A frost had already settled late that night
Into the tenth hour, when most would be sleeping
All was quiet and cold on the front
When the stars presented themselves, you presented yourself to the sky
I imagine as gracefully as sunrise
Quiet and unsuspecting,
it sprang on us like an early spring

When winter turns to spring
and daisies push their way through the dirt
when the transition is done
I'll think of your fight to push through life, yet open yourself up
just as flower petals open to this world
Even though you passed in winter, spring will remind us of you
After a harsh winter, spring will be there to guide us,
whether we've made peace with the season,
whether we're ready and however early
We'll pick daisies to take you with us on this spring's journey

I could have helped build you in my moment of destruction.

But I left you...

   I returned...yet I was the one to inform you that I wasn’t home.

     Now you’re gone and I’m still lost...




What’s worse is I can say I’m honestly at my most comfortable in this space of numbness

I’m sorry and I miss you
This is the cycle we were given to.

may your tears soak through my skin

                                                           ­            as your head lies on my chest
may your fears pour down my throat

                                                         ­           as your head lies on my *******


                           may i steal some of your nights?
                             as you steal some of my light?


                                                        ­        may your pain be shared with me
as your head begins to rest

i'm not sure what to do with all the distance
it's been months that have felt like years
i can remember when you came into my life in the winter
and I can remember when you left in the summer
arrival and departure
the distinct difference between the two
i'm only at the thin line of division
the way my emotions don't add up
like miscalculated algebra
all to your advantage
i kept your love letter
the letter where you plagiarized a novel
because i wasn't good enough for your own words
that was my only closure
i wanted desperately to burn the stuffed bears from the carnival
i could only part with one
when i hold it close to me
i feel like how a child would
expecting prizes only in fabric and cotton stuffing
not words of affirmation or love
i almost drove by your house
but i knew i would only go mad thinking
of who has been touching your new furniture that i helped pick out
leaving their fingerprints in place of mine
i miss my t-shirts that you still have
i hope when and if you wear them
you can feel me close
my heart beating where yours is
sometimes i feel like i miss you enough for you to show up
as if my pain could teleport
the craving of a complete closure
one where i don't need liquor or a lighter
others bring up your name
as if i'm not in the process of misplacing the letters
or dismissing the syllables
i've been trying to forget your face
your face of sharp bones
flaring nostrils
and nostalgic lips

i've been trying to imagine if that night would have never happened
when that veteran couldn't take himself anymore
he chose you to be his last interaction
it was all in hints
he was screaming for help without making a sound
how were we supposed to know
i still wonder where that blue jay is that he buried behind the building
i just couldn't bare to see it
now i wish i made a map
X marks the spot where our love died
i remember when you had to bury your own blue jay
you never saw it coming
you took the wrong step and it was under your foot
just like he said his bluejay was
fidgeting and fighting for life
i'd like to think it was a sign from him
to let you know it's possible to move on and forward
so you did
you moved on to scabbed skin and worn-out lungs
i moved on to scholarly headaches and false pretenses
back then i could never fathom my days without you
now i find it difficult to recall how we were
it feels like our romance was a dream
because it only felt real when i was asleep

closure
doesn’t bring relief
i still feel you
should i grieve?
for what we were
or would have been?
you draw me in
let’s rebegin?

i probably should be
less broken-hearted
but it has ended
as it started
i saw the signs
and chose to ignore them
separation
bittersweet mourning