My dear, lovely, wonderful boy
It's okay to have trouble trusting
It's not something that happens in a day,
or even a week or a year
Everyone progresses at different speeds
And with everything you've been through
It makes sense that it's gonna take you a while

Just know that love doesn't always equal trust
It doesn't invalidate your feelings because you're having trouble with this
Your love is not less real for it
In fact, in several ways, it's more real than simple infatuation

I love you.
And when it seems like the world is closing up around you,
and you need something, anything to cling to that reminds you that you're going to be okay, come to me
I will hold you tight and promise that I love you, and it's gonna be okay.
We'll make it through together.

what people don't and will never understand is
when your chest tightens and you find it hard to breathe
and it hits you like a breaking wave:
the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness; but the wave
was devoid of water or any physical composition.
still, somehow, water, from your eyes, drips out like a broken tap -
your cheeks are too numb to feel it.
no alarm, no signal, no call to tell you that
the roller coaster's carriage is on its way,
to warn you that it is about to pick you up,
playing you like a child who just learnt to throw paper aeroplanes.
binge - bruise - cut - bruise - binge - cut
numb to any sensation and devoid of feeling

the roller coaster comes to an end eventually.
yet the guilt of the aftermath stays -
but there is, a temporary moment of solace in the waiting -
until it comes again.

I feel the walls of my mentality breaking down. The defense mechanism has failed. My weakness has been found.

Bombs bombard my frontal lobes. How much time do I have left? That's a question nobody knows.

But the army of stress wages through. Setting fire and killing cells,
torturing them as the army continues to move.

My head throbs with pain, my legs join my arms in what feels like an earthquake; Heart pounds with tremendous force, my body is on a crash course.

The room becomes an amusement park ride. While different moods pass me by. Day after day the symptoms increase. Today may be the day when I accept defeat.

Socializing has become a thing of the past, all I have is panic attacks. Happiness has finally been lost. Without a map, and at what cost?

Control center has been compromised. Here I am, I have met my demise.

One of my favorite quotes is;

"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. 

So collapse. 
Crumble.
 This is not your destruction. 

This is your birth." - n.i.

I used to think that my mental illnesses were all there was to me. I was just made of panic attacks, and anxiety, and terrible flashbacks.

They trampled my mind, consuming me until I couldn't breathe. The anxiety was the person who was going to break into my house while I'm sleeping if I'm not facing the window. The panic attacks are the cars that will crash into my mom while she's out if "I love you" isn't the last thing I say to her before she leaves. The flashbacks are the tears that stream down my face at night when my thoughts cannot be controlled.

Most of the time I can't get a handle on my moods, but I still manage on with the day. Sometimes I'm too afraid to step out of my house, but I still do because I have school. At times I think that I have until the end of the day, and that's when it's all over. I will take every last pill that's supposed to help me. But I don't. I walk past the cabinet. I take four pills in the morning and five at night.

I'm terrified that everyone will leave me- almost everyone has. But that is something that is still with me. I'm not over that yet, I'm not sure I ever will be, but I'm fighting. I try to push those thoughts out if my head.

Right now, I'm still that nebula who's in the middle of collapsing. But one day, I know I'll be that star. I will be reborn into the girl I'm supposed to be. The girl I will be. Because one day, I will light up the sky.

Yes, somedays the sun will shine brighter than I do, but I will continue to be a sparkle in the sky.

I pound on the glass,
that is suddenly separating us,
it stays solid, unmoving,
I am screaming,
but my words reach no ears,
the fear, is in the air,
it’s all around me,
suffocating me,
you say,
there's nothing wrong,
you are right here,
but the glass,
it’s encasing me,
help help,
I am yelling,
but still you do not hear,
your face is twisted,
worried,
I can’t reach you,
I can’t tell you,
this feeling of,
utter,
panic