i have been swallowed by
my own reflection;
bones protrude through
pallid thin skin,
organs caving in
my stomach hoards a
swarm of bees,
buzzing through the
empty cavern that is
my translucent flesh.

i am a ravenous dog
teeth bearing,
devouring only water and air

i purge myself clean,
spill out empty calories
and irrational rumination,
skeleton hanging out of
a hollow casket,
appetite smaller than my waist.

i am freezing cold,
lanugo littering my body,
wanting to throw myself
in a fire,
to feel the warmth
that others feel.

i am a void -
this body is not my own.

people ask me how i’m doing and i say ‘okay’
nobody questions it; cuz that’s what they all say
only time my words are questioned is when i speak my mind
don’t wanna hear reality, so put me back in line
i wish the whole wide world could know just how i feel
this life of fear and lies simply has no appeal
the voices in my head speak more truth than you
i’m getting tired of always confusing the two
my mind is a haunted house; there’s more to me than meets the eye
body full of so many secrets despite my size

if given the choice, maybe i wouldn’t choose this one to possess
occupying a vessel this anxious just leads to more stress
‘friend in high places’ but the place is your head [in the clouds]
smoking and drinking to quiet us; but trust me you can’t drown us out
there’s more work to be done and words to be said
most talk internally but that don’t mean we’re not friends

something to be said about an openminded guy
with so much personality they started to compile
a collective consciousness sprouting within
took years too long to finally let us in
but here we are, now you know and you listen
at names mentioned, your heart now quickens
beats as one, as we are together
a single unit of several, here for each other
confusing to all but one another
you find yourselves in us

Every 60 seconds someone dies from an eating disorder
But even with that scary reality I just can’t bring myself to recover
Water fills up my stomach like an ocean,
and my sickly brain just causes so much commotion
my hair just comes falling  out
I lay in bed all day and just pout
People tell me to just eat
Man do I wish it was that easy
When will I ever feel loved?
When the dress fits me like a glove?
My brain tells me that I have to take up less space to matter
But when Is enough enough, Is it when dinner is just an empty platter?
See, I look at others girls of all shapes and sizes and see beauty
But why is it so hard to see that in me?
Why did I have to go through all the things I’ve endured ?
i don’t know but I want to one day be able to say that I conquered.

I'm going through hell,
So why don't I get any hotter?

I wasn't sure at what point
my feelings of
inadequacy and failure
would penetrate the boundaries
of my thoughts and
manifest themselves in a physical way
which scare not only the strangers
that pass me on the street
and see my now skeletal body
but also those I love the most.

The Demons are back again,
Haunting me with darkness,
Painting me with insanity,
Those sick little artists.
It's all my fault,
All the years of failure
And the neglect to cure this disorder,
That controls me.
The sadness consumes me,
The water is getting higher,
I can't breath, I'm drowning
In everything that becomes of me.
My mind bubbles with regret
And burns in pain
For ignoring this illness
That makes me insane.
My heart beats slowly
As it frowns in silence,
My blood rushes around
in heavy violence.
My body shakes
And I'm short on breath.
I'm becoming attacked by this panic
And I become a mess.
It's maniac ways
Every days the same.
It's calm and it's crazy
And I'm always fighting to stay Sane.

I looked dolefuly at my reflection
and once more I made the connection
I fell to the floor
a state of dejection
an ugly *****
addicted to injection
digging into my core
I know the answer is restriction
I swore to myself
next time you will be perfection