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emi Feb 2020
I struggle to click the keys, watching the cursor blink. Everything in me feels heavy. I feel you crawling around inside my bones. I've asked you to leave hundreds of times. But you stay in my head and ignore my wishes. You ruined another good day. I feel myself trying to reject you from my thoughts, but the more I try the more I think about it. I feel myself tense. I feel my body grow tired. I don't wanna fight. I don't wanna think. I don't want it. I don't want you. I find it kind of ironic that it's been a decade and we still play that game- where you don't know. You don't know about that one day. I'm stuck here picking up the pieces you dropped since then. *******. I wish you knew how much pain you cause. You were supposed to hug all my pain away, but this pain you created can't be tamed.
yet another letter to my brother
emi Feb 2020
i beg for air,
and you still wont let me go.
  Feb 2020 emi
the sink is full of my blood and spit
it coalesces and swells into the drain and down into a network of rusted pipes
never to be seen again
its so odd
i release bits of myself into the void
and it's never registered to me before
the organic matter that composites my body, my self
is always in various forms returning to the atmosphere
whether it be my skin cells flaking away from my fingertips
or my blood and spit
disappearing down into a metal case dug deep into the earth
i am constantly becoming apart of everything
but it doesn't scare me
i actually find it rather inviting
just thinkin. lol
  Feb 2020 emi
it's been awhile since i drifted backwards
when you manifest again, like you always do
i feel your calloused fingers stretching, like spider legs
dangling in the back of my throat

my therapist said that it was a form of conditioning.

in 7th grade, we learned about oral ***.
sometimes, a man would fit himself into a girl's mouth
filling her and filling her and only stopping
when he was satisfied
the teacher stopped teaching in the middle of the lesson, eyes shining with apathy
"why are you crying?"
everyone looked at me.
everyone always looks.

you pulled my hair so roughly
i was only a little kid
i was only a little kid

i didn't even gag.
you tasted like cigarettes.
i wish i could go back to therapy.
emi Feb 2020
and she could have been a flower if her petals hadn't been plucked.
but she will bloom once again someday.
emi Feb 2020
You planted a knife in me,
ten inches deep
almost a decade ago.

and I can't get it out.

you can only push it deeper.
and you still do,
without trying.
emi Feb 2020
I don't blame you; the truth hurts.
Silence must have been better than admitting your son was really a monster.
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