today at lunch
I saw lilly -
like the flower but
with another l,
a fake -
your girlfriend
(soon to be ex
but you don't know that yet)
she actually smiled at me -
i think she was surprised
i hope so -
in response
my ****** muscles
contorted into a
smile(?) more false
than i ever believed i was
capable of producing.
it wasn't really a smile
it was
******* For Ripping Her Away From Me
it was
I Would Like To Punch You But Self Control
maybe (fingers crossed)
it scared her.

I’m just trying to eat my french toast and drink my coffee but you keep cutting me off as I’m about to take a sip take a bite asking why I like it with sugar i add a spoonful of creamer and you’re laughing
but not in a loving way
talking about my schoolwork and my plans for the garden
and you skip over the congratulations and mention your ex girlfriend
going on about your ex girlfriend and my face has hardened
i drink my coffee and try not to listen
i eat my french toast and i don’t pay attention
i’m looking at the man with the book eating alone
i’m looking at the waitress wishing she were home
excuse me and i’m up
the bathroom is empty and nobody saw me
the mirror is clean and i am *****
the lights are brighter than i want them to be
and the soap dispenser is empty

Walking home from my friend’s house after making music and making faces and his roommate’s ex-girlfriend was in the kitchen, her back to mine across the living room and I closed the door.
I walked the eight blocks to my house.
To the left
To the right
I thought of you but only a little bit.
I laughed when I slid on the ice on Summer Street and I inhaled deep to relish in the lack of sun, and for the first time, I listened that night in November
with her cold and slender hands over both of my ears.

You knew how it would affect me and my relationship and you still did it.

I'll have wounds that can never heal because you chose to let it happen.

Was your own heartbreak not enough? Why did you want me to hurt too? What did I do to deserve this? I did nothing but care for and support you and help you.

You are both to blame but still, you messaged him first.
You didn't shut it down when you knew how much it would hurt me.

You're a bad friend.

staring at the clouds
one of them looks just like you
grimace and unloved

maybe if I didn't see you that summer day
maybe if I didn't hear your laugh
maybe if I didn't talk to you the first day we met
maybe if I didn't ask for your name
maybe if I didn't wish to be your friend
maybe if I didn't follow you around all summer
maybe if I didn't see you in the hallway so much
maybe if I didn't buy you things
maybe if I didn't get your friends to like me
maybe if I didn't see you stare at me when 'I wasn't looking'
maybe if I didn't kiss you in front of the courtyard
maybe if I didn't ask you out on my birthday for luck

maybe if I didn't let you in

maybe if I didn't hold your hand so tight
maybe if I didn't text you so late at night
maybe if I didn't talk so much
maybe if I didn't call so often when you were sad
maybe if I didn't spend so much money on our two-month gift
maybe if I didn't tell you so much
maybe if I didn't smoke so many cigarettes

then

maybe
just maybe

I would have been better off.

I see, I see
What you don't see

Maybe you refuse
Or glance the other way
You break off your gaze
And dart in the other direction

I see, I see
How you stare at me

You don't want to, yet
You cannot help yourself
In classes, the hall,
As I'm at my locker

I see, I see
That you miss me

You want everything back
Everything right like before
All the kisses, the hugs,
The late night texts -

but

I see - you see,
It wasn't meant to be.

The greatest regret in my life was when...
The greatest mistake in my life was when...
The greatest failure in my life was when...
The greatest ****-up in my life was when...
The greatest manipulation of my life was when...


I fell too hard for the wrong person.