I need no explanation for why your kiss is on my lips.
Let's pretend that it's for him.
Let's say it's all in fun.
Your words can't change my feelings.
There is no trouble here.
If it's for him I'll see it
But it feels like it's for me.
And I can close my eyes for days and feel you on my cheek.
And I can rest my eyes for weeks and feel you next to me.
Whatever be the reason that you found your lips on mine.
I'll take it in with laughter
And then I'll drink it down.
It'll build up deep inside me and you'll never find it here.
Because while our lips are making small talk in the space between our cheeks
Your eyes may wander towards him
But I'm nursing my addiction to your second-hand love
And it's never going to end
And I don't care.

They love us for our madness and they view it all as play.
And as long as you all see it
Then it's not some form of secret.
And I don't have to speak of it with shame.
I kissed you. And you kissed me.
I kissed you and I loved it.
And nothing needs to come in to ever take me from it.
Unhealthy or unstable frankly I don't give a ****.
I need this in me right now and your smile washes it down.
With every single moment I keep it in my mind
And remember when I'm writing all those times that I was special.
Bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.
And every passing moment.
I'm drunk on all these memories.
They feed on my addiction and I will kindly let them.
I'm coming out and I don't give a **** for who will judge me.
I love him and I love you and nobody can stop me.
So kiss my lips just one more time and let this all sink in.
Please come a little closer let me try.
Give me equal reign of the situation.
And I'll pull your pretty eyes away from his.
And he'll start to question why you cannot see him.
And you'll start to question why you're wanting more.
And when you come right back around to see me.
I'll kiss you like you've never been kissed before.
Watch me.

If you are reading this, I apologize.
I didn't want you to discover me in this way.
I didn't want you to discover me at all.

I thought that I could go on lying to myself,
To continue with this facade,
But I just can't do it anymore.

And I don't know how to 'come out'
In the way that I should
And I'm not even sure if I want to.

But if you're reading this
Then I suppose you already know.
I am who I am, and I can't change that.

I fell in love with a girl.
That's all there is to it.
Nothing fancy.
I just
Fell in love.

How is it that a sin
That is worthy of death
Can be something
That some cannot
Control.

Granted,
I may not have come out of my mother
Telling her that
I like
Boys
And
Girls.
But that doesn't mean it's not true now.

How was I to know
That after 19 years
Of waiting for a man
To sweep me off my feet,
I would catch her eye
And feel something new.

Something that I had felt before
But different.
Like when I hold his hand
Or when he kissed my cheek
Just how she holds my gaze
And makes my knees go weak.

You can't just tell me to stop.
No matter how many times you say it's wrong.
I've read that Bible through and through
From Genesis to Isaiah to the book of Matthew.
I was raised in the church
And in a Christian school
So don't you tell me what I know
To be "true."
Because I can't help this.

It's like when you stop a wildfire from spreading.
You may have extinguished its flame
But that doesn't mean it didn't burn.
And if you find it humorous
To judge a fire
For not just burning the grass,
But also the trees,
Then how equally ridiculous is it
For you to judge me
For not just loving the birds,
But also the bees.

The wildfire
Didn't set out to ****
It was simply doing
What it felt was right.
And you can extinguish it,
Yeah you can put it out.
But that doesn't change the fact
That it happened.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love her.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love him
Too.

She took my hand
And called me baby.
And from that moment on
I no longer knew
Who I was.

A stranger to myself,
Needing to look in the mirror
To remember what I
Look like.

She brushed my brow
With her fingers
As my head was in her lap.
She called me beautiful
And I believed her.
Because she simply
Cannot be
Wrong.

She changed me
And then she left me,
To introduce myself
To this new person
That has taken up the space
Inside of the skin
That I vacated the moment
She called me
Baby.

"Why don't you come home more often?"
"Why don't you bring that nice boy of yours over anymore?"
"Why don't we get to meet this friend that you talk about so much?"

You ask
So many
Questions.

And I just shut down
And you just get mad
Because I have nothing to say
That will please you.

Why don't I come home more often?
Because this place no longer feels like home.
Home is where you are accepted
Not judged.
Home is where you are safe
Not targeted.
Home is where you feel loved
And I don't feel loved here
Anymore.

Why do I no longer bring my boyfriend around?
Because he can smell plastic people
From a mile away
And he turned into a greyhound
The moment he caught wind of your *******.
He isn't as courteous as I am
And I envy him greatly for that.
He won't paint his skin to match your plastic shine
Just to be called one of your own.
I wish I could do the same.

Why don't you get to meet my friend?
Because I'm in love with her.
And my bisexuality is the only thing I have left
That you cannot
Judge
Or
Taint
Or
****.
You can be as homophobic as you want about my friend
Because he likes boys
And you can change the channel
When you see two girls kiss
But you can't see what's right in front of your face.
You created the very thing
You despise.
So I won't bring her over
Because my kiss is still on her lips
And my boyfriend holds my hand
Through it all
Because he knows
That I need this.

You made three perfect children.
All married.
One grandchild
One on the way.
Two girls and one boy
Living out your dreams.
A scientist and a nurse and an aspiring policeman.

But don't you forget
That you also made me.
Your little
Outgoing
Antisocial
Loving
Bitter
Bisexual
Baby.
The youngest of four.
The "oops" of the litter.
You made me.
But that doesn't mean you
Own me.
And that doesn't mean you
Define me.
And that doesn't mean you
Need to accept me.
Because I don't need your acceptance.
I don't need you at all.

So
"I won't be back home for awhile."
"Alright. We love you."
"If only."

I'd rather risk her knowing the truth
Than lose her.

How could I possibly love them both?
It just doesn't make any sense.
It shouldn't work that way.
It doesn't work that way.
It isn't right.

And yet...
His smile...
Her eyes...
His laugh..
Her lips...

I can't ignore the fact
That I feel the same emotions
For both of them.

There are certain things
That I simply can't deny.
My body and my heart
Will not allow it.

And yet...
I hide...
I fear...
I lie...
I change...

And yet...
I still feel the same.

He was the only guy I met
Who wore a genuine fedora
And for all he struck a figure
He turned out to be a horror.
He was Satan with a swagger
A thin cheroot hanging in his lip.
He got into every nightclub free
I never saw him leave a tip.

His voice was like his words,
Smooth and slick and few.
When he talked everyone listened.
It seemed the proper thing to do.
But later when you remembered
It seemed he didn’t say much at all.
You just remembered his affect
His posture and that he was tall.

I don’t mean to imply he was a loner;
He had his choice of friendly fare.
And, it seemed the were both genders
So, there were lots of us out there.
We entertained, or at least we tried,
Just to keep him where we were.
And throughout the evening’s fun
Competition is what we all were.

So, we flirted and we flattered him
And we kept his cigarettes well lit.
Once in a while one of the silliest
Of our sycophantic group threw a fit.
Most of the time we stuck to our goal;
Some girl went nuts we’d ignore her.
For some mad reason all we thought
Was to please the man in the fedora.


I never heard anyone talk of him
And mention his accent or race.
In fact nobody seemed to be able
To remember aspects of his face.
And he never seemed to walk away
He just faded back into the flora.
He was like a will-of-the-wisp;
A Flying Dutchman in a fedora.