People call people who try to end there lives, selfish.
"You should never do that. Think about how many people
who would be affected."

Think about this though.
Kids don't off themselves so they can put others in pain.
They do it because others have put THEM through so much pain.

Don't call me selfish, because I am hurting. I would give someone my heart, I would jump in front of a moving car if you needed saving, If you need a hand, I'll be there.

So no, I'm not selfish. I am tired of picking up other people's messes and then being treated like nothing in the end.

Another
Fills the cup
~To sorrow smother!~

Another
Flies the coop
~To sully another!~

If thee were to drink
Would this malady cease?
And if thee were to leave
~Would you return to me,
Please?~

Nightly whiskey flow
stains a white-walled childhood home
Parents seem blurry
Love and danger co-occur
Paroxysms of anger

In childhood there’s no room for shades of grey
It’s black or white, confusion sits unused
A place for everything and each in place
And I am in control and thus to blame
Come adulthood to show me I’m confused

So, consequences passed down like a gift
In genes and in behaviours left unchecked
To witness fights, hard falls, deep burns, and pain
The trauma transfer, second-hand ingrained
With love and anger, care and dark neglect

Then later roughly realise there was wrong
The blend of wrong and love is hard to hold
Most often see the child who fails at school
With low self-concept, guilt, hot shame, and fear
But all built strength and power left untold

Compensatory
change for homeostasis
Strong roles adopted
Scars deftly hidden
Chaos-order alchemy

I must be The Responsible One
Parentification at maximum pitch
A list-making, chore-running, stable-housemaster
A self-worth creator from jobs neatly done
All leisure-time wary and leadership-rich

I must be The Adjuster as well
Will follow directions and bounce from extremes
A dime-spinning, change-juggling, fresh puddle-jumper
Surprise and emergency make me excel
More calm at the edges than flat in-betweens

I must be The Calming Placater
Maintaining still waters whatever my price
A vigilant, change sensing, smoothing class helper
To people-please acts as a guilt-shame assuager
All pliable, social, and overly nice

Imperfect but strong
coping mechanisms forged
Power in order
Capable, dependable
Psyche shaped by survival

In the depths of despair
hope will fade,
and emptiness will follow;
But, you are not alone there.

A heartbeat within
wills you to be strong,
to find yourself
and carry on.

So, take a breath,
let it in,  
Love begins,
let it go…

©️Lizzie Bevis

Each fall left its resounding mark,
etched upon her courageous soul.
A thousand times she fell,
yet, rose with gumption whole.

Rock bottom understands her well,
like an old companion who called;
But she became resilient
when internal darkness sprawled.

©️Lizzie Bevis

My mind is a tempest,  
thoughts clash and collide,  
a bluster of worries  
I can’t seem to hide.
It feels like a storm-tossed sea,  
where wild waves surge with the tide,  
bearing burdens heavy as anchors,  
as my heart sinks,
pulling me down,  
with a weight that drags me under,  
while I helplessly drown.  
I look up to the heavens,  
yearning for a tranquil sky,  
somewhere beyond this suffocating grey,  
to soothe my restless soul,  
to find a way  
to simply rest  
and call it a day.

©️Lizzie Bevis

I feel so empty
Nothing is real
People say it's not that big of a deal
But it is
It's something you cannot miss
It lives with me everyday
It feels like a fever dream everyday
It's hard to live with
People may think it's a myth
It's really not
It's just like a knot
It's annoying
It's overwhelming

It often makes me wanna cry
But sometimes makes me want to die
It often leaves me questioning if life is real or not
It makes my brain form into a knot
It's so confusing
It's so overwhelming
I can never ground myself
I don't know how to cope with myself

The "fever dream" makes life so cloudy
It almost makes me look lousy, or drowsy
It makes me think if I'm high or drunk
Or if my body was in a trunk
It's like I have a 0.5x filter constantly running
It feels like after I got done hyperventilating

Is this a poor way of my body coping?
From all the groping?
From all the manipulation?
From all the exploitation?

Why do we carry this language of blame
Describing our keys to survival?
Subsist and survive are not really the same
The latter complexion, more skin in the game
Not best-life but rest-life deprival

How can we cope in inflexible ways
When bad comes with real consequences?
Surely attaining more subsequent days
Shows that our coping is worthy of praise
Extended, effective defences

When can we grant ourselves residency
With normal societal backing?
Without the heretical hesitancy
But carrying coping more elegantly
Set free from self-tackling attacking

       Can we retell our histories
       Including the victories
       Earned by our damaged main actor?
       Are social consistencies
       Issuing injuries
       Skipping the benefit-factor?

Behaviours may surface inexorably
No use in my current rendition
But very successful in rescuing me
And thus, I will carry them generously
Admit that I needed them desperately
       But not in my present condition
Release them with grateful permission

i want to hug strangers on the bus. i want to cry on their shoulder, tell them

can you believe? how do i do this again?

let them stare at me in surprise and pity, marvel at how hard my life is

maybe somebody will know. they'll say

you've did it time and time over. it happened time and time again. you're still alive and you still will be

and i will be comforted

and I won't think at what cost, at what cost. why me again and again.
I'll know my strength and won't wonder why it isn't someone else's that's tested

It seems I don't know quite how to respond,
To the pain present, within and beyond,
So, my subconscious defaults to the lead,
With habitual patterns, I proceed…
Reliant on instincts and emotions,
These primal pathways take me through motions,
Now I’m acting rash, values misaligned,
Hurting loved ones in this stressed frame of mind,
All because I’m unable to pacify,
My cortex, drenched in stimuli.