It's okay to not be ready. To want something but just not know if it's a good fit. Doing everything the right way also doesn't mean that it will all turn out perfect. Making such a permanent move can change your entire life. Is it worth it and will the change be painful? It's easy to stay in the same situation. The comfort of knowing what will happen everyday will keep a mind at ease. Yet, if change comes what will the day look like? The transition should be easy and without questions.  To live in fear of what could be equals emptiness. It could also leave one stagnant. The heart wants change but I'm just not sure.

Life gets so busy as children grow they graduate and get married. If we allow it..the world and people around us will shape our thinking. Seeing the way people treat you it allows you to see how they view you.                                                   If you accept their way of thinking you might allow the thoughts of others to shape who you are. With an immature person this occurs all of the time. Let's look at the slaves. If one person was afraid to learn to read the majority became afraid. The same with running to freedom...not all were prepared to run.                                           So they stopped others by telling on them so that they should not go. Some told when others were running. If those that ran listened to those that stayed who would have taken that underground railroad? I respect everyone's standpoint..yet, it is not the thoughts that I own an cherish. Your road is not mine to travel.                                               Although, my feet might burn an my sweat might pour from traveling my way. The lessons that I learn..I will use them to to make those that come behind me build a far better road than even I have traveled.

I use to run off of emotions, and things always worked out. Yes, my life is piratical, yet at times I do things that are out of my lane. I am not in love with change, I move with prayer. There are many times that my mind says go and Jehovah says no. So I work off of what I am told.
It builds my faith, endurance and trust in him.
I have many short term goals. All of the long term goals have been met. Raise my children, teach them to love Jehovah and love and protect my brothers and sisters. My short term goals are to make it in this system as I await the next. While it seems simple, you would really need to know me to understand, how not so simple I really am.
As my life changes, how strange things seem. So much time on my hands to sit back and just dream. Analyzing the lives that many choose.  That is because I am still young enough to make a whole new life of my own.
I have not seen anything that appeals to me. As we age, so does our common sense. I am grateful to Jehovah that throughout my youth, I had my children to fill my time.  I love my babies and I am so thankful that Jehovah changed my life!

If I know what you are going to say before you say it, you disappoint me. If you copy what I do and lack personality ...you disappoint me. I look at some people and watch how they watch me. You seem to be annoyed, yet you try to use my words. My actions you copy.
I don't understand why, you try to act they way that I do. I was born into this personality. I did not built it. Be who you are, if I speak to you, there is something about your boring little life that is admirable. So admire yourself. There are some that pretend that they don't need love, yet you ooze hate. Fact: you need love and were unloved as a child. Learn to love yourself, otherwise no one will love you the way that you need.
Ha, yes! You disappointment me. Are you always looking to blame things on others? Do you look for people to harass because you are unhappy? I hate to say it, but you disappoint me. Do you disappoint yourself? I know that you do, when you say things out loud, you hear if from another persons standpoint, then, only then, can you really hear what you need to.
This will allow you to better who you are. If you are a disappointment, things can change for you. Self help, work on you. Don't focus on me, I love me..funny, witty and silly! If you see something that you like about me or anyone, make it yours. I don't look good on you.

Minds are not changed by having the ability to control. Only actions are maneuvered or subdued. You imprinting fear upon her soul does not make her love you. It is also not a show of love from you. When you allow someone to move the way that they need and want that is love.  
Your fear of losing is shining through as your grip tightens. She sees you for the coward that you are. Your threats are going to put your silly behind…behind bars. If she leaves what will you do? Will you stalk her and try to make her come back. In her mind she will just be looking for the next chance to get away from you.
We cage animals not humans the actions of you controlling shows that you are losing. Not just your lady but your mind. Is this how you thought that you would be so crazy? Under that tension and fight there are issues that are undealt with.
Counseling changes lives and the way that minds think. It helps loose cannons become meek. Mild with thoughts of natural pleasure. It will help you get yourself together. If you were her would you stay or would you run? If you say that you would stay then we know that you are Cray Cray.
No normal person wants to wake up in fear. Not knowing if their mate is going to lose it. Then you lose your life. Allow her to be free to fly. Control is not love it is a hold from the unwanted.

Even as adults we are still learning things about ourselves. If you would have told me that if crossed I devour, I would have laughed.  I have never been a mean person. It seems that things get built up within us and we can only take so much. Once we get to a certain point some of that anger must be released.
Normally, I have the ability to release in a positive way. Ha…with you I wanted to destroy you. Not take your life. But hurt you until you begged for mercy. They knew that I was not a nice angry lady. I could be quite dangerous if you ask me. Someone one asked me, “do you get back at people when crossed.” My answer on the spot was no! I did not even think that way. Yet once you pushed me it all came out. I scared myself….even though no lies were told no life threatening danger was to unfold …cringing pain was coming. As time went on…I mocked you by calls. You answered as if we were friends. How could we be friends after all of the things that we just went through? I was not your friend.
As Cardi B says, “Be careful with me.” It seems that you did not heed the warning.
You went undercover hiding from everyone. Months later popping up in pictures with people that have a venomous, vengeful dislike for you. I no longer desire to harm you in anyway.
By the way that you are living you are harming yourself. I am going to take time to work on myself. I don’t like the fact that I am not a nice lady when angry. But while I am working on me…my advice to you is to stay away.

