Winter; late 2014/ early 2015

"I need to know that you'll be able to stop me if I can't stop myself.
I don't know if I would be able to stop myself."

In the woods by the baseball diamond,
you took my hand.
The setting sun was glowing through the trees,
and a fresh blanket of snow gently covered the ground.
Your green eyes shined in the speckled sunlight,
contrasting against your dark hair and pale skin.
You stepped towards me.
You started to kiss me.
You started to take it further.

"Hey, stop. I'm not ready, please stop."

I pushed you away;
I tried to, at least.

"I don't want to stop. YOU have to stop me."

After I asked you to stop a few more times,
without any signs that you were going to listen,
I finally slapped you.
I slapped you across the face, hard,
and I just looked at you.

"Well, now I know that you can stop me if you need to."

You had said it like it was amusing to you.
I was scared.
But I loved you, so I forgave you.
I stood there, in my blue fleece jacket, freezing,
frozen, scared,
telling you that I loved you and that I forgave you,
when I didn't even fully realize what could have just happened.

I walked home.
Oblivious.

His touch clings to me
like spider webs
a tickling irritation.

When I’m stressed -
I wake up -
Fighting him off.
My body remembering his careful violence.

My mind branding over new lovers
with his fingerprints.

Want to mutilate my brain
shed this skin who recalls him
so easily.

No unconscious memories
of other touches
from anyone but him.

I will never forgive or forget.
Condition away this conditioned response.

When will I be free?
Of a man who doesn’t remember me.
--
I see his features in other men.
That gorgeous corn silk blond hair,
the strong, masculine jaw
even the cuteness of his ears.

Somehow that tugs at my heartstrings
The twinging pain disgusts  me.
How can I still feel this way?

I want to puke up this venom.
The vitriol burning my mouth.
Exorcise the malicious spirit
that wails in my ear
when I see

YOU.

Or someone who almost looks like you.

My teeth sunk deep in anger.
You foolish, reckless girl - how could you let this happen?
How could you let him do this to you?

How can I forgive myself?
I don’t know how to.
My forgiveness will never be hinged to him.
He will never earn it.

I want to forgive myself.
My naivety, my hope, my lust.
I went in search of affection and base needs of physical touch
Repulsed by his violating me.

Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone
let me go, let me go, let me go.

I’m sorry to me for what I didn’t know would happen.
I’m sorry to me that I still blame myself for my violation.
I’m sorry to me how this trauma has burned me so deeply.
How I wish the salve of time and journaling would heal me completely.

I’m sorry to me that I still can’t quite let go.
How he still follows me around - at least metaphorically.
I want my forgiveness.

waiting patiently for my resurrection
as flames lick wildly at my flesh
someone once said to me, solemnly,
"through the fire we're born again,"
only in a baptism of holy white serpents,
can i cleanse my skin of your hands

it was my turn i suppose
to be broken down to my atoms,
shattered like cosmic debris in the sickening dark,
as it had once been waylie's or even poor valerie's,
bitten too ravenously to be veiled as love,
too hot to be satiated with your ice cold gun

your threats terrify me because i know your mind
but do you know i'll go down fighting?
an endless barrage of ominous phone calls
or tailing from strange cars
will never break my resilience nor
will the fear of blowback from foreign men

i can still taste the liquor and feel the cold on my skin
from the river by downtown, filled with bodies and vile sins
i can feel you biting my ******* and choking me with your-
you haunt my nightmares, ravaging my thighs
black bruises and torn skin - proof that i'm not dreaming
dreams you killed us both wake me up screaming

you were the final straw, the match
as my world went up in flames
but i will bloom again from the ashes
i am stronger than they all say

In the event of a hostile assault,
storming a castle or surrender
of the garrison.
2. If you are going to be captured
(as hostage), first and foremost
stay calm. A cold assessment of the situation
will help to plan your actions
more clearly. Resist -
use interior items,
available weapons,
elements of beauty care
or desperation.
Remember: your goal is to not stay alive.
Do not question the free will
of (you and) people who favor you.
3. Hide (only) to convey
the message or to strike
the best shot. If found -
act aggressively,
make unexpected sharp movements,
do not spare your words -
try to personally insult
someone of the attackers.
It will change your position;
death is likely to be faster and more decisive.
4. Noisy screams attract attention
and make you a priority target.
5. Don’t trust men if they say
treacherous things. Do not be afraid to oppose them -
endanger yourself hastily.
Last. It may happen that you will not have
time to read the prayer at all or in
full. Therefore, those who need to be convinced
of the virtue of the immortal soul,
should have to take the habit to
daily, at a comfortable time,
confess before God.

Drawn up by
Voivode Stanko Yursha
Castellan Simon Chortoriysky

I lost myself at age 7.
I crawled into bed and then disappeared.
my childhood behind me—
erased.
set on fire.
all it took was one touch for it all to burn down.
no more trust.
no more love.
no more innocence.
gone.

I am a broken bird
I cannot fly, I only peep
And hope that another will lift me up and away.

I am a broken bird.
I cannot fly, he's heard my peep
But another has lifted me up and away.

I am a broken bird.
I cannot fly, I only cry
He staggers into clouds and falters with my weight

I am a broken bird.
I cannot sing, I shall not peep
I peck until he lets me fall

I am a broken bird.
I cannot swim, I shall not fly
I will sink into this ocean I have fallen in

I am a broken bird.
I cannot swim, I shall not try
I will drown in my volition where I have been left

She may have ground my bones to dust
But I took back the dust and built new bones.

Every cell in my body
From the tip of my tongue to my eyelashes to the bones in my hips
Every cell in my body burns when I think of her

I am not pure.
I threw it away
So I could choose where it landed.
I wasn't safe in my skin
I thought it could happen again
I didn't believe that I could get away
Escape, for real.
I thought her presence was permanent
And in a way, I was right.
But not in the way that I feared.