the melancholy of the moment hit me hard
like a rain check ten minutes before meeting
i've been on that road probably a thousand
times since last may
but something about the sunshine and the
slightly balmy breeze of late april
made me crave you in a way i hadn't before
i craved the way you always smelled like
essential oils and organic moisturizer
the seashells on your window frame
the creak in the floorboards in your entryway
the wind in my hair as i rode my bike to your
house, barely even able to wait long enough
for the white walk signal
i miss that
and it vanished right before my eyes
it's like every i touch falls apart
and i can't do anything to stop it
the funny things was
it started raining

want.

it's a feeling and a sense.
everyone wants something or someone.

what do i want?

i want
to hold your hand.

i want
to kiss your knuckles.

i want
to tell you how gorgeous you are.

i want
to see the crinkles at the corner of your eyes when you smile.

i want
your breath to tickle my neck ever so slightly as you rest.

i want
to run my fingers through your hair gently.

i want
to hear your wondrous laugh.

i want
your cushioned lips on my skin.

i want
your simple presence.

i want
i want
i want
i want

i want these mild thoughts to go away.

they taunt me everyday for reasons unknown.

for reasons that i'd like to know.

but i don't.

so, i'm stuck in a constant state of confusion and frustration.

i'm stuck because i never bother to tame these thoughts.

i'm stuck because i choose to wait rather than do.

it's just too mild.

too mild for my cringing heart.

I love you
only in ways
I am allowed to.

I admire you
only from afar,
where I cannot touch you.

I dream of you
only in the deepest of nights,
an unconscious rendezvous.

I wish for you
only in silence,
not one desire, untrue.

I love you
only in the dark,
‘cause under the sunlight,
I’d be reminded of your
watermark—

you are not mine,
though I am yours.

I love you
alone
it is the only love
I’ve ever known.

short and contained moans
fill my ears—
i think of every gasp
as “i love you’s”
i know i would never hear

        hot and sweaty hands
        grasp my thighs—
        i think of every touch
        as promises
        i know you will let die

                strong and desperate hips
                ****** against my own—
                i think of every action
                as “i’ll miss you's”
                i know you’ll never think
                when you are alone.

        long and tired legs
        entangle with mine—
        i think of this finality
        as a self note
        to make this the last time.

cold and distant nothingness
fil the space beside me—
i try to think nothing of this,
i would only be,
once again,
lonely.

Sadness has a taste,
It's bittersweet, a soft bite,
It makes you crave more.