Crazy to see
How many wish to die
Just to know
How many will miss them or cry

I do not need death
To show me if I'm needed
I disappear for a night
And my conscience is defeated

Funny what time can do
Bury us down
Pull us up
To make us feel lost and found

Been told I'm weak
Left after coming too close
Once or twice
Or maybe a hundred times

How is it that I'm still standing here?
All naked so you would see
The scars that won't heal
Someone that's just not me..

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!

                                Big, Biggest Love,

                                               Jeff Gaines

"Why?" I ask to myself
When I saw you kissing beside the shelf
I wanted to cry
But all I can do I a deep sigh
How can you do this to me?
But I cover my eyes so you won't see
All my pains
And hatred that I gain
I found my self in my room
Cryin like no tomorrow
Grips tight in my heart like a foam
A more cuts to follow
A didn't expect his betrayal
And I want to **** him like a fly
I'll surely move on
So I can be a ***** to shown

I love your animosity
The way you hold your amnesty
Higher than your sanity

But at the same time
You don't know you hurt people
But I guess you've never felt anything yourself.

I loved your generosity
Until I found out it was publicity
Oh,
The audacity!

Your sins are reckless
But I suppose family is timeless
I still love you..
Though you've made me heartless.

I didn't make it.
I'm not good enough.
They don't want me.
As the others crossed the bridge,
The ones I struggled on this journey with,
I fell into a dark pit below.
I screamed for them,
but they couldn't hear me.
I flailed in the darkness,
But they couldn't see me.

However.

I could hear THEM.
Faint voices from above.
'She's gone. Leave her. She failed.'
So much for brothers
Sisters
Family.
So much for 'I'll never leave you behind'
They left me in the void.
An eternal torture.
I have cried
Screamed
Choked on my own disgust.
But none of that is going to bring me back
From this hell.

Looking back trying to rekindle my childhood, my memories seem to be scattered;
  Maybe God has erased most them, and left only the ones that mattered.
  Trying to sort through the ones that still remain;
  I find myself saddened and my heart filled with so much pain.
  As a little girl growing up I felt so alone;
  The lifestyle that surrounded me I wish I would have never known.
  I long for the one thing that every child needs and should never have to do with out.;
  The love and the nurturing from my mother I know nothing about.
  The absence of her emotions haunt me day by day;
  Although I'm grown with two children of my own I still long to feel her acceptance and her love this I asked for the Lord to touch her every time I pray.
  She will never know nor even care the way I hurt and  feel inside;
  She will never see The Emptiness for the life that I was deprived.
  Is it that I was so obsessed with her approval and the need for her attention;
  That I myself have neglected the needs of my own children I dare not admit or venture to mention.
  I pray that the Lord grant me the ability to give them the attention and affection that I was never shown.
  I chose some paths I knew better than to choose;
  I made my own mistakes never taking into consideration what it was that I was about to lose;
  Now that I've lost them or regretfully chose to walk away;
  My life has become a living hell needless to say.
  Never did I want my children to grow up in the same environment that I had to;
  I want so much more for them and I will do everything I need to do.
  I have faith that my life with help  from the Lord will turn around and I will have my babies back where they belong.
  Living without them has taught me so much, I  hope one day they can give me forgive me and give me the chance to do what's right for all I have done wrong.

you've overstayed your welcome, you've extended the deadline to a date i don't see myself living to, you've stopped paying rent.

you're a nuisance.

you lied to me, betrayed me, hurt me, and expected me to remain the loyal little sidekick.

you're the villain.

when i finally stood up for myself, you shot me down, ordered my execution center stage.

you're the devil.