you stick your head out of the window to look at the stars.
star gazing.
star tripping.
come down from space !
get your head out of the cosmic cloud you claim is "love" (!!!)
do you not understand ?
you’ve become a black hole devouring me like i am easily replaced.
you crave the attention of other planets,
never satisfied with my atmosphere.
but i would give you the entire solar system if i could.
you wouldn’t take it from me.
you would take it from HIM.
you stick your head out of the window to look at the stars.
i never knew the stars had their own agenda in mind.
i never knew the stars could be so selfish.

There's a radio on
Blending into the drone of the car.
Outside, it is silent.
Silent trees, silent night.
Inside, there is weight.
All around, may as well be outer space.
Dark, there's stars.  I'm an astronaut
Gazing through the thick paned glass.
Inside, where there's weight, I feel completely
Filled.
And so separate from what's out there.
Not just the stars, the trees, the noise,
But the people, the laughs, the bounce.
Tomorrow, I'll be buoyant again.
Eyes wide,
Limbs nimble,
A-glow.
Tonight, though, I am heavy
Heavy in my hips and head and heart and ribs
Every breath wraps me in an embrace of air
I feel my stomach hug back.
My eyelids steal kisses
My legs melt.
Inside (of me) there's weight
Soft, sweet, lulling, drawling
Weight.

Wind whipping my hair.
The music filling the car.
Driving down the road.

car ride,*
to,
your house,
to,
your yard,
up,
the stairs,
to
your front door,
to,
enter,
to,
step inside,
to,
look around,
to,
be leaded,
up,
stairs,
to,
stop,
to,
open the door,
to,
enter,
to,
wait for you,
to,
sit with my friend,
in,
your room.
to,
watch you enter,
to,
ask you about your day,
to,
be your friend.
but,
you, lay, down,
to,
pull, me close,
to,
not, let go,
to,
get, on, top,
to,
go, down, my pants,
to,
take, off, my top,
to,
not, hear me, when I screamed,
**STOP.

"i think you're
extremely depressed"
you announced
turning off the fork in the road

(well look who's
finally catching on)

"i think that's
extremely offensive"
i replied
turning up the stereo.

"you never want to
do anything anymore
you just want to stay home
all alone in your hot room"

(maybe because that's the one
place where i'm safe to be myself)

"there's a big
world out there
and how are you
going to see it this way?"

(cue that one song about the world
being better off without me)

"mom
i'm tired."

(why do you always
decide to talk at me
on my way to or from
where i don't want to be?)

"well maybe if you
stopped telling yourself
you were tired all the time
you would be less tired!
or maybe if you
stopped drinking
coffee when you
get home from work."

"it doesn't matter
i won't sleep anyway."

"it might help
if you really tried
aren't you taking your
melatonin supplement?"

(i am not taking my
melatonin supplement
because it stopped having
any effect on me months ago
but i'm not about to
tell you that)

"we want to have
fun with you
even dad's commenting
that you don't want
to do anything
and we want you to
go out to grandma's and
grandma wants to take
you on a trip and i want
to take you on a trip
i've been planning it for
two years and i want
you to be actively involved
and i'm upset that you'll
talk to your friends but
not me and i feel like
you don't love me anymore
and i've failed somehow
as a parent and
and"

(and i've
stopped listening.)

"don't turn up
the music
we're having a
conversation here
why can't you go
back to the good
wholesome stuff
you used to listen to?"

(maybe if you wanted
to have a conversation
here you could stop
talking and start
listening to what
i'm not saying and the
lyrics i always sing
along with over you or
maybe you could stop thinking
i'm still who i used to be)

"i think you're
extremely depressed."

*(no **** sherlock
i'm not o-*******-kay
but i wonder why you
didn't notice a year ago.)

something about the late nights
driving alone with the windows down
listening to a soft melody
reminiscing all the old times
the good times
when life wasn't so complicated
it is pure beauty
feeling the most vulnerable
the most alone
it is such a joyous sensation
knowing that i can feel this way
whenever i need to get out
it's just as simple as starting a car
pressing play
and rolling the windows down

im in the car for an hour or so

the whole time the sky is grey

rain splatters onto the windshield

this is what makes me feel okay

Within the four doors that make up my Hyundai Elantra surges gasoline of sublime ecstasy.
                I'm gonna lose my mind and sail the ocean.
               'Cause somebody told me there were cherry blue skies...
Reverberates my radio and pours out of my chords to the tune of the bliss hiding in the highways ahead of me.
Sometimes, I let my voice steer the wheel and my hands touch the happiness in the follicles flying through the winds of the roads.
Other times, I drive without reason--
Without a destination or time limit or objective.
I drive to dream about
                Waking up too early
                Maybe we can sleep in
                Make you banana pancakes
                Pretend like it's the weekend now...
Or to caress the breeze of the sunset's gentle gust grazing my fingers and the spaces between them.
On the surface sits a black car, but inside travels the life inside of me that I cannot manifest anywhere else.
As
      Don't stop believin'
      Hold onto that feelin'...
Turns the corners and the lyrics to my wheels
      Come crash into me...
I can't help but thank the gravel that I drive on and embrace the euphoria that I breathe in and love the life that I live.