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Grand Piano Jan 14
Hi there old friend
Would you believe me if I say that first line brought the tears?
It’s been a while since I’ve checked in with you
Finally doing it made me realize why
This wasn’t supposed to be a sad one
I was supposed to say
Hi there old friend, I see you’re finally doing good
But instead my hand stalled over the paper and I thought, I see we’re pretending again
I see you were starting to believe your own lie
I won’t say you’re not doing better
But you’re not as good as you thought you were and that’s ok
You’ll be ok
Just an unexpected self check in
Grand Piano Jan 2021
I hate looking at myself with no clothes on
I want to have *** but most of the time I tear apart my body and talk myself out of it
I even hate letting my spouse see me naked
I wish I could remember my childhood
I hate the things I do remember
I don’t know why I always cry
I want to save every one because no one saved me
I’m a people pleaser because I don’t think I’m enough
Sometimes I cry because I don’t want to go to sleep
The nightmares never stay away for long
I need everyone to love me and have a good opinion of me
I don’t want to die
Some days I just don’t want to exist
Sometimes it’s hard to remember who I really am
I’m so used being who I think everyone wants me to be
Most days I hate myself
I wonder how anyone else could not hate me to
I resent the kids at school that bullied me
I resent the family that were just as bad as the kids at school
I resent not having a safe space to grow up
I gave parts of myself away that I shouldn’t have because I felt wanted
Grand Piano Dec 2020
I haven’t been truly “fine” in a long time
I’ve mastered the art of smiling
And crying when no ones around
But the mask I so carefully crafted is slowly chipping away
I’m starting to stumble over the steps in this play I put on everyday
Maybe it’s time to let the world see what happens when the curtains close and the performance ends
This piece kinda goes with my other one called Steps
Grand Piano Oct 2020
Talking the people I love off of the ledge is what keeps me from jumping over
I know that if I leave I might be the reason someone finally decides to take that final step
Thinking about the pain I would cause by not being here makes my pain just a little more bearable
Grand Piano Aug 2020
Today is one of those days where it’s just harder to pretend
Ive played this role a million times over
But today  I’m just having a hard time keeping my smile in place
I’m trying but every time I pull myself out of this muck
I sink right back down to where I started
That twinkle in my eyes just keeps fading away
Maybe just this once I’ll let myself really feel
So I wrote this a while ago and saw it in my notes but as I was reading it I thought of a few small revisions. The original is posted as “Bathroom Stall Thoughts”
Grand Piano May 2020
Today is one of those days where it’s just harder to pretend.
Ive played this role a million times over
But today  I’m just having a hard time keeping my smile in place
I’m trying but every time I pull myself out of the water
I sink right back down to where I started
I wrote this when in the bathroom stall at work yesterday. Today I’m aiming for a good day. The water hasn’t risen yet.
Grand Piano Feb 2020
What do I do if my pain causes them pain?
Do I spare them?
Or does misery demand company?
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