"He always closes the door whenever he leaves the room."

That was one habit of his which I appreciated, knowing he was considerate enough. But I never knew I would come to detest it, or even regret loving it.

Until this morning.
He never returned.

I've made being depressed a habit
As if ceasing this life would make me feel less tired
Pretend that I learned something new to appease this emptiness;
Stuffing filth in bloodied wounds does not heal them
Bandages will never fully heal closed scars
Dying will never help this uselessness
I can only stay here, in between alive and dead
The catatonic state that I'm so used to

Bills are scheming with a lightweight check
               again.
Swear to God they must by
         best of friends.
And now I'm sitting solo on my couch
               again
with these 4 walls.
They've become parenthetic.

It's the same everywhere,
               I know.
Same for my friends.
'Cuz the loan checks that we're writing won't
          pay dividends.
We majored in Assumptions,
tossed our caps and
               then
we found new meanings
for what's copasetic.

Now it's easy...
too **** easy...
So easy...
It's too easy.

To wander these same neighborhoods
and stay in tiny, ****** apartments
when the loose ends of your 20s tangle
and you're tied to where you've always been.

And I'll never ask for
          FOR ANYONE'S HELP.
But I still can't take
          CARE OF MYSELF.
So I'll
          COOK MY DINNERS
     ON THESE BURNING BILLS
and laugh my way to the bank
so they can repossess my smile.

Days keep blurring through to nightlight gleams,
               I know
time is racing past but
      thoughts are slowed.
And I'll be sitting pretty on my couch
               alone
inside 4 walls
because habits are a home.

It's the same everywhere,
               I know.
Same for us all.
Late nights and lame jokes we're making
          push back walls.
We majored in Assumptions,
tossed our caps and
               all
we found were new ways
to be pathetic.

But it's easy...
just too easy...
So easy...
It's too easy.

To stay in soured relationships,
stay still in tiny, ****** apartments
when the low points of your paychecks dangle
while you're trying to climb as high as rent.

And we couldn't be in
          ANY WORSE HEALTH.
And we couldn't be less
          FAIR TO OURSELVES
but we'll keep on keeping
like it's copasetic

And we'll never ask for
          ANYONE'S HELP.
Though we still can't take
          CARE OF OURSELVES.
So we'll
          COOK PLATES OF CROW
          ON OUR BURNING BILLS
and laugh our way downtown
where we can reassess our smiles.

Inhale.
Feel the smoke slowly fill up your lungs.
Close your eyes as it gets into every nook and cranny.

Imagine it choking you from within.
Gripping you from the inside.
Squeezing, grasping, clutching.

Exhale.
Feel the smoke work its way out.
Open your eyes as it vanishes into thin air.

Repeat.

everything around me is changing;
hours turn into seconds
gazes become smile
touches is now a habit
kisses are equal to promises
and love changed into you

your leg still bounces up and down when you're nervous.

i still bite my fingernails when i'm bored.

some things don't change.

(like how i'm always missing you.)