With shaking hands and burning eyes I pour the last of the dark red wine into my glass.
I sit crossed legged on the floor in the middle of my empty living room contemplating what comes next.

I can get up and make dinner and maybe watch a movie like a normal person would.
Or I could continue to sit here facing the little bit of light coming through the window before the sun goes down.

I can't figure out why anyone would ever want someone like me... I guess it's a good thing no one actually does.
I can't figure out how anyone could tolerate someone like me... I guess it's a good thing no one does.

My hands shake with each sip I take and I'm pretty sure this is what they call a panic attack. My breathing begins to speed as my eyes water and I'm feeling nothing but numb and pain which doesn't make any sense.

They keep telling me I'll be okay.
They keep telling me I won't be alone forever.
But I'm terrified of being alone these days which is something new.
I'm terrified nothing will ever work out.

So until I get over my fears I'll be on my living room floor with empty bottles of wine alone.

Love is some
peoples favorite
four letter word
and the Topic
of a major poets mind
but
love can be
guilt,
happiness,
and dread,
it can make you feel powerful
but even worthless.
when you lose it,
its a feeling you cant describe
with mere words
let alone a get well card
And when you
love someone
REALLY love someone
with all of your being
and when that's lost
You feel the whole world
weighing down on you
maybe you find another
eventually
but you're scared
scared that you'll butcher it
and wind up some
Play-thing
that is tossed away
when they find
a shiny new toy
but I'm not her toy,
Maybe I was to Brooke,
But Brenna is different.
She has so much love
in her heart
she tries more than anything
just to hear my voice
she takes care of me
I don't feel like a pawn
Or a second choice
to her I come first
Her love is real
Not that Brooke's wasn't
But Brenna's doesn't
cause me pain
or panic attacks
She is a rush of everything
she makes me calm....

I can't stop moving
I'm restless but weak
I can't stop

I can't feel my legs
Or my fingers
I can't breathe

I can't see straight
My head is whirling
My stomach is empty

But I can't eat
I can't move
And I cant stop moving

I'm screaming
But also I can't speak
I'm gasping

Because again; I can't breathe
And I can't think
And I can't function
And I can't be good

And also I can't
Live
This way
I can't

Live

I won't travel to the city
There is nothing for me there
I won't travel to the city
Not even on a dare
I won't travel to the city
I'm fine right where I am
I won't travel to the city
And I don't give a ****

Years have passed
I won't forget
Where I stood that fateful day
I was shopping
In the city
God Bless The USA

I won't get on an airplane
I'm much safer on the ground
I won't go back to the city
And I won't forget the sound
I've driven on the turnpike
And I just turned around
I won't go back to the city
I watched them tumble down

Each time I try to leave here
the taste of concrete dust
fills my throat with acid
and jet fuel fumes and rust
I won't go to the city
And though it may seem strange
I was there when horror happened
With a cop...and now I'm changed

Years have passed
I won't forget
Where I stood that fateful day
I was shopping
In the city
God Bless The USA

When did I get this way?
Was it my first lapse in judgement?
Was it the first time I was so terrified of going to school
I had a panic attack?
Was it the first time I pulled?
Was it on any of the numerous nights I broke down
alone and afraid of who I was?
When did I get this way?
It scares me to know I've been this way forever.

I am not the only one
Who when my back is turned,
Envisions monsters
With daggers in their hands
And a pool of blood on the floor
I am not the only one
Who sits in constant fear
That my name is being
Hacked up and spat
out of people's s mouths
I am not the only one
Who is a million pound barbell ****** upon my neighbors shoulders
Breaking them down
Day by day.
I am not the only one
I am not the only one
I am not the only one.

Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I move more than I speak.

It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's that I forgot how to make noise.

I'm sorry I'm moving your desk so much, my legs won't stop shaking
and when my legs don't shake, my fingers don't stop moving.

I know I'm talking really fast, but I hope you understand me because I can't slow down.

It's not that I'm in a rush, it's that I have no control over my hands and legs and I'm always jittery.

And I placed bricks on my legs to try to control the shaking, but it didn't work.

And somehow they made their way to my chest, and now my chest feels compressed and I can't breathe.

I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to talk. It's that I get this way when I'm around people.

I feel like if I were to place my trembling hands on the floor, I could start an earthquake.

And if I do, know that the cracks forming in the ground are cracks that have already lived inside of me for years.

There's nothing wrong with me, I swear.

But if I walk away from a crowded space, please don't follow me.
I need to breathe.

If I ask you not to touch me, please don't take it personally.

What most people consider a soothing back rub, I cringe to.

If I tell you to please stop talking, understand it's because my ears hurt from the persistent pulsating in my head and I only want a moment of silence.

If you ask me if I'm okay and I do not respond, it's because I physically cannot form the words.

But the answer, the answer is no. I am not okay.

I will be, though

At the edge
I was too close
now when I see the endless fall
I close my eyes
and strain to breathe

On the packed street
I was all alone
now when people surround me
I shake
and strain to breathe

In the car , sitting behind the wheel
the world started to spin- I had to switch seats
now when I try to drive
the tears drip
and I strain to breathe

Locked in my room
I wonder
why I try to breathe at all
when thoughts- dark and deep
persuade me

*I'm worth nothing at all