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jersey Feb 2020
Have you ever almost drowned?

When I was a 4” 6 year old, I tried to go in the 5” side of the pool. Mind you, I couldn't swim. I held on to the side of the pool until I decided it'd be best to push myself away from the edge.
I immediately began drowning.
It was terrifying at first. I quickly started flailing my arms, trying to get myself back to the edge. Why did it seem so far away all of a sudden?
My lungs gasped for air but were met with water, not exactly the next best thing. Let me tell you, breathing in water hurts like a b*tch.
At some point, it stopped hurting though. I don't know if I was close to unconsciousness or if I just accepted my fate for a couple of seconds but after that burning feeling, I felt a moment of bliss.
That was until I touched the bottom of the pool with my feet and my survival instincts kicked in as I pushed myself up to the surface and back to the edge.

I never forgot that feeling of breathing in water.

In class yesterday, I went to answer a question but I couldn't.
My best friend and I got in a fight and I couldn't find it in me to defend myself.
My dog whines and begs for me to do something with him. Anything but sit there.
These moments seem random but they all have one thing in common.
Every single moment was a time when I felt that feeling of breathing water when there was no water in sight. Each time, worse than the last. Each time, the floor is farther and farther away.

Have you ever almost drowned?
It happens to me every single day.
sans screens Oct 2018
Talking to you is like talking alone
Talking to you is like speaking

Talking to you is like using headphones
Talking to you feels like pleading

Talking to you makes me feel like a tease
Talking to you makes my brain overthink

Talking to you makes me feel great unease
Talking to you is like a pen without ink

Talking to you is like twilight on Sundays
Talking to you is like I’m no-one on Fridays

Talking to you is like I’m never being heard
Talking to you is almost entirely absurd

Talking to you overall makes me sad
Talking to you is what I want but don’t have
sans screens Mar 2018
My boyfriend asked me what did I want to eat

It is not funny and I’m not trying to make a relatable meme

For me, deciding whether I’d like ice cream or cake is a task I sort of fear

Anxiety is not nice to you when you need to decide where to go to get dinner.

You see, I need to evaluate certain specific particular things

Such as the distance to the place in kilometres or feet
I might feel like drinking tea but isn’t the weather too hot? I don’t know you tell me,
I prefer if you chose, but wait should I keep it low on calories?
The price is okay for you? I don’t know how much that burger exactly costs.
Maybe we should go somewhere we know, or should we try something new?

Wether is showering in the morning or at night,
Wether is choosing what words to use in WhatsApp,
Wether is having breakfast or skipping to lunch,
Wether is drinking on a week day or spending the night,

Anxiety is not nice to you when you need to decide how to live the small things in your day to day life.
fm Feb 2018
there is an insistent pressure on
my back as i take
one step,
then two,
then three.
then for as long as i can
remember it is my thighs that
give away, it is not the
breathless touch of a hesitant
lover but it is the teeth
marks from left over
bottle caps at the foot of the
bed in my room.
then it is my toes,
they flex and dance
and sometimes they whisper
on the blinding white
tiles on my bathroom floor

it is 4am
and i am awake.
i haven’t slept in a week and i am tired
my hands will be full
of callouses,

with wrinkles,
like ripples
in time.

The skin
will flake and dry,
and I
will give thanks
as I sleep.

I don't know my ideal future, but I hope it will be judged by these simplest of variables.
Phil May 2016
If ending life was the flick of a switch
If it had no pain, if it wasn't a *****
My life would be over, my life would be done
My life would be finished, forever gone
I'm killing myself, with the thoughts that run through
I'm forgetting who I am, no matter the path I choose
I love my life, nothing is wrong
Welcome to anxiety, its a different planet we live on
aniket nikhade Oct 2015
Here or there,
somewhere along in the way of it's thinking,
somewhere at the back of mind,
the mind knows there is always a curiosity.

An anxiousness to know more
A curious mind stays restless,
then an extra bit of effort is made to know more in detail about all that is happening.

Here or there,
somewhere along in the way of it's thinking,
somewhere at the back of mind,
the mind knows there is always an influence of something in life.

Particularly something in particular
This influence can also be found in the line of action that needs to be taken
Quite necessarily when the line of action is taken, then the role of influence can prominently be seen.

Here or there,
somewhere along in the way of it's thinking,
somewhere at the back of mind,
the mind knows a few things are always going to remain in store.

Some among these few things include the following,
bonding, mutual trust, understanding and also forgiveness.

Bonding comes naturally.
As we grow, we also realize the importance of bonding along with time.
Trust comes after experiencing odds and difficulties in life.
Forgiveness is for those, who believe that things can change for better,
if trust and faith are put together.

Here or there,
somewhere along in the way of it's thinking,
somewhere at the back of mind,
the mind knows there is always a hope for a better tomorrow.

When the everyday news is filled with bloodshed, violence and killings,
somewhere at the back of mind, the mind knows,
tomorrow will be better,
definitely much better than all what is going on as of now in the present.

So never give up in life
Work towards what you have set up as your goal,
while doing so always hope for a better tomorrow.
Kayden Fittini Mar 2015
Leave me to my melancholia, will I ever make it.
The only saving grace is no longer lit.
Tonight will be impossible to survive.
The moments we've shared will help revive.
The elements were against me for so many nights.
It's however this night we meet.
Butterflies are leading a large fleet.
With ultimate sacrifices made before each start.
Can you imagine a goodbye after I depart.
It's a brighter picture that fulfills my heart.
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