I have a small ***, but it's nice.
I'm not your average beauty but a lot of people think I'm pretty. Including my mom, but she'd never tell me that.
My teeth aren't as white as I wish they'd be, but they're still pretty. They're not as straight as I'd like them to be, but my smile is still beautiful.
My ***** aren't as full as I'd like to see, but they're pretty and plump and perky.
I like both men and women, God, women are beautiful, and my relatives are completely against that. I've met my father only once, but it was a grande time and I can cross that off my bucket list.
I'm a contradictory being, because I'm headstrong and confident, but as anxious and self conscious as can be.
I've got a lot to say to the world, but never know how to say it. I'm complicated. I complicate simple things, and over think it all. I'm cold and distant and warm and affectionate, and I'm hard to reach but not because I'm busy; because I rarely have the energy to try to keep up a proper or good enough conversation. I care too much and I shut down. People, even family, hear from me only once in a while, because on those days I am seering with energy and confidence, and most importantly, a lack of concern of if what I'm saying is right, or funny, or good enough. The best way to reach me is to ask for my help, but once I'm done I recede back into the background, where I'm safest. Safest, but most unhappy and unfulfilled. The spotlight is where I belong and it terrifies me because I am not good at being vulnerable and exposed, but I am teaching myself because they will eat me alive if I can't stand against the wolves. You will hear my voice some day, and you'll know it. It will be me. The shy, confident, unimpressive, but ever imposing girl we all saw a few times but never took much notice of. Until I'm ready. Then you won't be able to look away.

i hear them whisper it
whispering like a death-wish
as an insult, hard hit
right in my ears
they don't even know
they mean me

some places i'm illegal
some places i'm free
shame me for love
that's what they do
they hate me for lust
and their gods hate me too

I need no explanation for why your kiss is on my lips.
Let's pretend that it's for him.
Let's say it's all in fun.
Your words can't change my feelings.
There is no trouble here.
If it's for him I'll see it
But it feels like it's for me.
And I can close my eyes for days and feel you on my cheek.
And I can rest my eyes for weeks and feel you next to me.
Whatever be the reason that you found your lips on mine.
I'll take it in with laughter
And then I'll drink it down.
It'll build up deep inside me and you'll never find it here.
Because while our lips are making small talk in the space between our cheeks
Your eyes may wander towards him
But I'm nursing my addiction to your second-hand love
And it's never going to end
And I don't care.

They love us for our madness and they view it all as play.
And as long as you all see it
Then it's not some form of secret.
And I don't have to speak of it with shame.
I kissed you. And you kissed me.
I kissed you and I loved it.
And nothing needs to come in to ever take me from it.
Unhealthy or unstable frankly I don't give a ****.
I need this in me right now and your smile washes it down.
With every single moment I keep it in my mind
And remember when I'm writing all those times that I was special.
Bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.
And every passing moment.
I'm drunk on all these memories.
They feed on my addiction and I will kindly let them.
I'm coming out and I don't give a **** for who will judge me.
I love him and I love you and nobody can stop me.
So kiss my lips just one more time and let this all sink in.
Please come a little closer let me try.
Give me equal reign of the situation.
And I'll pull your pretty eyes away from his.
And he'll start to question why you cannot see him.
And you'll start to question why you're wanting more.
And when you come right back around to see me.
I'll kiss you like you've never been kissed before.
Watch me.

If you are reading this, I apologize.
I didn't want you to discover me in this way.
I didn't want you to discover me at all.

I thought that I could go on lying to myself,
To continue with this facade,
But I just can't do it anymore.

And I don't know how to 'come out'
In the way that I should
And I'm not even sure if I want to.

But if you're reading this
Then I suppose you already know.
I am who I am, and I can't change that.

I fell in love with a girl.
That's all there is to it.
Nothing fancy.
I just
Fell in love.

How is it that a sin
That is worthy of death
Can be something
That some cannot
Control.

Granted,
I may not have come out of my mother
Telling her that
I like
Boys
And
Girls.
But that doesn't mean it's not true now.

How was I to know
That after 19 years
Of waiting for a man
To sweep me off my feet,
I would catch her eye
And feel something new.

Something that I had felt before
But different.
Like when I hold his hand
Or when he kissed my cheek
Just how she holds my gaze
And makes my knees go weak.

You can't just tell me to stop.
No matter how many times you say it's wrong.
I've read that Bible through and through
From Genesis to Isaiah to the book of Matthew.
I was raised in the church
And in a Christian school
So don't you tell me what I know
To be "true."
Because I can't help this.

It's like when you stop a wildfire from spreading.
You may have extinguished its flame
But that doesn't mean it didn't burn.
And if you find it humorous
To judge a fire
For not just burning the grass,
But also the trees,
Then how equally ridiculous is it
For you to judge me
For not just loving the birds,
But also the bees.

The wildfire
Didn't set out to ****
It was simply doing
What it felt was right.
And you can extinguish it,
Yeah you can put it out.
But that doesn't change the fact
That it happened.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love her.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love him
Too.

She took my hand
And called me baby.
And from that moment on
I no longer knew
Who I was.

A stranger to myself,
Needing to look in the mirror
To remember what I
Look like.

She brushed my brow
With her fingers
As my head was in her lap.
She called me beautiful
And I believed her.
Because she simply
Cannot be
Wrong.

She changed me
And then she left me,
To introduce myself
To this new person
That has taken up the space
Inside of the skin
That I vacated the moment
She called me
Baby.

"Why don't you come home more often?"
"Why don't you bring that nice boy of yours over anymore?"
"Why don't we get to meet this friend that you talk about so much?"

You ask
So many
Questions.

And I just shut down
And you just get mad
Because I have nothing to say
That will please you.

Why don't I come home more often?
Because this place no longer feels like home.
Home is where you are accepted
Not judged.
Home is where you are safe
Not targeted.
Home is where you feel loved
And I don't feel loved here
Anymore.

Why do I no longer bring my boyfriend around?
Because he can smell plastic people
From a mile away
And he turned into a greyhound
The moment he caught wind of your *******.
He isn't as courteous as I am
And I envy him greatly for that.
He won't paint his skin to match your plastic shine
Just to be called one of your own.
I wish I could do the same.

Why don't you get to meet my friend?
Because I'm in love with her.
And my bisexuality is the only thing I have left
That you cannot
Judge
Or
Taint
Or
****.
You can be as homophobic as you want about my friend
Because he likes boys
And you can change the channel
When you see two girls kiss
But you can't see what's right in front of your face.
You created the very thing
You despise.
So I won't bring her over
Because my kiss is still on her lips
And my boyfriend holds my hand
Through it all
Because he knows
That I need this.

You made three perfect children.
All married.
One grandchild
One on the way.
Two girls and one boy
Living out your dreams.
A scientist and a nurse and an aspiring policeman.

But don't you forget
That you also made me.
Your little
Outgoing
Antisocial
Loving
Bitter
Bisexual
Baby.
The youngest of four.
The "oops" of the litter.
You made me.
But that doesn't mean you
Own me.
And that doesn't mean you
Define me.
And that doesn't mean you
Need to accept me.
Because I don't need your acceptance.
I don't need you at all.

So
"I won't be back home for awhile."
"Alright. We love you."
"If only."