when i was nine my mother told me
that i was a bad liar when she caught me taking spare change from her purse,
and shaking my head repeatedly
when she asked me if i did so.

she told me that again when i was fifteen
seeing the cigarette pack i’ve forgotten in the leather bag i brought everywhere on all those nights i snuck out diving into the ever varying adventures and misadventures that awaited with the dark.
she asked if those were mine while i found myself trying to come up with a good enough alibi, ending up using my friend’s name to cover up.
yet she just gave me a discerning glare that went past my soul, guilt washing over me all the while.

and then you enter the scene,
all those instances i let your quirkiness charmed me and the jokes and the far-fetched pick up lines i rolled my eyes at, dissing you as corny.
but then, in case you’re not aware, or if this wasn’t part of your evil scheme,
that was how your name slowly crept its place in my heart;
for whatever this blood pumping ***** is good for.

until the silence erupted the euphoric hurricane we spun around in,
and you started breaking out of the trance without my knowledge,
only leaving me asking for more-
all of a sudden the intimacy felt forced.

lovers that were out of their own picture

text messages from a number that you blocked out of frustration when i kept bugging you about it.
hugs you enveloped me in with that perfume, a different scent from the one i wore, stuck on your clothes.
suspicion unraised, countered quickly by your “ i love you’s”,
took long enough to realize they were useless reassurances.
the last straw a scene fabricated in the bathroom of a party confined by the vibrating music.
and even in my drunken state i willed myself to believe that was just because i had too much to drink, more than i could, as i stumbled my way home, shrugging off the shock.
that it was just someone who wore the same flannel you had and had the same curls that i ran my fingers through and spoke with the same voice that sang me all the songs you wrote and the ones that i loved.
i had one too many futile attempts at telling my brain to shut up, that i was just yet again overthinking.
it was just a random guy who had his lips pressed against a girl that wasn’t me.
that it wasn’t you hungrily undoing the buttons off someone else’s clothes.

but avoidance can only sit so much with confrontation.
and when i finally did, the only words you uttered were “ i love you”,
from the sick twisted guts you have i guess.
and when i caught your eyes,
i could see you trembling inside.
i guess guilt could still find a way to reach you after all.

the rebellion from my teenage years came back to me for a split second;
it was then when i knew why my mother called me a bad liar and caught me all those times ago.
because when she looked through my eyes, the truth revealed itself.

-“ ‘cause darling you’re a bad liar too.
i guess that’s why i fell hard for you.”

The first time you saw his pictures you should’ve ran,
Are you now only stuck in this relationship because you are one of his greatest fans?
Believe me if you stay you might just **** him up with your bedside table lamp
Because baby he played you
And your whole relationship was an enormous sham

You deserve better than this, more than the world
I only wish you could see how your soft, tender smiles are worth more than the oceans’ pearls
These men don’t value you so why do you continue to give them your time?
Is it because they continue to floss their scanty little dimes?
Stop asking him if he even gives a flying ****
Because to him and his friends you were just an easy, ugly duck

The love was and will never be there
And it’s okay to cry your heart out for now my sweet, little dear
But only sob for a few days over his harsh ways
And please remember that losing him will be just another phase...

Imperfect Desire **

You said you never meant it.
But when I told you,
I love you.
I did.
Not all of us
Are unfeeling husks.
We are still human.
We hold close what we find dear.
We hold on to the few things we need
To survive as our worlds collectively burn around us.
How was I to know by the time our paths crossed
You had already given up the fight.
So yes,
I mourn.
I mourn the piece of myself that I gave to you,
And thought
You had cherished.