My aunt asked how I felt
She asked after I broke up with him
I thought about it and sat there
Stumbling
Struggling to put my heavy thoughts into words

My head told me to do it
My head also spoke against the idea

My heart
The part of me which hurt the most
It said my choice was right
But screamed in pain
In the unbridled anguish of grief
Of loneliness
Of hurt

She asked if I still felt my choice was right
If I regretted it
Would I go back

Would I
If I could go back
Would I change this action
If I could go forward with him again
Would I...

Heart says yes
I hurt him
I could help
I could fix this

Fix what
Fix the temporary pain,
No,

Heart says no
This was right
This choice was right
It would not be good to go back now
Cause more pain, deter healing
What would it fix
Nothing

Head says yes
He was good to me
He loved me
I loved him
We were happy
Head says yes

Head says no
We had our differences
Our difference in religion
In region
I would have hurt him later
Our arrows didn't line up
I was fooling myself that they did
Blindly hoping to see change
Seeing change when none was there

With my head pulling my heart
Heart pulling my head
What was I to do but pray

My body is incredible
Not only do the subtle curves from inch to inch make me feel desired
Or the little waist my mothers middle age friends comment on
Or the fragile battle scars of a lifetime spent trying.

But the internal haven of complex systems
Each of which so cleverly placed.
A life source
I am my mother and fathers child
A founding force of a long full love
A miracle
Trillions of lives I may have lived
Millions of faces I would never had seen
Thousands of places I longed to go.

My body is my protector
Sheltering me from my worst instincts
To carry me through youth with agility
And to eventually carry another
But that is my choice

You cannot put me or my body in a box
You cannot tell me how to live
Or choose
Throw away your pointless cries of justification
I can’t hear you
I don’t want to hear you.
Why should a government official tell me how to be, who to carry, what to do.
My body is a vessel not yet ready for carry.

I need to carry me first
Take it a step at a time
I don’t love myself yet
It takes time
Nor do I love my body
Appreciation is the word. For now.
From the intricate designs of the birth mark on my leg
To the S shape scar on my thigh
The unanswered scar on my cheek and the moles that cover my arms.

They are mine and no one else’s
They can stay as I choose
As can it
Not he or she or they but it
Because it’s my choice

I am not an object
You do not own me

You do not own women

Cocktail
Cockfail

You’re drunk again

Mixed drink
Mixed emotions

Try thinking sober

Multiple shots
Multiple plots

You keep ordering

Pitcher perfect
Picture perfect

From drunk eyes

Hungover again
Hungover pain

Still same problems

Alcohol calls
Alcohol falls

Your name again

You answer
You catch

Maintaining the pattern

Alone, afraid
Alone, unsafe

Numb the pain

You feel
You need

But you don’t

Your week
You’re weak

Put the bottle

Down now
Move on

Overcome the pain

Don’t count
Don’t love

Your buzz more

Than yourself
Than health

You got this

You can
You will

If you try


Angry sober
Happy buzzed

Sad when drunk

Regretful after
Disappointed after

But then you

Drink more
Drink none

Break the pattern

My hair is covered, my intellect is not.
My feet are covered, yet I'm still going places.

My ears are covered, my hearing is not.
My back is covered, yet I'm still standing.

You've imprisoned my tongue, my words will never surrender.
You've imprisoned yourself, yet I'm still trying to set you free.

A shoe that fits no longer
change blowing through the open doors
A rhythm that springs from my core:
My shoe it fits no more
My shoe it fits no more
My shoe it fits no more

Stripped from expectations
guided by a vision
A whisper from the void:
The empowerment of choice
The empowerment of choice
The empowerment of choice

I took a drive on a manic day,
And turned the corner way too fast.
My actions caught up to me at last,
And I crashed my car on life choice lane.

So I stood there as the engine smoked,
And pondered on nonsensical things:
Such as how the caged bird still sings
Despite a shortage of dopamine.

Hallowed be thy name o' Lorde,
Somehow still playing through my radio.
Sound waves bounce against the pavement and echo,
Making the loneliness even louder.

I'm left to kick rocks on life choice lane.
There's a dent in the stop sign pole
For everyone who has paid the toll
Of dealing with my sorry ***.

But now they're gone,
And now I'm gone.

I told everyone that I’m okay,
But do I still need to say?
I wanted to be happy, just to be happy all day…
I wasn’t expecting you come into play
Expectations deprived me from watching sunset by the bay

They wanted me to be perfect but I couldn’t shine properly
I was criticized silently
And was perishing inside, slowly

I cried a lot; my life’s too dry
No one scrupled to ask, “Are you still okay?”
When you had the confidence to utter words, it was late.
Too late
I’ve taken my life and it was my fate.

When knowing becomes a sin
A secret kept within
And the hushes in the wind
Question my eyes to see

The fear of those to know my name
It creeps and crawls beneath my veins
And threatens my judgment
Of things I simply cannot see

My friend, my foe
To me I'll never know
All this pain I've self induced
This habit I can't break loose

Tell me I am wrong
And sing me that song
Remind me I am my worst opponent,
Request my eyes to see.

A world full of mirrors
Yet still ashamed to say,
I am scared of me
An image I may gain  

But listen my darling,
The only eyes on you, is the reflection
Of what you choose,
Choose to be

The sooner you learn
That your eyes control you
That the mirror is the sin,
Not your many buried within

Forget to see
Then you'll really begin
To notice me,
Me and all my insecurities

But your kindness stretches farther than the horizon
Kissing the ocean goodnight
Only to rise in the morning
That is your ever giving light

It has been told
That the eye is the window to the soul
And the way you see others
Gives away the tears buried deep, beneath, that hole