Being a person who strives and desires and pines after and craves nothing but human connection, it can feel incredibly disheartening not to recieve it from somebody. I want but one thing? I feel disappointed. I feel ripped off. I feel like it may be my fault. Had I not opened the doors? Had I kept my own closed?

At this point I know connection is somewhat out of my hands. There’s nothing I can do to force connection. In fact, if I feel it must be forced or coaxed or manipulated, I know deep down it’s not meant to happen in the first place.

To want but one thing but that thing being so full of magnitude and unspoken rights and perfection and timing and alignment, it hurts me. I’ve set myself up for disappointment. In the same breath I refuse to let go of this deep thirst or hunger. At times I feel it’s a dehydration. It’s hard. But when I am met with Nature’s graces and she places people and creatures and spirits in front of me, along with our mutual understanding that us together carry the indescribable gift of true understanding. To our cores.. Connection

To crave affection
Is to crave-
To long for-
The display of love
And care.

To want affection,
One must first want
To be loved
And then want
To be shown that love.

To crave affection
Is to long for the knowledge
that one is loved and as much as
I shame myself for that craving
I can find no fault in it.

craving the taste of your lips,
the warmth of your chest pressed against mine,
the heat radiating off of our bodies;

craving you.

I need touch
but not of any kind.
I need the gentle one
filled with tenderness and love.
It is so hard to tell
for it means admitting
the ache in my chest
clenching tight.
I need to let myself feel it.
I don't want to get numb,
not again.

I feel so vulnerable.
Fragile.
Like porcellain.
Lying still in silence,
calmly crying tears.
They carry my hurt,
my loneliness.
At the same time
they carry the knowledge
that I am indeed
loved.

I am scared,
scared that by telling this
you are going to let me
slip.
A fragile child
shattering on the ground.
Rejected once again,
old scars reopening.
It's too much to bear.
It just hurts so much.
Rejected,
lonely once more.

So if i reach out for you
please don't freak out,
I'm not in love
nor am I a stalker
but a part of me is hurting
and i want it to heal.

I need touch,
a tender caress,
the warmth of skin
so comforting.
Please hold me close,
don't let go.
I feel so exposed,
nothing left to hide behind.

Please don't turn away,
I'm standing here,
so insecure,
soul stripped of all armor.

And I'm scared.

i sit here
with a heart that is
burning
it's burning fiendishly
for acceptance
and love
for happiness
and a future
and you're a carrier of water
just like me
but you don't extinguish my fire
instead
you pour alcohol on it
and then you leave
me

mining liquid ice, cream vanilla something
at dawn, sugar, fat, whipped smoke rising hope
better than hate at breakfast, face etched snarling
a circuit ******, roll and tub down *****
slippery, thumbed a feast of biscuit crumbs
off a plate, table and at feet. Arrived
at loathing a choir rabid, sings morning.

For the past eternity
My mind exists out of two things
I disgust you
And I want you really bad
Maybe it's the difference between
Mental and Physical
I hate your personality
I want your body
Sounds logical
But for the past eternity
I'm craving both