I never knew we’d be on this journey together
And I never knew how quickly we’d say goodbye
A decade or so of memories made and quickly faded
When I thought it would be at least a lifetime

Scraped knees and unfinished lyrics
To some unwritten song you heard in your head
A song about me

You carefully pried the confidence from my core
Bonded it with yours
And in that moment it felt like we were the same person
Breathing
And bleeding
And on the verge of breaking

We’d become entangled in each other
Sharing cigarettes and mouthfuls of golden ales
Bites of gooey grilled cheeses
Thick with summer and excessive amounts of butter

I cried a lot
You sweat a lot
We couldn’t find a way to exist
In the same space
Or even in the same trajectory

Our innocence and sincerity drowned us
Not the poison of my words
Or the decadence of your disregard
For anything I wanted or had to say

No, it was the purity
It was the rawness
The gritty conversations at daybreak

Where the salt water stained our nostrils
And we shivered by the waves
When we saw the dawn illuminate
The faults of our connection

I needed you more than you ever wanted me
I hated you more than you ever loved me
And I loved you more than I loved myself

I valued the fringes of who I was
I didn’t think about who’d I’d get to be
And looking back
I’m glad we said goodbye
I’m content with the plans of us
As never

Why is it so difficult to be taken seriously?
Every cell in my body feels like it's burning
I'm hurting
I want to die
Everything feels wrong and I am increasingly more anywhere
But here
I am floating
Crumbling
Burning in real time
Is anyone listening to me right now?
How fierce is the male ego?
How many ounces of self-worth and peace of mind does it take
To cushion your fall?
It's been almost two and a half months
Since I last felt at home in my skin
All because you were scared of being wrong
And honest

I can't tell if you're still around
Because you want to be
Or because you've got no one else

The woman downstairs is angry
She asks:
Why do you shut the stars out and not let the moonlight in?
I think, but not say:
Listen *****, the night is bright and bustling
And I just want to ******* sleep
I want to forget the pleasantries and just heal
From the day, the week, the year
Of this seemingly inconvenient life of mine
Hating yourself is easier in the dark
Being hopeful seems easier when nobody is looking
I just want to ******* sleep

I am standing in the doorway
And it is 2:37 in the morning

There are people smoking
And people talking
And all I see is you looking at me

Afraid to move
Afraid to make a connection
Afraid to potentially feel like
This isn't some passing moment

Where I'll hold your hand
Maybe kiss you
Discover all your favourite things
And see how the align with mine

A moment where
We'll lay in your bed
Barely touching
Because we already feel warmth

Each story and detail is like
A breath of
Potential
To love
To befriend
To remember

I am standing in the doorway
And I'm unsure of what to come
I am blind
I am deaf
I am disconnected

I see how the moonlight hits your face
I smell the moisture in the air
It is 2:38 in the morning
And I don't know why you are here

A superficial outline of my fantasies
An idea come to life
I've imagined an entire narrative where
Something happened
Something was there

As I stand in the doorway
I watch you whisper the lyrics
Of songs you love

Noting each melody
Each singular note
Each pause
I am besotted

I am standing in the doorway
It is 2:39 in the morning
I am pondering
And grieving  
What could've been
And will never be

I wonder when I'll hear from you
Will I hear from you?
I guess these things have their own rhythm
A course of actions
Unfolding at the precise moments
That they need to

A cadence
Sometimes so bold
So quick and fiery
It makes me melt
It makes me bend
It makes me feel conscious again

Then it fades
Goes cold and crumbling
It's as if
The landscapes of our fate
Were barren to begin with

In this time of fluidity
Of movement and transition
I want to feel grounded

I want to feel like I belong
Together with you
Do I?
Or am I just waiting?
For these moments that seem like they're fading

To conflate into a meaning
A purpose
A feeling
That I've been missing all along?

I wanted to grow
Transform
Expand
And just...
Move on

And when I hear you speak
With joy and sunshine in your words
I can't help but wonder
How all this light
All this love
All this joy
Came from the ruins
Of a soul once burned black

This liminal romance
I am transformed
Reborn anew

She said she didn't mind
If you stayed for a minute
A season
Or a lifetime

I'm on my way
Towards feeling the same