UnfoundYet

UnfoundYet May 2023

stranger

This morning I woke up
missing how things used to be.
I miss the warm and the comfort that my family used to bring.

Belonging, that’s what I miss
for now I’m only a stranger with nowhere else to be.

I have these memories,
and I wonder if that is all they’ll ever going to be.
The happiness and the calm,
they feel so distant from me.

There is this aching pain here in my chest,
it makes me uneasy,
it doesn’t allow me to rest.

I used to be known to anyone
but myself.
Now I’m trying to get
closer
to who I really am,

but every step I take leads me
away
from everybody else.

But that little girl is all alone,
in the dark she’s screaming for my attention.
For too long I’ve ignored her cries,
too focused on the people around me
and on not creating any tension.

All this energy I’ve used,
all the dedication I gave,
it all feels like a waste of time.

For if those people knew who I was,
then why I still felt so utterly
alone?

maybe it’s because of my Lou
of the magic she creates.
She’s quite capable you see,
with her in two places I can be,
whereas before only in one I used to be.

I can be on the surface,
grounded in the present,
but holding the hand of that little girl all together.

maybe that was enough,
it had been for a long time.
But now I want more.

Yes I am greedy, and I don’t want to deny it.

I want to be in those two places all the time.
I want to hold that girl’s hand and tell her
that it is all right.

I want to do it while sitting at dinner,
when my dad makes his jokes.
I want to do it when my mom asks me if I like
the new shirt she just bought.

I want to do it when I play cards with my grandma,
and when I’m around my other friends.
Because while I comfort that little girl,
it is her who gives me strength.

So here I am,
trying so hard to walk towards her.
I’m trying to keep her with me,
near the surface,
grounded in my present.

She’s scared,
and so am I.
Sometimes she slips away,
sometimes I still ignore her cries.

It’s just so difficult
and I struggle to understand why.

How can they know me, if that girl
was never by my side
when I shook their hand, or when I made them smile?

They knew a stranger, an imposter,
that’s what they knew.

But why am I so distant from them now,
when all I’m trying to do is
presenting them the truth?

Are they angry because I lied?
I didn’t mean to do so.
I just couldn’t hear her voice for so long.

It pains me that the road towards the light,
towards that girl,

it’s such a lonely road.

It saddens me,
when the reason I only moved is because
I didn’t want to feel alone at all.

I felt not whole around the ones that
loved me.
I wanted to be whole
for them.
Now I am not whole yet,
but each day a little closer I get.

But why is it that always a stranger is all I am?
A stranger to myself in the start,
a stranger to them in the end.

Perhaps there is another road,
another path that I’ll take
once I’ll have conquered the present
with the little girl here in my presence.

Perhaps only then I’ll be able to see
how to make those memories real
how to live them again
as a new me.

#family #selfdiscovery #loneliness

UnfoundYet Mar 2022

what it should feel like

I’ve been loving you
for quite some time,

feels like I’ve been running for
all my life.

Floating in this huge,
immense crowd,

with so much noise
no one hears my shouts.

I didn’t know, at first
what I was looking for,

until I spotted you
in you shiny glow.

I knew I wanted
to be found,

I didn’t think someone
would lift me from the ground.

I was so scared
to be crushed,

so scared that
they’d turn me into ash.

I’ve surrounded myself
with so many one-way mirror,

so that I could see them,
but no one could see the tears on that pillow.

Just a reflection,
this is all I’ve ever been,

running wildly,
having no where to be.

Pleasing everyone with what
they wanted to see,

feeling lonely with
no one next to me.

But then you surprisingly
came along,

stopping me abruptly, noticing
something was off.

Your light was too brilliant
and your glow too strong,

you had to squint your eyes around me
all along.

And I couldn’t stay away
I couldn’t go,

I felt so warm
around your glow.

But I didn’t want to keep
hurting your eyes,

I wanted to shine with you,
to free my light.

But I was trapped, I didn’t know
how to escape,

how to leave those mirrors that had
always kept me safe.

You reached for me,
you pulled me out,

you took me away from that
suffocating crowd.

And as the mirrors were shuttering
on the spot I was before,

all I could hear was you telling me
“you’re home”.

Now my home is warm,
it shines so bright,

but the light comes from within,
not from someone standing on the outside.

