My eyes
They hold my secrets
They shine with tears
They shine from heartbreak

My wrists
they show my pain
stained with red and white
stained with my bad choices

my heart
it pumps blood but I’m not alive
it’s been broken too many times
it doesn’t know how to love

my mouth
it’s covered by a mask
I’m the joker
my smile has been etched on

look at me
really see me
you miss all of these things
you don’t notice

hear me
listen closely
you’ll hear my cries
covered by my laughs

don’t tell me you know me
don’t tell me you know what it’s like
because you don’t
you don’t know my pain

you don’t know anything
you don’t know why my body is scarred
or why I jump when you touch me
you don’t know why I don’t eat

I’m the book you never read
You think you know me because you’ve seen the cover
But you haven’t even read the pages
You couldn’t be bothered to dig deeper

So, don’t get too close
Because you don’t know me

Aching, alone in the moonlight
My hurtful thoughts burn just as bright.
I drift numb through waves of sorrow,
The desire to be weightless lures me further below.
It's the calm before the storm of hunger
Yet I continue to starve, my stomach protests like thunder.

Fading in and out, I'm drowning no doubt.
Floating above me are skeleton bones and thin torsos
I idolize them, while my self hatred grows.
My lungs fill with salty tears, making me bloated, accomplishing my fears.

I'm ravenous
I don't care
I say, "I'm not hungry, really, I swear!"

Standing naked and ashamed in front of the mirror.
"You look disgusting!" A nasty voice sneers.
Recovery is far, for I still utterly agree.
I'm a horrifying atrocity, don't let anybody see.

As I drift forlorn to the open abyss
I beg, just wanting self worth and bliss.
The violent waves subside,
Making me realize it's okay now if I die
But I'll say it one more time: "I'm fine."

I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you
My life it revolves
The sun the stars the moon
I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer
Tears morph my body’s shape
Blurred like spilled paint
I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face
I can’t breathe, so faster I try
Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die
But the most I do is cry.

I drift lonely, lonely for you
You’re my depression, you’re my muse
Self hatred claims my compass,
So I follow it into the forest
And loathe your loving,
It infects me like fungus
Now I’m lost and scared
Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain
I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse
Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse

I idolize you and your flaws
How you seem so free
While around me forms a mist of misery
A clouded conscious with what I made you my life
Now I hate everything that I am,
And nothing’s right
Unmotivated, unsure
I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure
I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am
Still on my knees I pray to you,
The blood slain of my own lamb.
My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more
I don’t know why I can’t end this war.

I remember this
I remember the pain of sleeping on an empty stomach
The constant fear I was about to die
Eating only what I absolutely had to
And even then, I was so weak...
I remember weakness...
Missing a step and falling
Dizziness... all the time
I was really sick...

But I’m not there now.
This is different.
I’m hungry because I simply forgot to eat
The weakness will pass
It’s not happening again
I’m okay. I’m okay.

I stepped on the scale the other day.
It startled me in an unpleasant way.
What the number was, I'd rather not say.
Doesn't seem like you'd care anyway.

But it bothered me, and I know why.
Not the weight on my *** or thighs,
But the weary look inside my eyes,
As I gaze in the mirror, pinch my flesh, and sigh.

Effortlessly, I lose my appetite,
Without putting up any kind of fight.
My insides grumpled through the night,
But I refuse to take a bite.

My therapist thinks it's about control,
Something deeper within my soul.
The hunger makes me feel more whole,
But it slowly begins to take its toll.

I learned to enjoy the weakening pain,
Feeling the blood slow in my veins,
Any movement, a forceful strain,
But it makes sense inside my brain.

Feeling cold in a warm room is a success,
But I am not quite able to express,
Why I keep coming back, why I regress,
When I feel the slightest stress.

Overflowing tears fill her eyes,
as doubt fills inside her mind.
She is overwhelmed and confused,
she is exhausted and tired of being bruised.
However, one things for sure.
She will no longer let her demons get the best of her.
She will no longer stand for a life full of misery and torment.
For she’s now had a taste of pure freedom and forgiveness.
As she is now following her dreams.
Everything is falling into place,
and once again;
she does not want to lose how beautiful her life has become.