when i gaze into your eyes,
i feel myself drowning a little,
a little more than i should.
            
                          i'm
                               slowly
                                   slipping
                                            away.

when your presence is near,
my heart flutters in your madness,
i feel your effects.

                        like
                              alcohol
                                          in
                                              my
                                                system.

when you speak my name,
i feel my body freeze and my mind,
replaying your sweet melody on
repeat.

                            like
                                    a
                                        broken
                                                record.

when you're not near,
i begin to crave your more than ever.
perhaps it's the after effect.
or the withdrawal of you.

                             i
                               need
                                       you.

but when you whisper it so softly,
the fact that you love someone,
someone else, i can't help it.
i can't help my miserable feelings.

                               i
                                 can
                                       hear
                                              my
                                                   heart
                                                           crack.

love is described as:
flowers blooming
sunlight shining
red lips perking
broken hearts mending

and maybe love is all that
but it can also be:

flowers sagging
rain clouds swarming
grey lips drooping
and the newly mended hearts
slowly
unstitching
themselves

i expected you to come. but i didn’t expect to care. i thought the past was, well, the past. but seeing you, was just a whole other story. it felt like i was relapsing. what i thought i had left behind of you, came flooding right back into the conscious sector of my brain. i looked at you for a brief moment and then immediately looked away. i didn’t want you to know, but somehow i got the feeling you already did. seeing you once again made me realize that you were exactly what i craved, the unknown lust in the back of my brain. you were what i wanted, more so what i needed. i looked away as soon as your eyes drifted to mine, but even then you never stopped looking. i tried to stare the other direction, to engage in conversation with my friends, but somehow my eyes always drifted back to yours. i never wanted to look away. and every time our eyes met, it felt like the moment would never end. and i never wanted it to. as i stared into your eyes, i felt a longing, a sorrow, a hatred, and empathy. memories come flooding back, one by one, many good, many awful. all i wanted in that moment was you. but somewhere i knew that i could never have you. my brain tried to make a logical/realistic way that we could maybe work this out and that all would end on a good note, but nothing was coming to me. and then i wondered, how many times must a scab be picked in order for it to scar? because it seemed like no matter how times i picked that scab, disregarding all of the pain and tears, it never seemed to scar. i thought that maybe that meant that one day we could be happy. i should know by now thought that destiny would never let that happen. so hours went by of our eyes meeting and then we would both turn away, almost afraid of what would happen if we were to continue. there were moments aswell where i could see you out of my perifial vision, staring at me with a sense of longing. us being in the same room felt nostalgic. i hated that i still felt this way, that i still love you, even though you have broke me time and time again. tonight we spoke no words to each other, but our eyes spoke sentences. my heart hurts at the fact that this is the way i have to live. in longing. waiting for a love i was denied, many times. cheers my love. **

Who have I become, I don’t like this version of myself, the version of myself that you have pushed me to become.
We spoke 24/7 let me say that again 24/7… twenty-four hours seven days a week for nearly a year and then it just stopped.
Did you get bored?
Did you finally have enough of messing with the feelings of a girl who was completely and hopelessly devoted to you.
You moved on and I hated you for it. I hated you because I was still completely and hopelessly devoted to you, I still had hope that it was all a bad dream and I would wake up to sunshine and glow instead of the clouds of grey that now “shine” over my life.
I saw you for the first time the other day since, well since, that day when time stopped and I stopped dead in my tracks when I got the message “this girl I’m seeing.”
Those four words tore me and I could feel the physical pain of heartbreak. That’s when everything changed, I became a person that I look at in the mirror and don’t feel anything towards.
I used to look every morning and hope.
People have an ideology about hope that it looks and makes you look beautiful and youthful, almost innocent, but hope as far as I’m concerned can go and take a hike.
Hope was the shackles that caged me from being the true me. Now I said at the beginning that I don’t like this version of myself.
This is still true but I’ve grown comfortable with being her and that ones on you.

I’ve waited for you,

  for

          so

                        long.


i’m tired now. but I hope
one day you remember me.

all those,


                                efforts

               ­ texts,

calls.