So I’ve been loving you
for quite some time,

since I saw you standing
with your now familiar light.

I didn’t know what
I was looking for,

until I found your love,
a love that always felt like hope.

#love #home #light

UnfoundYet Feb 2020

When you leave

I always get sad when you leave,
Doesn't matter what we just did.
We could have discussed all day,
studied our brains out,
watched a movie or laughing out loud.
We could have been kissing all afternoon,
or sleeping side by side,
or eating as much as we did when we were high.
We could have been fighting a lot,
then sit in silence inside my room,
I could have even got offended too,
but that wouldn’t make me less in love with you.
As soon as you close the door and leave,
I feel the emptiness filling the house and I find it difficult to breathe.
I feel the tears asking me to fall,
I feel stupid and silly,
I just beg for it to stop.
And I think about all the things I wanted to tell you,
all the things I never say,
and I promise myself to tell you on the following day.
But there’s always something that gets stuck on my tongue,
I try to push it out but it never does.
It is stupid because I can write it with no problems at all,
just like I did in a verse a few lines before.
I know why I’m waiting but I wish I was not,
maybe one day I’ll find the courage without freezing on my spot.
But even when I’ll finally tell you
what I wrote in that verse a few lines before,
I really doubt that when you leave, I’ll feel less alone.

#love

UnfoundYet Nov 2019

L-Word

Why is it so scary
To tell to someone how you feel?
I read all the signals, there’s no way I could be wrong
Yet I’ve been able to keep it secret for so long
Why can’t I just say it?
Why do I want him to say it first,
When I perfectly know that it won’t change how he makes me feel.
I’ve fallen hard, there’s no way back.
so why can’t I just say it out loud, without risking an heart attack?

UnfoundYet Nov 2019

Journey

He held her arm
during their journey
She taught him
life
and how to love it.
They were one
and two
At the same time.
But now, here I write
about his loss.
Weird, I guess
I can hear a distant laugh
while looking at a soul who went from being one,
to two,
to half.

UnfoundYet May 2019

Vertically

I’ve thought about this for quite a long time.
      new beginnings are always difficult to crack.

Laughing and kissing, playing and drinking,
      studying and sleeping. Time has flown so
      quickly. And I’m still feeling so dizzy.

Or is this just a dream? I’ve asked myself more
      than once. There’s nothing as scaring as this
      thought. And you know all the things I fear.

Variables that I cannot control. That is what my
      emotions turn into when you’re around me.
      there are so many of them. Maybe this is
      why it took me so long to figure it out.
      because, you see,

Every moment I spend with you, I wish would
      never end. We may fight and argue, and
      even get upset sometimes. But no matter the
      circumstances, as soon as

You leave, I miss you so **** much. So much I
      feel like an idiot because I know I’ll see you
      on the following day. Even if you won’t be
      away too long, I wish you could always stay.

Oh boy, I do sound cheesy. But really I don’t
      care. You make me feel so alive, so powerful
      and happy, why shouldn’t I say it in every
      way? Why is it so simple to write it, but not
      to pronounce it?
      though I know I will say it to you very soon.
      can’t keep everything inside much longer.
      but in the main time, I’ll keep
      thinking about the same thing. Because
      now that I have

Understood it, I wonder, did you manage to do
      the same?

#love

UnfoundYet Nov 2018

Thinking about loss

And I’m still trying to cope
with everything that
has just happened
but I’m not so sure how
to do so.

And I’m still trying to breath
‘cause after that call
it feels like I
haven’t put some air in.

And I think
I still can’t move
‘cause my life is not going
in the direction I had first choose.

And I’m here trying to fly
even if I have no longer
those wings
you took away with you.

And I’m still trying to find
the meaning of this
now empty garbage
we all like to call life.

Because I’m feeling so exposed
so broken, and shattered
like I just got stabbed
and this con-stan-t pain
I don’t know how to feel
anything else ever again.

You were my rock, my calm, my light
my love, my heart, my mind
And I just don’t know
how to be
the person I admired the most
the person you made me be

But I know, deep inside
that you’d never want me
to waste like this my whole life

And I guess, at some point I’ll realize
how to be happy, soft, and fine
how to laugh at my own jokes
how to love someone once more
how to once again smile
but right now, I’m sorry I can’t,

I need more time.

#loss