If life were perfect you would be my one. I love your smile, your laugh and I get your silly jokes. I understand that your pain has made you a different person than the one that I first met. Understanding that you have a fear of what could or may not be you shadow your life with the unreal. You allow yourself to become excited with the things that children love. Underneath all of that hurt I see you. Sometimes we have to take hold of where we went wrong. If we keep looking at how I was hurt. Or why did they not love me enough to stay we wallow in self-pity. This can cause anger and division.
You might not know or see when you push people away. Then you long for them to be there. It is all too late. Not everyone wants to fix the broken. We are all broken in our own way. If we go fixing things that don’t belong to us, we have then wasted so much time. While we could have been working on ourselves.  If I call you…you answer. If I text you even if angry you reply. Even though I purposely ignore your calls. I do so because, when I was right there you did not come for me. There were many questions by others as to why you did not come. I made excuses for your absences even to your friends. As much as I don’t understand you I do. Your fear pushes people away.
Yet you constantly appear.
I wish that I could allow you in to read my mind. But we all have our fears. I too am afraid of allowing people to get past my comfort zone.  So while we constantly adore one another, we will also constantly be alone.

If tomorrow never comes don’t mourn for me because I have finally found good sleep. No, I won’t be able to hear you as you post your fake love on social media. Because I will have finally found the true meaning of peace. I won’t hear or see your tears because I will be asleep. You won’t find me in heaven or your term of hell. For these things don’t exist for me. I will not be among the ones that reign in heaven although I do hope that they enjoy their new life. Nor will I be burning in hell, Hell is a common grave and no God of mine would treat people that way.
He is a God of love and mercy so know that, if tomorrow never comes I have the hope of the resurrection. Make sure that My children know that they are my heart and that I hope to see them when I awake. For those that I have spoke the word from the bible with, I hope that they continue to learn. If tomorrow never comes for those that lost contact stay lost. Please don’t come around I won’t be able to see or hear you. But there is no love lost.
If tomorrow never comes remember that those that you love must know it. Serve Jehovah to the full he is so amazing and deserves your love and so much more. Those that were there with and for me you mean the world to me. Don’t run up bills on student loans or trying to buy homes. Travel and give love where it’s needed and deserved. If tomorrow never comes I will see you in the new world. Same girl but we will be in a perfect world!

Many times, we put everyone ahead of ourselves. We feed people and forget to eat. We love people and forget to love ourselves. If someone that we care about needs something we will drive hours away to give them what we believe that they need. Even if we are not in the best situation to do so.
There is nothing wrong with having love for others. In fact, that this is what makes us human our love. The way that we give and share our time with people. Not just our loved ones but those that may not be able to assist themselves. Before you reach out to be there for everyone do a self-check.
Make sure that you are okay. Will whatever you are going to give put you in a bad situation. Not financially but mentally and physically. We need to be balanced in all that we do. Don’t give to everyone else and have nothing to give to yourself. It is not selfish to take care of you. When you are down ask yourself …who is going to care for you? If you don’t have and answer continue with your self check. Make sure that you love you then them.

This life is new to me and I am learning to enjoy the moments. There have been many first times just this year. I now understand what it means to love at first sight. Loving unconditionally has been taught from watching my children love their mates. There are new fights that are being fought. No not with hands as we grow those fights are done away with. The fight for another day is with in me.
While many other things are on constant repeat. There are many new experiences that are being had. Today was the first day that I believe my sister finally tried to understand me. People sometimes paint you to be the person that they think that you are. Or who they want you to be. When I listen to people tell me who I am. What kind of person have always been and it is laughable. It is more than strange that people can know you all of your life and know nothing about you. I have been told that, “you only let people get so close.” This might be true but if I do it should say a lot to you. Trust is earned and never just given.
If I push you away it is because you put me in the situation to. New dreams and heart beats warm my inner being. My mind-set is different. Before I wanted you to know that I am there for you and would put myself to the side to provide. I never looked for anything in return. That mind-set has changed. I can no longer give my all to everyone. I have learned to replenish myself no other human can do that for me.
I am not returning calls that I don’t want to make. I will no longer participate in events to show others that I care. I will not lack sleep to benefit someone that does not deserve my attention. If I delete you I am not interested in knowing that you are offended. You earned your deletion and I hope that you do well. With these small first's I can’t wait to see what more is to come.