i don't even know anymore
am i being abused
am i being harassed
am i being loved
all feel the same
scary
painful
but i'm good at ignoring it

"what you need to ignore
is the people who hurt you
not the pain they've caused"

but I know
just as a cat flinches
when you move to pet it,
so do I.
we both no longer know the difference between
affection and attack.

Sadness fills my chest when I see kids laugh and play with friends.
Friends that I never got to have.
Happiness that was sadness when all I got was myself and a note pad
Seeing happiness filling their hearts m with a sound of a symphony remarking my best words.
My heart fill with joyous, jealous, anger because I wish I could of had the love they had.
Now you see, watching the present reflects your past in a negative or positive way.
Bullies smashing my face with a ball, or rubbing it against a rubber band, making me ****** dis confident.
Coming home to a world of emptiness, and pain.

Im a barbie girl, in this barbie world
It's fantastic, everyone's plastic
You cannot feel me their
Why do you think you can stop and stare
******* me with that, imagination.

I post daily, fooling everybody
That I am perfect.
It's horrific.
Convorting myself into this typical dumb blond chartor.

Glaze upon my skin as it is flawless
Little do they know it's stage makeup and filters
I have many scars on the inside.
I am starving, but cannot dream to take a bite
Got to pretend that my body is perfect.

Im a barbie girl, in this toxice world
I am drowning, but the waters plastic
You cannot feel me their
But you could not care
******* me quickly, it's fantastic.

Telling all the little girls thats i'm so happy
And this is their dream life
While hiding in the corner hating every part of myself.
Somebody save me from this glitter nightmare.

I'm stuck inside this dollhouse
The walls won't break
They just dress me up, because my lifes a game
But jokes on them, my blond is fake.
I hate my pretty pink prison.

Im a barbie girl living in a hell world,
It is honestly fantastic, no my heart is plastic
You maze well touch me their and undress me anywhere
Now I have realized no one really cares.
  
Yes im a barbie girl, living in a barbie world
I am now an addict , it's fantastic
No one want to stop and stare
No one wants to feel me there
When I'm washing down the pain with pills and drinks.

Even in lock down
I see young girls as  pray
Through the eyes of social media
Are you to blame?
Sexilising my body
Until I am an nothing but an object
“Don't go on instagram then” they say
“But I've done nothing wrong.”

Our girls and women
Our daughters and our mothers
Anxious to walk on our paths to education or work.
6 out of 10 dread the thought of stepping on the streets once again.
Its 2021 and our woman have fear
Like the yorkshire ripper is out and about.

I curse my sight
I don't want to see that 97% are victims
We are survivors
Why have 80% been harassed in public
Look with your heart.
This is not normal
Stop normalising.

I am not a lamb and you are not my shepherd
To all the girls that are in their school uniforms
Getting the whistle by people older than their fathers
Im sorry.

I'm sorry that 1 out of 3 have lived through this.
And sorry for all the little girls hold their best friend in their arms,
As she sobs

I don't want to see this
This is not my future
So let me eat snow whites apple and wake me up
When the world learns to give a ****.

i remember confiding in you.
telling you about the men who stole from me,
tore apart my flesh,
took everything i had when i was too young to understand i was losing something,
and i remember your face.
your face was filled with pain as you told me it wasn’t my fault,
that i did nothing wrong and there was nothing more i could’ve done,
you were going to be the good i saw in men.

i remember when i told you about the boys who asked me for pictures.
and all of the lies they told to force me into doing it,
saying they would come to my house and do the things that those men had done,
i was afraid.
but when i told you there was promise and hope in your eyes,
comforting me telling me that once again,
i was not to blame.
you were going to be the good i saw in men.

and then you became worse than the men i had told you about.
each and every one.

you said it you wanted me to become comfortable in my body.
you said that you knew how insecure i was and wanted to make me feel better about myself.
you said i had to because if i could do it for other guys, i owed it to him.
you said you were going to **** yourself if i didn’t.

i loved you,
and i think i always will.
you made me realize that there is no good in men,
and for the two years you forced me into submission,
i will never get the part of myself that you stole back.

You tried to touch me,
and I said no.
You still tried and I pushed you away
asking…. no, telling you to leave me alone.
But still, you grabbed me,
like an object that belonged to you.
And when I still said no,
you acted like that was your cue
to grab me again
and do what you do.
You were my best friend
and now I ******* hate you!
I still blame myself for what you did to me.
How is that fair?
It’s been 4 years and I think about it daily.
While you don’t even care.
You ruined high school for me.
I had to see you every day in band.
But I still blame myself,
for not putting you on the stand.

Mud bath
Doc Martens
                        Back of head
Off the beaten path
                        Still beaten
But at least not dead
*******, they said
Don't understand what I did
But was
Drowning in the ground
One day they'll come around
To me

Doc Martens
                        Back of head
Off the beaten path
                        Still,
                        Beate­n
Dead.