It's 3 am,
everything feels like it's falling apart.
Self belief is fading,
heart is aching, mind is raging,
colors are fading,
self esteem is deteriorating,
and I am here expressing.

Writing to reunite the broken pieces
into words and art
so it feels like i am not break and falling apart.

Nothing was attached when we met
and I sure as hell
that you weren't the orchid
that I was searching.

The moon wasn't shining
when I first saw you walking with a bursting orange shirt and I promise you that I never felt that you were a meaningful poetry.

But for a few days, your face lit up my boring world, your jokes shined my darkest river, your smile was the sunrise that I was waiting to see,
and my mind was your place that you're always going to be.

But these past few minutes, your voice is the most unpleasant sound I've ever heard, your eyes are the most boring thing in the world, your face is the last thing I want to see.
I don't want to feel like this but I don't want myself to get hurt.
Go on, I'm not forcing you to love me, because I know, all your life, you've always loved her and not me.

I am out of control.

I feel it in my soul.

I'm tearing apart again.

Tearing apart just like then.


It hurts me so badly,

being stuck in a fake reality.

Not being able to write.

Not able to see the light.


This is all hard to comprehend.

Tell me; When will it all end?

I’m not ok
And I’m done letting that break my heart.
I’m going to forgive myself first this time.
I’m not going to add my disappointment to my situation.
I don’t want to add lightning to dark skies anymore.

And some days it’s ok to put makeup over it and dance.

And I will not let anyone make me feel bad about it.
About being pretty and broken.
About having a big heart but not enough to keep the beating steady.
About wanting your lips as clean up of this mess.
And your hands for grounding.
For needing the sun and coffee just as much as the moon and my pen.
About smiling and breaking at the same time.
About breathing and coming back together at the hands of myself again.

it's wood cut and clawed
markings of years of
misuse

built to be sturdy and strong
it's legs stir and shake
with every new addition

books
bags
even bodies

til one day

snap

Leaving
It sounded all to familiar to her
No matter who left it never got easier
The dead silence with the only sound of her beating
The damp tears beating down
The shatter of her heart breaking by the footsteps of another leaving once again
She felt it way to many times

fall in love
fall apart
fall asleep
- and repeat