8:30 AM on the way to school
Dad questions my existence.
How can you be sure you’re real?
And this life isn’t planned or constructed?
Who’s really in control?
Haven’t you heard – when people start looking familiar, it’s because God has run out of extras...

The scorched hills roll by in waves under the clear California sky.
Maybe none of it is real. How would you know?
Maybe you’re the subject of a tv show –
And I’m not really your dad.
And I’m just scripted to have this conversation.

If so

Then
Let them see
My fits of crazy
The ugly faces I make in the mirror
My secret tears
And ***** blood
And demented body
And twisted face
And let them know
That I am human.
After all.

Remember what happened in that black 98
battered souls, bruised dignities, blackened eyes
fallacies, conspiracies
no apology, no sympathy
but this is David and Goliath
don't you remember,
like eighteen years ago
except for its atrocities
and ridiculosities.

Dad,
you inflicted this on me,
you should have known
that the wheel
doesn't stop rolling.

Her flesh knew only pain, the day after...

He left

Her soul bled love, the day after...

He left

Her heart wept with innocence, the day after...

He left

"Did you want to say something?"
"No, I'm good"
Instead you'll give me money
Like you've always thought you should

I walked down the steps of first grade
I told myself "this is the best day of my life"
And maybe I was right,
But from that point forward the feeling of being abandoned echoed in other things, through other strife

Invites were missed and so were opportunities
But I never needed any of that because mom and I had unity
And even though on such important days I didn't have you with me
I'm fine, and everyday I'll have to tell myself why

You may have gotten me some play tickets
But did you see me graduate?
Is life at home alright or am I getting slack because you're sad and hate
The way that things have turned out but none of that is my fault
I wanted you to be there so I texted and I called

Why did I need to be eased in?
You were my dad
And even though the perfect movie family unit's something I never had
I felt as if I knew you and you made me who I am
And you did but why you didn't want to see that, I'll never understand

Even though we didn't even meet until I was six
The thought of my mom finding out alone still makes me sick
She probably thought it'd be just me and her forever
Was she wrong? Because I still feel like that when all three of us are together

She was all I needed
And standards are high
I hope I make you proud
But if not, I don't mind

And if you plan on getting thank yous
Everyone would say I should
But when I summarize the past
No, I'm good

Emotion is linear when I have clarity
I observe the unknown
It isn't civil to express benevolence without remembering your own
Moments construe laments of pridefulness without knowing what to do
I sink deep while unfurling the truth

Your eyes gleamed when you told stories of home
You protected hope
The sacred bond elapses
Being my father was nothing more than to provide the savior faire for me to cope

The impossibility to live up to your standards
To seek demeaning attention
To breathe only when told to
You showed me that standards were of my own
To expose the will I had to be good at something I enjoy

The garden you mailed to me is something I still take care of
You taught me things are meant to fall apart so I can put them together
I hold on to your spirit because my children will know
The garden you made was real enough for me to grow

Dad,
I am no longer your little girl
you can no longer protect me
not from the monsters within.

In a black hole you see me falling
In dark corners curling,
In the bottom of oceans sailing;
storms stonewalling.

Dad, you might think I am thralled -
But I tell you!

In my bed
I am appalling, trawling
reaching
for something to grasp
trying to calm myself down
Shoving the memories back.

Fighting the demons.
I see them
sprawling across
me
my dreams
my lungs
my THOUGHTS..
    my thoughts
          my thoughts...

DAD!!

I am betrayed
by my own mind...
          my body
          is REBELLING against me...

Despite the mountains
I trained
to carry
above my shoulders...

Some days -
Some days it feels
I am skinned alive...

One breeze of air
is enough to run sirens
alerting a world of
A BILLION neurons

Leaving me
stranded
agonised
looking for shelter,
wishing I can
crawl back
to my mother's womb
    sit, curl, and hold my legs -
    grasp the umbilical cord
    hear her heartbeat
1... 2...
Breath... In... Out...

Dear Dad,
don't you worry.
You raised a strong girl.
patiently she learnt -
how to beautifully braid
her fears and tears.

Your little girl
learnt how to play-
with the monsters nested in the head....
and the monsters under the bed.... into poetic ink
and art on the wall
she transformed them all.

She is a survivor, who copes

That said...

Every now and then
in my own bubble
you'll see me
slipping
in my favourite corner
sitting
unconsciously
graves for my unborn children
digging
not seeing a point for
living.

Deep inside
I will be silently screaming
I am brave
I am brave
But I am
slightly cursed
scarred
wishing I was still
your little girl

We tend to focus on the wrong things, forgetting what's important
When I was six years old I thought that life was always happy
But as I grew up my mind got contorted
Into what people whispered under their breath
And the word 'love' being thrown around like it was nothing
When I reached the age of seventeen my view of life was death
I now understand that love isn't always true
And that some men can't own up to their mistakes
For the longest time my parents didn't think I knew
But it's very hard to hide fake love in front of a teen
Because school did teach me at least one thing
It was that adults aren't always truthful to young kids like me
Because they don't want to mess up the family 'dynamic'
But what they didn't realize is that it had been ******* up for years
Yeah, I've downed a couple beers
If I keep things from them, of course they're keeping secrets from me
Mom, you don't have to lie to me
I've seen worse things
I just wish you would tell me the truth
Is there a reason you're sleeping in a different room?
Dad, please stop disappearing
I don't know where you go but mom would like to know
You don't answer your phone
You act as if you're not apart of our family
Your cover is blown
You eat at the dinner table absently
You never have time for us
Check your watch it's almost seven
You should be home by now
You would have thought you'd learn your lesson
I can't do this
Watch my family fall apart
It's been going on long enough
It breaks my ******* heart
Please stop this
I didn't ask for a separated family
When I was young we were so great
What happened to that fantasy
I grew up
That's what happened
I started to realize through my grown up eyes
That life isn't what it looks like on the outside
You have to look deep within to notice all the lies
The husband is a cheater
The mother is a forgiver
The son has been gone
But the daughter was like a river
She cried all night
Asking God why is this happening?
My family has been falling apart
And you sit back as it's unraveling
Help her!
She's my mother and I love her
She's hurting and she's trying
But she never gets anything in return
Help him!
He's my father and I love him
He's disappearing and he's blind
And he doesn't see what's right in front of him
A family who loves him
But he's been looking for other things
We try to give him all his needs
But we fail to do so
And the darkness proceeds
I get jealous of these other kids
With the families that are together
They care for one another
And they play games every night
They go out to eat on the weekends
And I'm stuck here despite
All the stories I have about our wonderful past
Too bad that we couldn't last
We had so many more adventures to go on
I wish I was six years old again
But I guess we can't all win
So I'll sit back on the sidelines
And watch my family slip by
This is the year my family fell apart
Not together in distance and never in heart.