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AJ James Sep 2023
My body is my own worst enemy
inside - and stuck
Inside - with no escape
from the claws of this illness that
take hold of me

Rage - it pours from me
still, even though I have
no energy

I am left with scraps of
who I once was
- - and now?
What am I but a shadow of a previous
copy version of me  

I yearn and I grieve and I plead
but I am led yet again and again
to an endless tunnel of dread
that fills me to the brim
with nothing left but
the face of the victim
staring back at me in the mirror

I fear so much and so often -
this weakness has a grip so fierce on me
this sickness that has stolen so much from me
this demon has ****** and fed
on every bit of strength I have bled
of every bit of happiness I have shed
and left me with -

Nothing but empty vacancy
That is how it feels to be stuck
a body that can no longer feel

My body is my own worst enemy
inside - and stuck
inside - with no escape
So here I stay
Stuck and inside - and
with no escape
AJ James Apr 2019
Fooled by my own exaggeration
of how much I meant to you,
My speciality.

Agony is my new constant
Haunted by your disappearance
Hear it's departure, as your feet
beat onto the concrete as you
walk away from me.

He, never was mine, no
No, but I certainly tried
until I fried my eyes from their
sockets, and gave myself a
pocket of self-hate

Wait no longer, stay no more
bored was he by my existence
I am completely troubled.

Humbled constantly by rejection
Heck should I stop the effort?
Step forward or step back?
Cracked at the center of my sternum
Hurt from
all the break ups and
constant, harsh, wake-up calls
I've received

Give me peace, give me a reprieve
from the constant apathetic weave
that always seems to curve around my being
Beat me, with something other than

My preference is to suffer from verbal
rejection, so don't make me beg on
my hands and on my knees
just put me out of my misery,

Give me a "no" or even a blunt
Own up to your own cowardice
behavior, save your five year old
self from beating up your
twenty-seven year old ghost.

I hosted you in my heart,
I created ART for you, held myself
towards you...
I thought it was clear
Objects in mirror may be
closer than they appear.

Contents fragile, handle with care
instead, you threw them at the wall
Appalled at your complete HATE
I can't wait any longer for you to grow

No, I know I am low in my life, currently,
but watch and see me rise
by and I will surpass you in all regards.
It'll be hard.

It may take every ounce of me
to be better than me
but I know I can, without you
I will be more than me
Without you.

Without your apathy
AJ James Mar 2019
Consistently, I'll crave your inconsistency,
Consistently, inconsistent


Heaven, is what I feel when you touch my
And when you sin with me in the dark,
Dark night I wonder if I
Get the chance for this song and dance to last

The past is holding you back
From me.
Be still, stop running
Stop ruining everything in your path


Funnily enough, I know you're slipping through
My fingers, so
Linger no longer in my bleeding heart

Just part ways with me already, I am not
On my own two feet with/out you

See? I am defeated, I am so defeated
As I crave our moments, so

Hot like fire; soulful desire
Is my craving for you to admire


But you won't see--


Be---ating hearts, stutter,
Muttering soft murmurs of want,
Of need, of peace, of release

Haunt me
With your absence,
Have sense
To never come back
I won't take you back,
I won't take you back
(Lie, lie all I do is lie)

My, by and by I slowly die
And without care
You stare at my pain
And scoff
A brush, a kick in the dirt,
Don't you see my hurt?

Ghosted by you,
You don't see anything through
To the end

Scared little boy,
Ruined little boy.
Hurt little boy,
I would've loved you,
Little boy.
You foolish tool

I bid you adieu,

My Ghost.
AJ James Mar 2019
Realign your stars with me--
Reorder your universe, centering
us in the middle.

AJ James Mar 2019
Sweet, my sweet, you taste like enlightenment.
Heightened to full-throttle maximum,
Your everything hums in my bones, *****.

Liquid lust, a dangerous smile, so tempting...
Fading into nothingness
Because you deny your feelings for me.

Head my warning, my sweet and low,
Forward motion will cause us to separate eternally.
Might I get one more taste of you, my sweet?

My heart cannot take another whack.
Back to singularity, back to just me being me.
Back to always relying on only my "me".

Feed me with your reconciliation,
Hail the absolution you seek,
It's empty in my open fist.

