for anyone struggling with self-image

She has a comely form
and a smile that brightens her dorm . . .
but she’s grossly unthin
when seen from within;
soon an entire campus will mourn.

Yet she’d never once criticize
a friend for the size of her thighs.
Do unto others:
sisters and brothers?
Yes, but also ourselves, likewise.

My lovely wife Beth has struggled with an eating disorder for many years. I wrote her a poem titled "Is the Mirror Unkind" soon after meeting her. She was always much lovelier in my eyes than the reflection she saw in the mirror. And she was always much more generous with other people than she was with herself. The flip side of the golden rule is that we should treat ourselves as well as we would have others treat us! I hope anyone struggling with "self reflection" problems will be as generous to themselves as they are to others. And anyone who can sympathize with Beth can sympathize with themselves (hint, hint).

Keywords/Tags: Self Image, Mirror, Anorexia, Anorexic, Eating Disorder, Inferiority Complex, Low Self Esteem, Self Worth, Self Harm, Cutting, Anxiety, Depression, Hopelessness, Suicide

Naked and so very cold on the floor,
Lost in the volatility of my emotions,
Consumed by the forest of my thoughts.
How I long for the solace of sleep,
If only the medicine would kick in,
Pulsing through my veins for the last
Weary bit of my mania,
Attempting to reduce the heat under my overflowing ***.
Dying feels like a release from this hell,
An in between of too much and not enough.
With a coin in bipolar coffer,
My soul springs free,
But I have already given so much.
I do not travel there,
Near the edge,
For I am so excited by possibilities,
But my chest aches with the sadness of this cycle.
I miss me.
If only I could find her.

Dear Sirae,

One. Two. Three. Wait. No. Restart. One. Two. Three. Get it right or do it again. There is no way of gaining happiness without me. Look at you, you’re so foul and huge. ******* disgusting. So do it. Kneel on the cold tile. Feel your hair sweep forward and brush against your face while you bend over. Don’t be weak, push yourself. That wasn’t enough that came up. Again. Again. Again. I own you and you’re not leaving.

- Bulimia

just keep eating until you throw up,

until you can;t,

until you cant feel anymore

Honey to my eyes,
Liquor for the soul.
The chicken soup has lost its taste,
The peas porridge lies cold.
Skin stretched across the ribcage,
Brains rid of juices; lotion:
Twas a death so dramatic
She died in slow motion.

Laying up late, flipping through magazines,
Look at these beautiful people,
The bodies of angels who deserve to be seen,
Reading articles, thinking one day,
That could be me.
I just need to lose this waste of flesh, of fat,
Looking into a mirror of everything I hate.
Models can do it, they aren't just built like that.
Thinking one day, that could be me.

I'll skip lunch for a week, just speak
As if I'd eaten a lot before
No one will question me, I'm sure.
I'm quiet regardless, I started cutting down
On the other meals as they come around.
I've been a little dizzy and lightheaded
But I already lost 20 pounds,
One day I'll be beautiful,
Standing over a speechless crowd.

People are starting to take notice,
I'm nervous, making excuses.
I eat here and there so they know I've had enough
Then slip off to get it back up.
My chest hurts a little but I can reach my goal,
To be like the beautiful people, I would sell my soul
Even if I had to starve myself whole.

This is a letter
On what you did to me
How much of me you claimed
A lifetime of things
That nobody deserves
That I got anyway

I'd cast you out
If I really thought you'd go
But you won't
And I'm stuck with you
At least now I know
That this is not my fault
I don't have to go with you
You don't own
A sliver of my soul

You are nothing compared to me
To my blinding vibrancy
I am so much more
That what you -- I -- made me out to be
But at the end of the day
You aren't a part of me
We share the same space
But I will always be human
That's something you'll never be

Truth be told
I don't owe you anything
The hatred you grew in me
I've pulled out like weeds
If a lifetime of maintenance is what I need
Then I will grow my own garden
In place of what you made

Because I am beautiful
I am worthy
I will not live to die
There won't be one more wasted night
Trying to strangle out my life
I am so much more than you
You will never come that close
To winning again
I promise you that

So I'll go to the beach
In that skimpy bikini
While you thrash and writhe
In the back of my mind
Because every second proving you wrong
Is a second more of freedom

And I'll do what I want
I'll wear a dress to prom
Ask out that pretty girl
Face you head on
In the back of a car
With tears streaming down my face
Screaming to myself
That I am worth it
I am strong
I am more than you ever thought I was

This is a letter to you
Spelling out
The end of your reign
The gates have burned down
I'm gone now