Your lips move as though they are going hundreds of miles per second-
As though they’re on fire,
the driver is dead and the only way to stop is to crash in a ball of flames
I can’t tear my eyes away,
I watch,
morbid curiosity making me waver-
My mind is swimming,
hands shaking,
my breathing stopped-
Time has stopped.
Your words are suspended in midair
Their arcs aiming for my ears but they miss entirely
Instead, they crash against my face,
forehead,
eyes,
nose,
until I am buried in debris,
In your words and their meanings and I can’t dig my way out.

tickticktick

I'm sorry that I’m not quick to understand
Pardon my pauses,
my fidgeting,
my wide eyes
Pardon the way I twist at my bracelets when your words almost immediately blur as soon as they leave the confines of your cheeks
I scratch at my face because the record needle of my brain can’t find a pre-recorded song to match your pace
So it scratches across the wrinkled pink surfaces instead
And nothing but a stutter and incoherent sentences are played and I’m left to fend for myself
Against your nonstop talking at me because this stopped being a conversation a long time ago

tick.tick.tick

Call me surprised when you say that you understand
That I must delicately balance my medications on the tip of my tongue with ideations that get out of hand
In order to get out of bed the next morning because sometimes it's hard to rise from the grave when the dirt above me is each minuscule thought
That has accumulated over the course of the nightmare that lives in the tension in my shoulders.

tick. tick. tick.

I am alive, but without sleep, I am a lie
With whispers and rumors dancing with my worries across the ballroom that is my mind
Worn shoes scraping up the floors,
rude guests pushing my own thoughts off to become wallflowers
And I dance with a single mutter in a black mask that asks how you’re doing.
It asks if you really love me
as it guides me through a waltz
It asks if you’re lying
as it lets go of my hand to lead me through a spin
I don’t answer a single question as the song’s long, drawn-out metronomic beat continues to reverberate in my head because


tick

No matter how many times I ask

tick

No matter how many times I crash

tick

You’ll be there.

I’m giving
You a night call,
To tell you
How I feel.

I’m living
At a slow crawl,
Who
Has the shot to ****?

Arms crossed defence,
Haunted
Head
Of dreams.

Standing on the fence:
Faded,
Lead,
Poison-lean.

Blighted youth,
Hidden truth,
Failure to jump…

Cant jump:
Autism,
Pride problem,
No- progress.

Can’t initiate
Relationships:
Doesn’t mean
-Can’t- feel.

Does not mean
I don’t
Need
The same.

Fighting mouth breathers,
At a distance,
Who can tell?

Infected by venom,
Crippled, narcissistic
Venom.

Veins are black,
Self made
Transfusion;
Empathy stack.

Barrier.
A language
I don’t understand,
Barrier.

Never have
Comprehended,
It feels
like…

Everyone knows something
I can’t handle,
Can’t see…

Like I miss
A sense,
Everyone else-
Proficient with.

Like everyone else:
Knows
A secret
That I don’t.

What’s worse:
Is when
I pretend
To know

Everyone
Around
Acts like
I know-

But I don’t,
I never had,
Had your
Super powers…

I pretend
To read
Minds
Too…

I mimic
The language,
The body language:
Eye movement…

Eye brow shift,
Wide open arms,
Pupil dilation,

Shoulders diminished:
Insecurity.
Eye contact…

I can manipulate
These rules
For
My effect.

So I know
Other people
Can do
The same.

Most likely-
Do
All
The time

So how?
Can I trust
A single
Person…

Or what they say
With their eyes,
Maybe I should trust
The words…

ha

"You can join our group," he says,
"But only if you look everyone in the eyes."
I freeze.
Surely he is aware by now that the words
Autism Spectrum Disorder
In my chart were not placed there for fun?
Surely he is aware by now that finger twitching, body rocking,
     gaze avoiding
Are not for my frivolous pleasure?
Surely he is aware by now the absurdity of what he asks?
I am autistic.
Burning irritation of the eyes and panic aside,
Staring creepily into another human's eyeballs
Would render group a waste of time, no possibility to listen.
He knows this.
It is his prejudice that keeps him rooted to the spot.
I can feel the weight of his expectations boring into my forehead.
Explaining what it is to ask this of me,
I remind him that drawing this line would be excluding me because
Of my autism.
I tell him he would be losing a valuable participant,
A deep thinker, a creator, an avid listener.
I tell him he would be discriminating,
That I am protected by law.
Oh, no.
He budges not,
For he does not dislike autistic humans
So long as they act like they are Neurotypical,
So long as I pretend to be
Someone I am not.

I have a fire in my heart. When I was a child, I was handed a bucket of water. “Pour it.” they told me. I knew what this meant. “No” I said. And I was overpowered, and it was sudden, and no part of me was left dry. They taught me to extinguish myself, and today I still grab the bucket, and when I bring it to my hot, fiery heart, my eyes still widen.

As i look
At the mountain
I
Notice
The
Full moon
Raising from the east
I wish I was just as beautiful
But this scene
Before me show that everything
Is beautiful
In their own
Way
Lika a fingerprint.

Have
You
Ever
Felt
Like
You
were
from
Another
Planet
And
Normal
P­eople
Are going
To
Autopsy you

This i remember
Of the grade 8
The teacher did trivia
Games
I got the answer wrong
The kids called me ******
We are smarter than you
What is with the torture
I just wanted to be a forensic pathologist
I up
Leave
See mfers.
And never come back.

As DMX said
The bullsh*t the drama
The racists
These things so
Angry and hatefull
Makes me want to spit, swirl my baodings
And say
"Stupid society"
I need no seal
Of approvel
I am me

Social introverts and a shy extroverts.
Dyslectics grading better in spelling.
Deaf children who know more words.
People with anxiety better at selling.

Kids with ADHD who are more calm.
Autistics who can relate better.
Paralysed people able to feel their palm.
A blind person ready to read every letter.

Who could guess their equality.
Could you imagine, you can't tell 'em appart?
Who could even think of such a society.
Just look at this, humanity's piece of art!

Who could imagine I'm one of ''them''.
One alike you and the rest of this place.
For we all are a different kind of gem.
All shining in our own simple grace.

If there's a ''them'' and there's an ''us''.
But none can tell one from another.
Is there a ''them'' at all, thus.
Then why a ''them'', it's only a bother.

They had rushed to find me, suspecting,
But they couldn’t be sure
No more than I.
For though my purpose was clear, I was thwarted on every turn
First by my legs, which failed me
Then by others, flocking to the same place but a different end
And finally, 10 meters from my objective
My mind gave up.

And so I wandered, entranced and enraptured,
From exit to entrance and exit again.
Around me sounds blurred
To a grey rushing river —
I saw little
Only my feet as on I trod
To some ineffable finality.
Who can say?

For the next hour found me sat
A rock in an ocean of people
Drawing glances and glares
From the sympathetic and busy,
My eyes fixed onwards
Seeing nothing, and my body
Exhausted, frozen, dead.

There they found me, my guardians, my stewards
My poor beloved
I could not even thank them when they did.
Tears streaming down the face of one,
And fear streaming down the other
They took me, and held my broken person
And whisked me to safety.
I could not thank them.
I could not tell them what happened
Nor why
I loved them, and every atom of me
Ached to tell them so
And yet
It would not come.

Still I sat, gaze unyielding
Body unmoving
As my saviours, now themselves
Safe, erupted.