This wasn't my intention, to send you running
Furiously, away from an idea of me and you and us
Thus... us will never be.

Thus, you and me will never see the light of day
I see that now: wide-eyed, tear inducing,
Bright, light, truth shoved forcefully down my throat,
I see that now.

Won't you come to terms with your own mortality?
Contrary to what you think, time is ticking
Whisking away your internal, ticking time bomb of a heart.

Art is what we'd create if you'd surrender and just start
To see the potential we could make, my sweet,
You really do taste like heightened glory.

My sweet, for me, you are purity
You stir me to my core, my sweet,
I wish you could be my sweetness, my reprieve.

Hear me when I say, I will always crave
Every last bit of affection you gave
To my eager, bleeding heart.

Sweet, my sweet, you taste like fire,
Igniting my purpose, I worship at your altar.
Faltered steps, echo from your side of the bed.

As you leave me, my sweet.
You always leave me, my sweet.
You are so sweet, please stay with me, my sweet.
AJ James May 2018
Miserably, I'll cling to the fading moments
I spent with you in my bed.
Fed up with things ending too early, I'll constantly
be fending for those soft touches and empty hushes.

What a word to describe how I feel knowing you'll
be gone by Sunday, without waiting for me to heal.
Monday will come and my heart will shudder.
Flutters, that soft, delectable feeling that I felt in my stomach
will drop and stop, halting all pleasantries.

me off with one last kiss,
Make me miss
you until I fade from the confusion.
The pollution
that you have caused to build up in my chest
Best be worth the final touches you caress
onto my skin.

I'll compare your clear brown gaze to the
murky lust, dirtied by others.
I wonder if you ever had any room under your covers.
I wonder if I ever had any pull on you, ever.

will I ever want to weather that weather-y storm you've
measured with buckets of rain
painfully, locking onto my chest
glued to my teeth
My soul feels erasably unfed.

I bled.
I bled. I ******* bled when you held me in my bed
and the words of your utter denial
Cried out between us, causing a separation
I wanted nothing to be with.

God, just three weeks. That's it.
Three weeks, peaking my emotions to their
utter, serene, intoxicating HIGH.
My, what kind of magic have you poured
into my veins.
I didn't think you could ever be the cause of this much

I didn't want to be another one.
For me, I've always been the detached one.
The one with a dismissal attitude, a missile
of self-confidence and independence.

Impermanence was all you were ever offering.
While I always was offering you my everything.
Foolishly, albeit. Albiet, foolishly.
I'll be it. I will be it. I swear it. I'll be yours.
But **** it, you don't need it.

Now what?


I'll go back inside and recreate
that tall, thick wall of utter
strength and unwavering singularity.
No more tingle in my bones, woe me.
Woe is me, all right.
Hope for me, that I can fight with all of my might.
If only I had the power to push you away
before it's too late, before I hate even a cell
of that specific date.
May. Thirteenth.

AJ James Aug 2016
Daydreams about my future
consumed my fifteen year old mind,
if only I was informed that eight years later,
I'd still be daydreaming about my future.

Daydreams about my future
consisted of joy and freedom
if only I was informed that eight years later,
I'd still be restrained and joyless.

Daydreams about my future
so misleading to think I would be successful
eight years later and I still question if this
pain will ever cease to exist.

Daydreams about my future,
a world full of fairness that celebrates brightness
not this mess of confused individuality where
anonymity is the new frontier.

Daydreams about my future,
gave me hope that one day I would find the acceptance
I so desperately craved
Eight years later and I'm still hungry.

Daydreams about my future,
reprieve from the torment from my peers.
who would have known, that eight years later
my peers would still misunderstand me.

Daydreams about my future,
the place I withdraw and hide in.
Eight years later and I'm still stuck
in daydreams about my future.

Daydreams about my future,
a hopeless concept my young mind created
to pretend that reality is nonexistent
Eight years later and my reality is still choking the life from me.

Daydreams about my future,
the only thing that keeps me going,
eight years later and I'm still relying on a lie
to get me through this life until it's time to die

Daydreams about my future,
who would have known that I would be so naive to stay here
Eight years later, my twenty-three year old mind has
disappointed my fifteen year old self.

Daydreams about my future,
are all I have left.
Eight years later and I'm still here,
daydreaming about my future.
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