then down to my lips.
Occasionally I step outside, just to see.
If any of it is real.
And there seems to be a melody that whispers on these nights.
A soft little tune.

And the rain turns to you, and then,
It's you sliding a finger down my cheek.
Pressing my shirt to my chest.
Running your hands through my hair.
I’ve never felt so alive.

But then, almost as fast,
I twirl around and you're gone.
In a small little flash.

So I run to my heart and throw open the windows and doors,
In case you decide to stop by.
And dance a little as lightning flashes by.
To my own little tune that I invented just for you.

But soon, the rain stopped, and there was still no sun.
Just endless grey clouds threatening to come in.

So I put my heart on display and now people walk by, and occasionally pop in for a second or two.

To look around the massive shell I have in my chest.
Some press their ears to it to see if they can hear the ocean.

They don't know that the only echo of water around,
Is the dried tears that I spilt, all over the ground.

I suppose the clouds eventually got in,
But the shadow of the downpour never quite left enough room for two.

People stand and wave a safe distance away, and maybe the blanket of clouds is a blessing, and a cover from the sun.

And maybe the sun was forever waiting behind a blanket of grey.
Maybe I was only waiting till night when I could pull back the clouds and reclaim the sky.
Decorate it with fully formed constellations. Maybe I was destined to find shapes and meaning when there was none.
And maybe that is why I could never let it be night.

But it cannot always be day.

And as times turn,
my heart starts to feel awfully hollow,
And my head is full to bursting.
Praying on repeat,
For the rain to come again.

But forevermore, my heart shall be ruled by the final ant that won't leave, and the shadow of a boy who never intended to stay.

My most dangerous trauma
Has the most gorgeous smile
How you haunt my dreams
That I never want to end
Your ghost lingers in my heart
And how it beats with joy and sorrow
My most beautiful trigger
Pull it, and let it go through me
You left a hole, a wound
Unforgettable in my waking moments
The scars that spelled love
Carved by mine's truly
I wish to heal one day
But I hold on to all of it 
I am not ready, I refuse to move
Erasing all the sadness and misery 
Would also mean erasing you

Sail to me

across the ocean made from my tears—

formed by the hollow you left.

I built this sea for you,

so you'd always have a way back

to where we began.



Reach me

in the places I've buried deep,

the ones even I am afraid to name.

Trace the outlines I've hidden,

and show me I was never

so easily forgotten.



Tell me the story of us,

not through my memory's window—

but in the way you survived it,

in your truths,

the tender ones you held close

when night refused to let you rest,

and I was the ache you couldn't name.



Tell me I still live in your quiet.

Speak the moments I never saw—

where you paused,

where you turned away,

where you missed me

and never said.



Is there a portrait of me

hanging in the corners of your mind?

Paint memories with the palette of our love—

when no one was watching.

Use the colours we made together—

the rise of us,

blush pinks bleeding into amber light,

the bruised violet of our breaking.



Do you still hear me

in the hush between songs?

Do the lyrics still reflect us back at you?


Show me your wounds—

the ones left

when we unravelled

into strangers

who still knew each other too well.

Let me see the shape of your life

without me in it.

Come to me again—

on the tide of every tear I shed for you.

This ocean remembers.

It knows you

better than I do now.



Let it carry you

to the shoreline of our time,

where we loved once—

wild and unguarded,

a flame burning too brightly to last.



There,

we still exist—

untouched by time,

preserved in the hush

between wave and wind,

between what was

and what is now.

So, while I'm here broken & ******                                                           ­                     
                                                                ­                                              
Mascara smeared; she still looks pretty                                                           ­ 
                                                               ­                                                     
Even with that smile in her eyes                                                            
­                                                                 ­                                                
  That ***** is the devil in disguise                                                         ­         
                                                       ­                                                               
She took my love & my pride                                                            ­                      
                                          ­                                                                 ­         
Now every day, I die inside                                                           ­               
                                                 ­                                                                 ­
Puffy faced & pouting mouth                                                            ­              
                                                                ­                                                      
She shows you what love's about                                                            ­
                                                                ­                                                  
She was a habit you couldn't quit                                                            
­                                                                 ­                                                   
  It was me you chose to forget

You kissed my scars..
Then mocked the blood.

You wanted a girl,
To replace the one you lost
Not grief
Not pain,
Not me.

You saw my soul,
and flinched..
I cried and begged for you,
Till I choked on my poison which was you,
And you said, “too much.”

I shattered and you said I was too loud,
I begged,
You lied,
I broke.

And that was the last time
I let the world see me
Hear me
Begged for love

When the scent finally fades
From the pillows and covers
When I can't find strands of hair
On my clothes and carpet

When I redecorate the place
To fill empty spaces
When the profile is deleted
From all of the subscriptions

When I buy fewer groceries
Just to make meals for one
When I change the locks
Carrying the only key

When I stop checking
My phone and socials
When I stop saying goodnight
Because there's no good morning

When I stop hoping
For a dream long gone
When it finally hits me
Of how different life is

That's when I will realize
You are truly gone

I opened the door
to our studio apartment

To collect the strewn memories
That you have left
In the bedroom
on the kitchen floor
Looking over the balcony.


And everytime
I asked myself, darling!
Why me?
Why us?
Why now?

I knew it was a dream
I knew you weren't real
But I hit snooze for the tenth time
Because I wasn't ready to say goodbye