Sometimes everything in real life can be going really great
but in your mind for some reason on a night when you're alone everything seems to be crumbling.

On a friday night like tonight.

When i went home and thought about the bonfire I was invited to
thought about friends
thought about how I had no idea what my relationship life was right now
thought about how it was so frustrating that I couldn't find my glue gun for weeks

binge watched tv

ate

put away clothes

found some pictures of myself, pictures of an insecure youth who hated her body more than anything in the world. a girl who cried. a girl who was disappointed that she didn't look like barbie now that she had become a teenager. a girl who wore a lot of makeup to look pretty and cover all her acne. it didn't cover the acne just gave her a little barrier from the world. A girl who wore push up bras and straightened her hair every day and sometimes wore a bow in it.  she hoped that boys would notice her or like her. A girl who was upset when they didn't. A girl who had no idea she liked other girls.

put on some lipstick, smeared on black eyeliner, patted on blue to my eyelids, put my hair in a cheerleader bow

tore apart two closets trying to find my ******* hot glue gun

more tv

thought about how i felt dehydrated
thought about the mess i made from looking for the hot glue gun
considered cleaning it up
considered texting someone

glue gun

glue gun
glue gun
glue gun

I will not write any poetry tonight
somewhat colder is the night
the cedars sleep
the cat is right
to curl up in dreams
so I will not write any poetry tonight
besides, how many can you write
(unless I want this graphomania,
that some say is our life)
the cedars sleep
the cat is right -
I will not write any poetry tonight
but watch time creep
until the dawn

He always moves his legs
whenever he sits down
like he has this rush
going on in his head
or maybe—just maybe
he’s always ready to run
and left everything
everything he has
so far away
that nobody is able
to stop him
or get him back

I am in an eating mood today.
A wag would say 'sure what's new?'
But I know the difference.
It's a matter of control and
Today I have no control.

I'm in the grip of it today.
An optimist would say 'think yourself lucky.'
Because it's not drink or drugs.
It can often feel as hopeless and
Today is a hopeless day.

I worry about my weight today.
A cynic would say 'just stop eating.'
Sure all it takes is willpower.
But willpower is not for the weak and
I feel weak today.

I will try to rise above it today.
A pessimist would say 'can't be done'.
But I can't listen to myself anymore.
I need to stand up taller and
Believe tomorrow is not today.

Sometimes the impulse to write is in my bones and buzzing in my brain
My skull shakes and the voices feel like and earthquake
For me, it's always been a disease
An unforgiving compulsion that stops me in my tracks
These words escape, Christ, I don't even think
It's like being possessed
So I picked up this ******* red pen to perform an excorcism

Dad tells me I'm crazy
Mom says I'm insane
But how can I begin to explain to them
What I feel inside my brain?

The doctor calls it OCD
says don't do that anymore
I say I need to be free
I'll touch that corner till I'm sore.

They don't know what I know
How life would be if I paused
and then they'd come back to me
after seeing what they've caused.

As I lay dozing in my bed,
I write poetry in my head.
Playing the page with well-worked words,
A mix of adjectives and verbs,
My Voice it resonates with musical sounds
And my imagination knows no bounds.

I like that!
I declare,
So soon I’m rushing down the stairs
To grab my pad.
Scribbling it all down
Did I forget to mention noun?

Forgetting words is just the pits:
That sends me into raging fits.
I’m on my laptop soon enough
To add more verses, off the cuff.

Microsoft Word becomes my home
As now I’m really in the zone.
I just can’t stop myself from doing this I know:
All I can do is let it go.

Paul Butters

The want to die
Is more of a
Compulsion
Lack of
Motivation
Is telling me to go
To burn from the
Inside out
Like a marshmallow left to roast
This is no life for the
Morbid zombie
The lives in my soul
The need to stick
My head in the
Fiery pit of anger is
Overwhelming and I
Want to ravage the land
With drunken rage
And seductive eyes
And no I can't do this
I can't be sober
For too long
So I'll dive head first
In the ocean
And hope the current drags
Me out too deep to
Touch
Like me
I've lost touch