High tide still rising
Life compromising
Fires igniting
Their ego enlightening
As they drown in the sea

In the emptiness of this moment,
I am witness to an avalanche.
My world, once solid
Is now water running through
My desperate fingers.

They say time stops in freefall,
but this isn't stopping;
This is stretching,
Like toffee pulled to its limits
Until the strands give and snap.

I stand so very still,
Like a statue carved
From all of this numbness,
Watching pieces of myself
Scatter like startled pigeons.

The sound.
Oh, the sound.
It is not in the breaking of,
But in its absence;
With so many conversations
That we'll never start or finish.

As empty rooms
Greet me with silence,
And dust motes float
Through spaces where
Our dreams once lived.

And all the while,
This acceptance
wraps around me like smoke,
And I know.
Oh, how I know,
That this is how change begins.

Not with wings,
But with the death
Of everything
That was once
So familiar.

©️Lizzie Bevis

"It's the little details the hurt people."

Who knew,
A math teacher,
Would be so right.

Dear 14 year old me
You were a strong and still strong
Human being
Who still has integrity
In her heart
The way I see
You had to
Hide you dreams
For survival and I don’t blame you on that
It would have been a horrific
Fate if you were still
Like a peacock 🦚
But not you can show your feathers
In a safe place
You don’t have to fear torture
If you want you can do 50 pull up if you want
Now show your brilliance and shine

This voice screams
Silently in my head
And it seems
I must ignore the dread
Pressing against the seams
Like 1000 pounds of lead
Poisoning my dreams
As I lay awake in bed
Silencing the screams
Ringing in my head

People call people who try to end there lives, selfish.
"You should never do that. Think about how many people
who would be affected."

Think about this though.
Kids don't off themselves so they can put others in pain.
They do it because others have put THEM through so much pain.

Don't call me selfish, because I am hurting. I would give someone my heart, I would jump in front of a moving car if you needed saving, If you need a hand, I'll be there.

So no, I'm not selfish. I am tired of picking up other people's messes and then being treated like nothing in the end.

Another
Fills the cup
~To sorrow smother!~

Another
Flies the coop
~To sully another!~

If thee were to drink
Would this malady cease?
And if thee were to leave
~Would you return to me,
Please?~

Nightly whiskey flow
stains a white-walled childhood home
Parents seem blurry
Love and danger co-occur
Paroxysms of anger

In childhood there’s no room for shades of grey
It’s black or white, confusion sits unused
A place for everything and each in place
And I am in control and thus to blame
Come adulthood to show me I’m confused

So, consequences passed down like a gift
In genes and in behaviours left unchecked
To witness fights, hard falls, deep burns, and pain
The trauma transfer, second-hand ingrained
With love and anger, care and dark neglect

Then later roughly realise there was wrong
The blend of wrong and love is hard to hold
Most often see the child who fails at school
With low self-concept, guilt, hot shame, and fear
But all built strength and power left untold

Compensatory
change for homeostasis
Strong roles adopted
Scars deftly hidden
Chaos-order alchemy

I must be The Responsible One
Parentification at maximum pitch
A list-making, chore-running, stable-housemaster
A self-worth creator from jobs neatly done
All leisure-time wary and leadership-rich

I must be The Adjuster as well
Will follow directions and bounce from extremes
A dime-spinning, change-juggling, fresh puddle-jumper
Surprise and emergency make me excel
More calm at the edges than flat in-betweens

I must be The Calming Placater
Maintaining still waters whatever my price
A vigilant, change sensing, smoothing class helper
To people-please acts as a guilt-shame assuager
All pliable, social, and overly nice

Imperfect but strong
coping mechanisms forged
Power in order
Capable, dependable
Psyche shaped by survival