I binged today. Normally I'd say, "it's okay."
but the truth is that it's not
I wish it weren't so hard to stop, but I have a disorder
One that many people just don't understand.

It's like I have a hole I can't fill inside of me
one that keeps telling me I need to eat more
"You're not full yet, eat this, eat that!" My stomach tricks me
Until it doesn't and I feel the consequences of my actions.

If only I could stop myself.
The people who think it's as easy as telling yourself no are wrong
I spend money on food that I think will help me,
try to create a new habit called "eating healthy."

My disorder just laughs at this.
Because it knows what I'll do the next time I'm feeling anything
I'll go order a McDonalds number 3 large,
or go to the grocery and fill up my cart.

I'll get home and eat it too quickly til I can't move anymore
Then cry and feel angry that I'm too afraid to throw it up.

When I was waist high,
Freckles are angels kisses,
And bedtime seemed a comeuppance
Years old,
I used to wish to grow up in effort to shed my
Child's problems.
Now that the years have raced past,
I've grown into an adult's body
Along with adult problems,
And I wish I hadn't pleaded with the fates
To hurry it onward so.

I am bursting
From stomach to seam
With this overwhelming
Sensation
That some would call
Satiation
But I would call
The enemy

there is a man in my mind
and i call him steve
from this man
i wish to be relieved
the things that he says are things
no man should say
but these are words that simply
do not go away

this man, steve, tells me to make others hurt
this man, steve, tells me to put my hand down your skirt
he tells me that being with my is your corruption
that our relationship will be your destruction

but i know that i love you
and from what you show, you feel the same
but i have been stuck with this man
in his silly little game

for so long.
please get steve away from me.
im tired.

to the skinny girls
who taunted me for years
with your catcalling and put downs

please know you didn’t make me this way

**** it if you think I’m giving you that power
**** it if you think I will let that victory be yours

my brain is more complex, works deeper,  
than a simple desire to be YOU

believe me, I’ve flirted with it,
thinking you were all I ever wanted to be

but believe me now when I say that
you are not the cause of my empty plate

so run along and feed your ego elsewhere
because I refuse to feed it
by letting you believe

that I am the way I am
because I want to be one of you

The tree is dancing and flickering
Like some computer glitch,
ANd the sound of fpptstops trail me,
Doors shutting,
Chairs scraping,
Dogs barking in an otherwise empty house.
I do not know how to sav myself from this
Remix of unreal and reality,
Just hiding blasting music
Trying to drown out the sound of someone trying to **** me.
The figurine of the pink power ranger rests under my pillow while I try to sleep,
Guardian, protector,
Save me.
I do not want to listen to my thoughts.
They hurt adn conjure things,
Enamored of death or a way out of this hell.
At night I dream
Of people stealing the earrings out of mye ears
And hundreds of people chanting my name.
No matter where I run, they call me.
Even hiding amongst the frogs brings no relief
As their Ribbits shout my name from behinf the bushes.
Save me from this hell, my mind.
I don't want to listen to it.
I don't want to die.

✨WAR OF HEARTS

At chasm,
Far deep abyss of despair,
Soaked gloomy atmosphere,
In a vague sparkle,
Arrested were my eyes to see,
My numb feelings jolted,
Salvation without sanatory,
I felt a new being resurrect,
Couldn't hold my feelings anymore,
Submissive,
I wasn't in control.

I was flummoxed,
Something I couldn't explain in fistful words,
Something hadn't felt for long,
Something my heart had long lost tune to,
Nearer I drew stuck,
Pootled in with mixed feelings.

With a gaze of his eyes,
I saw him,
Charismatic inclination,
I could no longer fight my thoughts,
A nightmare all was like alike,
A place of no return in flames,
In his world, I buried my thoughts,
In an ocean of love, lost I was.

Love at first sight the moment,
but wished to be a forever sight,
For in the stars in his eyes,
Was the forever in my heart,

My eyes craved his to see,
My heart wished to rewrite what I thought was lost,
My mind desired to rescript new memories,
To see the beauty in his soul,
Stretching out deep into him,
Dancing in our love,

In his cologne,
He became my body best scent,
Everyday, wishing he'd touch me more and more,
Dining in the thoughts of,
the grab that  I would give him when he is digging deep into me to satisfaction,

An overdose of him I took,
An obsession in my addiction,
That derived me numb,

He was the star that shone among the moons,
A star that had come to recollect my heart's broken pieces together,
To recolor my planet with colors of hope,
To refill it with diamonds where nothing fitted in,

But, the more I fell for him,
the more we drifted apart,
The more it hit me,
we were of two different World's,
Flowing in a whirl of perplexed events,

War of hearts, 
Clashes of cerebrations,
Fight between reality and delusion,
Conflict between heart's feelings and mind's instincts.

Reflection of his face,
Oceans and skies,
Space between fate and destiny,
Fantastical design,
Delusional exception,
Deception world of thoughts,
Dinning imagination,
Mental pictures,
confined behind my desires and wishes.

#brokensouls

©tiana..❣ ft. Abdu_l💎

a reluctant smile as
her eyes made of glass
fixate on the plate in front of her
she is a void
both in her body
and spirit.