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am I a drag, a bore?
what do I even try for?
all my hopes and dreams of loving,
have hit a snag.

I know two siblings; I'm closer to one
The younger is more forgiving
You can't have your cake and eat it too
So I chose the older; seems more loving
She comes by at least three times a day
Sometimes stays for hours or more
I love and admire her, she gives me control
Myself I despise down to the core
People tell me she's not one to call friend
But I thrive on every time she checks in
She urges me to surrender at every turn
I'm fighting a battle I don't want to win

**** I feel lonely,
everyone is a phoney.
Nobody understands me,
nobody can stand me.

All I see is fake smiles,
big words full of lies,
big world full of liars,
pretenders and deniers.

Go on, keep pretending,
like your life has meaning.
Go on, carry on with the fake praise,
pretending to care is the new craze.

When the going gets tough man,
the pretenders forget you, ****.
You are all alone in this world,
most bitter truth I have ever heard.

Maybe I am being a bit harsh,
maybe my words are a bit rash.
But **** I feel lonely,
I have no one who loves me.

Why is it so difficult to be taken seriously?
Every cell in my body feels like it's burning
I'm hurting
I want to die
Everything feels wrong and I am increasingly more anywhere
But here
I am floating
Crumbling
Burning in real time
Is anyone listening to me right now?
How fierce is the male ego?
How many ounces of self-worth and peace of mind does it take
To cushion your fall?
It's been almost two and a half months
Since I last felt at home in my skin
All because you were scared of being wrong
And honest

I live a life of hypocrisy;
Contradicting words with acts.
There is no guilt, though.
I assure you of that.
Because I deny words already
Rejected by reality.

I utter lies that I myself partly distrust.
My speech, a suicidal prophecy,
A contradiction of self-harm.
I talk of talking, yet never really talk at all.

I do not lie as a cold shelter,
For I truly believe what I say,
Even if my belief wavers.
I lie to render it true.
It is mere coincidence that my honest
Lies blanket me with ice.
It is cold yet warm; an uncomfortable contradiction
Reflective of my perpetual discomfort
Because difference disturbs,
And discomfort is being.

I stay silent in pain
From harm which is ideological.
My body does not react
To the turmoil of the mind
Until it does,
And it acts.
It acts as it can't, but can.
It defies rules before they can be realised.

And so I talk about how I cannot,
And while I lament my inability,
I talk.

They say your past lovers
shape your future tastes,
and I'd be fraught with a dilemma
if it were true,
because I cannot afford to love
another man like the last two.