Aug 2014
what people don't and will never understand is
when your chest tightens and you find it hard to breathe
and it hits you like a breaking wave:
the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness; but the wave
was devoid of water or any physical composition.
still, somehow, water, from your eyes, drips out like a broken tap -
your cheeks are too numb to feel it.
no alarm, no signal, no call to tell you that
the roller coaster's carriage is on its way,
to warn you that it is about to pick you up,
playing you like a child who just learnt to throw paper aeroplanes.
binge - bruise - cut - bruise - binge - cut
numb to any sensation and devoid of feeling
the roller coaster comes to an end eventually.
yet the guilt of the aftermath stays -
but there is, a temporary moment of solace in the waiting -
until it comes again.
when your chest tightens and you find it hard to breathe
and it hits you like a breaking wave:
the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness; but the wave
was devoid of water or any physical composition.
still, somehow, water, from your eyes, drips out like a broken tap -
your cheeks are too numb to feel it.
no alarm, no signal, no call to tell you that
the roller coaster's carriage is on its way,
to warn you that it is about to pick you up,
playing you like a child who just learnt to throw paper aeroplanes.
binge - bruise - cut - bruise - binge - cut
numb to any sensation and devoid of feeling
the roller coaster comes to an end eventually.
yet the guilt of the aftermath stays -
but there is, a temporary moment of solace in the waiting -
until it comes again.
The other night, I was experienced a really bad panic attack and this is a result of the aftermath. For the past few months, I have been plagued by sporadic panic attacks and trying to talk to people about it never worked out as they didn't truly understand what it meant and entailed. Hence, I turned to words to try to express what it felt like.
If anything, this poem is more of a personal documentation of what I feel as I'm going through an attack. These panic attacks place you on the line between consciousness and its antithesis; bordering between losing your mind and preserving your self-control.
I hope that these words may resonate with whoever reads them and even if they don't; that they may open the eyes of those who may never have heard of panic attacks before, or know someone who gets them. Empathy goes a long way.
If anything, this poem is more of a personal documentation of what I feel as I'm going through an attack. These panic attacks place you on the line between consciousness and its antithesis; bordering between losing your mind and preserving your self-control.
I hope that these words may resonate with whoever reads them and even if they don't; that they may open the eyes of those who may never have heard of panic attacks before, or know someone who gets them. Empathy goes a long way.
