Sometimes everything in real life can be going really great
but in your mind for some reason on a night when you're alone everything seems to be crumbling.

On a friday night like tonight.

When i went home and thought about the bonfire I was invited to
thought about friends
thought about how I had no idea what my relationship life was right now
thought about how it was so frustrating that I couldn't find my glue gun for weeks

binge watched tv

ate

put away clothes

found some pictures of myself, pictures of an insecure youth who hated her body more than anything in the world. a girl who cried. a girl who was disappointed that she didn't look like barbie now that she had become a teenager. a girl who wore a lot of makeup to look pretty and cover all her acne. it didn't cover the acne just gave her a little barrier from the world. A girl who wore push up bras and straightened her hair every day and sometimes wore a bow in it.  she hoped that boys would notice her or like her. A girl who was upset when they didn't. A girl who had no idea she liked other girls.

put on some lipstick, smeared on black eyeliner, patted on blue to my eyelids, put my hair in a cheerleader bow

tore apart two closets trying to find my ******* hot glue gun

more tv

thought about how i felt dehydrated
thought about the mess i made from looking for the hot glue gun
considered cleaning it up
considered texting someone

glue gun

glue gun
glue gun
glue gun