I'll go bottled blonde,
I'll be, again, fragile and skinny.
In plastic surgeries
I want to waste every penny.
I wear makeup
until my skin's all messed up.
I took thousands of pills
until my stomach said stop.
I work out until fatigue,
I write down every meal.
When you say I look better
it gives me self esteem.
But fear strikes evey time
that I get closer to the scale.
It scares me that instead of a number
it'll show the word whale.
I desire to be
the prettiest in the land.
I long to have
the perfect golden tan.
Delicate flower
for everyone to stare.
The magnetic one
that has nothing to repair.
I want to look radiant,
I want to look like a star.
My idea of the perfect weight
will make me take it too far.
But I don't really mind
about my health nor my spirit,
as long as I'm adored,
as long as I have a merit.
They only see you if you're pretty,
they ignore all the wrong;
You may be unstable
but you're worthy of a song.
And I'm not even concerned,
not like someone will notice.
No one did the last time
but anyway I'll tell you this:
I don't care if you find out
all the things that I conceal.
You can talk all you want,
I have nerves of steel.

Hey there, Blue Apron,
We need to talk.
Come into my office.
Have a seat, big shot.

No no no, this time it isn’t
About all the pots.
Although those are an issue.
For sure. There’s just a lot.

Today I’d like to chat with you
About your clock.
Do you own one? Have you seen one?
You’ve heard a “tick tock?”

That’s confusing because you say here
The Glazed Chicken with Apricot
Should take 25 minutes.
But I can assure you, it does not.

I spent half an hour
Just giving the shallots a chop.
Not to mention mincing ginger
And making the chicken stock.

Maybe if I had a team of sous chefs
Or ran a kitchen sweatshop,
I’d get this **** done,
In 25 minutes tops.

So, while it pains me, Blue Apron,
I’ve given it some thought,
And I have to let you go.
This really needs to stop.
Because I simply have no more patience,
For this Glazed Chicken with Apricot.

that moment
when the worry
begins to seep into
my veins

that moment
when the pain
begins to play
tricks within
my brain

i feel my collarbones
and know i'll be

o k a y

It's funny how society shows us how to opress

The depressed teens and adults of this generation.

“It’s just a phase”

“I had it worse when i was a child”

“Attention seeking liar”

“Get over it”

But maybe i can’t get over it.

Depression turned my once happy stream of joyful thoughts

Into a rainy, dark pit of sadness.

A pit only to be filled with

Helplessness, insomnia, self-destruction, and a little madness.

This illness has broken me

I feel like I have to carry the burden of darkness on my shoulder

And each time I try to get better, I regress.

The only way to repress my feelings is to let

Niagara Falls drip from wrists, to my stomach, to my hips, & to my thighs

And hide it with a mouthful of lies

My inner demons gained control over my brain,

Bringing me so much pain that it became hard to do anything.

Even eating became a chore

Because it was hard to eat when I can’t even look in the mirror without fear

Of the Image standing in front of me.

Ugly, worthless, stupid

You don’t even have the drive to stay alive,

So why care about yourself or your health?

You’re better off dead.

But of course, it was all in my head, so no one understood.

No one understood that i stayed up til 4 in the morning

Having a mental breakdown, with death on my mind.

I just wish someone could reach behind my mask and find the real me

The sad me

The broken me

The mentally drained me

The me that has been drowning in my own darkness for years now

Oh by all means
Please do go on!

When I asked how things are going,
This is how I hoped you respond!

I wanted to know your recipe for chicken tenders.
        No ****? Coconut flour, huh?
                Well I’ll. Be. ******.

I wanted to know that you’re just trying to get through the doldrums of Day 11 & 12.
        I’m just trying to get through this conversation!
                We have something in common!

What I wanted to talk about? What I wanted to talk about was Weight Watchers.
        I only have 13 more points left this week!
                Have I told you my recipe for air “fried” cauliflower crunch bites?

Today in an overweight society,
The type of society that deals anxiety,
Anxiety, anxiety, in this overweight society.

Today in an overweight society,
The type of society where diet pills are a normality,
Normality, Normality in an overweight society.

Today in the eyes of an underweight tragedy,
Influenced so greatly by an overweight society,
Tragedy, Tragedy, in an overweight society.

Influenced by a society of fatty foods,
Fear becoming a more common mood,
The fear of falling into the normality
The normality of this tragedy.
The overweight society.

Influence by obesity.
Striving to be what their minds see,
The minds of the children trapped,
Trapped by this overweight society.

Influenced by the skinny girls on TV
Only followed by ads showing fatty foods society demans you eat
Have a cheeseburger, upgrade to a large fry, yet still look like her, it's pounded in her mind.

Young minds believe what they see.
Morphed into the tragedy of society.
A society where eating disorders strive
A society where an 8 year old can consious you starve themselve to feel pretty.
The definition of pretty based simply on TV
Yet nobody questions this more than imperfect society.

Elementary ages childern being fed fat then forced to stand in front of a mirror.
Put a toy in poison and call it magic.
Oh yes, what a fantasy.
A fantasy forcing you into reality.

The reality becoming your worst nightmare.
The reality of your fears driven by society.
I'm overweight, yet pizza is the best choice for a happy family.

A society where mental illness strives.
Why can't people open their eyes?
Spoon feeding childern poison and expecting them to love themselves.

In school teachers force health into thier minds.
At home, parents feed them poison to save time.
Re-creating, reprogramming their fragile little minds, yet still expecting them to feel fine.

Feeling down?
Have a happy meal, gain a pound.
Overweight?
Shame, shame, you must maintain the image.
The image forced into your mind.
           This was our greatest fall.
           Upon dieting we call.
           Skelington stave me.
Anorexia at it's finest.
Anorexia thin and spineless.
Some call you timeless.
But only recently you made your debute.
Make me feel brand new.
Reprogram my mind.
Make me feel fine.
Thank God for thinsperation.
Oh Anorexia, my new inspiration.
Make me feel pretty.
Just like the skinny girls on TV.
Loosing pounds, one by one.
Still weighed down by a ton.
The weight of pleasing it.
The nightmare society created.
Influenced by what we see.
Finally morphed into the tragedy of the normality of this weight obsessed society.

You
Are
So
Beautiful


4
Four words that I cannot comprehend.
They swirl in and out of the cracks in my brain dancing around trying to land on a tangible thought.
But they are lost.
Wondering.
The street lights are out and the darkness has taken over.
The moonlight isn't even glistening tonight. It's solid black.
So they search faster scanning for their place.
But it's not going to be found.
Thoughts plunged deep into oblivion filled with lies that have suddenly become truth because the switch has flipped and she is gone.

Gone
Like the weight that needs to be shed.
She looses herself in the number over and over again. It rises and falls like the heaving breaths she takes when she finishes making her mess.
Sobbing imperfection
"Beauty is pain"
Stop thinking about it you're not hungry again.