His flawless facade veiled his private malignity, your sultry devil in sheep’s clothing.

My human experience is paused
I used to think crying all the time was the worst way to be
but now that I feel numb I’d take back the tears just to feel something
being able to cry is better than feeling basically nothing

•••

It is anxiety, underneath my smiles
There are despaires within my tries
And as happiness slowly fades,
My mind started to lose its faith

Been trying..
To smile, behind my secrets
Been thinking..
It is okay, when things do not go my way

Been pretending..
It is fine, even when i fell far behind
But, I am longing..
To find the path to shake off my sads

But lately..
I can not help but to feel like I am losing my track
Becase all that I am is..
Just a one big house full of wrecks

•••

Do you ever feel like nothing will ever change?
The depression, the anxiety,
Your way of living?
Sometimes I feel like I am not where I should be at twenty-five,
I do not make enough, I do not do enough, and have nothing to show for twenty-five years.
Will I always be this sad?
Will I ever be proud of the woman I have become?
Or am I doomed to live like this forever?
Never truly happy with myself.

An unconscious self sabotage
The reprimanding echo
A bed of invisible nails

Without the smallest clue
What was this discomfort of?

Exhaustion, a cage without doors.
Menial tasks turned impossible
Stumbling around all dazed

Dressed to the ninth in neglect
I keep forgetting to live.

As each day passes I hate myself more
Why does it seem like I’m always in the wrong?
“Know your place”, “you forgot your place” has become an axiom in my head,
I cannot help but think that I’m such a burden, inferior, useless, and shouldn’t live instead

I hate myself so much, everything is my fault no matter what I do
My character is criticised every single time,  the shadows on the wall chiding me for being such a fool
My heart’s so pain, I can’t breathe
With every breath, the more I hate me

The shadows haunt me, criticising every part of me
I need to change my entire self, the more wrong in myself I see
I hate every inch of myself, I don’t deserve to live
Why is it so painful to be criticised continuously, staying positive while taking all these in is a myth

The light casts on the shadows, bringing much happiness into my life,
My heart is full of joy during these times, the sadness and hatred becomes a lie
But when the shadows form and haunt me around at times,
I’m trapped - hatred for myself and depression hides in my cry  

“You’re weak and immature so you cry easily” was what I was told,
Weakness and immaturity adds on to my list - of the lowest lows
I can’t stop crying and wanting to self-harm, am I weak?
Or maybe those words has caused me to fail to accept any part of me

The shadows overwhelm me and engulf my sleep,
“You’re undeserving of anything”, is all the shadows have bestowed upon me
I always feel like I’m at fault even though I’ve tried, why is this so?
My character is questioned - I hate every part of my soul

I can’t help but wonder to myself…

Is the day that my tears dry,
Also the day that I die?

There it was, my opportunity.
My one chance at peace.
I could’ve said goodbye.
I should’ve said goodbye,
burned all the words I wrote you
till even the ashes turned blue
from the sorrow and pain
that poured from my veins,
drowned every memory of you
in the ocean
or with  a bottle
whichever came first
to cleanse my minds view.
But every time
I opened my mind
to the possibility
of living in a world without you,
my soul began to tremble and shake
my heart couldn’t help but ache
my senses entered a lull,
and that was just from the potential
of not having you in my life.
Just that simple thought
caused me such strife.
Maybe that thought isn’t so simple,
and like yarn on a spindle,
I’ve been wrapped in your essence
for far too long to conceive of a world without your presence.
It seems that the more I try to forget
the more mesmerized I become
till it’s impossible to be numb
to the warmth of your eyes that mirrors the skies
to the elegance you invoke as though it were a cloak,
there really is no other that carries a candle to your grace
and keeps my heart in an endless chase.
But I’m in need of a reprieve, some sort of break from this game
and yet, I can’t find it in me to leave.
So what am I to do?
Suffer,
attempting to capture a heart
that was always meant to be free?
Or quit,
lose myself in the thoughts of what was,
and what could’ve been?
What do I have left?