I'm not supposed to miss you.
So they say.
But I think of you
Almost everyday.
I keep telling myself that I'm not supposed to love you.
That's why you hold her close.
But here I am.

Heavy hearted
I'm scared that I love you.
I don't want to take your happiness.
But I want to take away your pain.
laugh through your tears.
Even though its all said and done.
You're the one who holds my heart.

I keep telling you not to miss me.
But you still think of me.
Sometimes
I keep telling you not to love me.
I'm too dangerous.
But there you are.

Holding onto a battle you'll never win.
You want to be happy.
but with happiness is new pain.
you're heart isn't done healing from the last time.
And I'm still the one who broke it.

We constantly live in a fantasy where nothings changed.
Its our only comfort.
Nothing bad happens there.
Only love.
a play ground for our hearts,
Where our dreams for the future are still alive.
before our hands turned to ice.

I do not know where I am.
I do not recognize this place.
This darkness feels so empty.
Maybe it would help you decide if I tell you where I come from.
Misunderstood, broken, verbally abused.
Fat shamed and even made fun of because of my looks!
It all adds up to my path to insanity.
All I ever wanted was love and tranquility.
But fate decided that it should be denied.
Now all I have are my failed attempts at filling up that deep black empty void.
Romanticized so many ways to give up my life.
But my hesitation should be viewed as courage or cowardice?
Now as I lay here contemplating the reason for my existence through all this pain,
should I try my hand at giving up my life again?

Break my heart,
I want to write about you.
He left
Then I started Writing.

this is a page about how you broke her bones brutally.
blinding her days into the darkness she couldn’t settle for a stand.
“this is your sin.”
love was great,
love was strong.
but,
she felt small and very alone.
she has been good with broken things.
she is a big bang of catastrophe, an eruption of God’s tears.
if you just didn’t promise, she was whole without your shadow.
a promise is a sin.
and there is a sea of promises bare of thunderstorm needs to be nurtured because she has been damaged with your bona fide lies.
a dudgeon.
her voice is hoarse, a singer of your sobriquet name.
nights are no absolution and her cries are getting softer.
she wanders aimlessly to the 12 am's.
for her, this is exactly what death looks like.
a midnight snack and frozen story with her bedroom’s wall.
she locked herself in a funeral she called a slumber.
your love was a fanciful story, but one night away from the present time.
“this is your sin, and now she’s a sinner.”
she has been fragile and your love was boastfulness.
she was a rose and you brought her wrong.
this time, it’s her period of middlescence.
maybe you love her but your goodbye was more intimate on her guessing mind.
she was no longer a human, nor ghost in your grasp.
she is a belle of disaster.
but a million miles away,
you will beg her to come back home.
and missing her will be the only thing you need to shrive.
she has struggled to pluck your name and deep in the ground up you know she will.
and you expect her to be whole for your bathos tub.
the riot forms within your lungs,
and you had enjoyed as a fabulist to her.
she was your joke and games.
she's altering your lies into poetry.
her dictums soon to be as soft as the dusk teaches her tenderness.
to tame the seas inside her,
you have to tame her kingdom with thousands of armor.
and her Lord listens to her prayer.