Lithium, light boxes, little pills for this and that. I’m sitting here in total fear, is anything gonna work? Pay me this, it costs that much. I was once told happiness is free. How do I satiate the demon inside who wants to **** me. How do I lull him, hold him, suduce him? He never sleeps. The pills don’t feel good anymore, I’ve cut too much and now I’m sore. Starving worked but it’s hard to start. There’s nothing left, I’m torn apart.

I was scared at first.
The voice started
drifting in slowly.
It crept in and dimmed
the shining lights that
kept me bright and shiny.
Such as the morning fog
consumes the mountains
was the voice in my mind.
I was scared at first,
but no longer.
The dark thoughts
are constant and persistent
but no longer worry me.
It is hard to find a light
when I am trapped by
all these shadows.
What scares me now
is not the voice itself
but is the fact that
I have fallen in love with it.

Unable to connect to others, I feel I'm always peering in
With envious eyes, I observe their lives, and wonder when mine will begin
The insidious illness that creeps into my soul, isn't easily diagnosed
It's hard to explain, to a real living being, what it's like to be a ghost
The doctors check my vitals and say "Umm, you look just fine"
If only that blood pressure cuff could read my ******-up mind
All the pills in the world don't seem to help, and instead just make it worse
I wish I could feel, something that's real, besides my mother's curse
Unable to relate to others, I feel I'm always on the outside
So I breathe on the glass and use my bony hand to scribble,
I am alive

Counting... Always... Counting.

A cup of herbal tea, maybe with some sugar.
If I feel up to it.

Maybe some soup, grilled cheese.
If I can stomach it.

Dinner. Whatever mom makes.
My only supervised meal.

Tired, all day... Every day.
Drowning in college papers.

The curves I worked so hard to get back...
Well. They're nearly gone.

Protruding hip bones,
Protruding collar bones,
Boney fingers,
Pale skin,
Fantastic figure and pretty ribs,
Cold toes and bad circulation.

Heart murmurs... Shaky breathing... Migraines... Exhaustion... Confusion... Lethargy... Weight loss

Shaking, Shaking, Shaking...
Shivering?

Gotta go make a cuppa, warm up a bit.

But... what's left for me to be healthy for, anyway?

I'll take a bath to warm up instead






Probably.

You tell me you love me
(No one loves me)
You tell me people care
(I am alone)
You say I am beautiful
(I am ugly)
You tell me it gets better
(It won’t)

I never believe you that it gets better
But it always does

haha
**** yov.
you know it triggers me
and im not doing so well right now




so tempted to go
on one ice coffee a day right now

dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat­dontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothatdontdothat

but­ i wanna.

While you might look
at the months ahead
and see feasts,
and shared tables,
and celebratory treats,
and memories made in the kitchen.
I see hours needed on the treadmill,
and calories needing to be logged,
and pounds gained,
and hours crying on the bathroom floor.
I no longer see the holidays
as a joyous time full of laughs
but rather as a 3 month long
depressive purge.