Don't know why I said
We were good after fighting
When I knew we weren't

"Quibbling over the minutiae of form
Is indicative of failure to grasp the spirit"
Or so my grandpa always warned
So if you're here to argue, I don't want to hear it

If our debates are merely petty
If our disagreements are trite
Let's work to keep our egos steady
And not just simply fight to be right

I don’t make arguments
Out of nothing
I make nothing
Out of what should have been an argument

I want to scream.

no,
I need to scream.

Because crying can only get you so far
in the destruction of yourself
that after a couple hours,
it seems pointless.

I want to put a blade to my thighs
and cut.
I want to find a bottle
and drink.
I want to buy a gun
and point the barrel to the roof of my stupid mouth

and pull the trigger.

Some may call me impulsive,
some may call me an attention seeker
- as many I know have -
but I'm really just desperate.
That's all.
I'm just desperate for a release from the hell that I've created
that is spiralling way out of my control,
and has been for ten years of my short life.

I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow.
I really wouldn't.
Because I know that if I did,
my family would have one less thing to cry over at dinner time.

And, yes,
I know that they would cry at first,
but then they'd move on with their lives,
onto things that actually make them happy;

My mum could get home from work and not have to deal with my mood swings, making her cry.
And my sister would be able to focus on her talents without the burden of her little sister there, constantly holding her back and messing her up.
And my dad, would be able to stop pretending to be OK when I shut down his attempts at making me smile, which makes him depressed.

I can see what I'm doing,
and I want to scream.

I need to scream,
because if I don't,

I don't know how to stop this hell.

I'm *******,
in absolute tears
and wishing that I could take it back.
I want to just curl up
and blast music into my eardrums,
but I don't have my earphones
because they're in the same room as you.
And I cant just go in there,
pick them up and leave,
and I can't just listen to music without them;
it seems almost disrespectful
to do anything but
sit in my pitch-black room.
In silence.
That is what people will expect of me,
and I can't break the silence.
Even the sound of the buttons on my keyboard
are too loud that I'm scared someone will hear
and hate me even more than they do now.

God,
I'm such an idiot.

Why do I always do this?
people are just trying to be nice,
friendly, supportive.
They're my parents for ****'s sake!
why cant I manage to get out a sentence
that doesn't make my mother leave the kitchen table
so that she doesn't have to cry in front of her daughters?
That doesn't stop me from knowing though.
And all the while I spit venom from my mouth,
I think to myself;
you *******, you *******, you ******* *******,
look what you did.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
Why can't I just accept that I'm bad for everyone I love
and just cut to the chase
and **** myself
before anyone else gets hurt?

I don't want to
talk to you two,
or be around you
when you're with him,
or tell you
I am afraid.

Your potent opinions
seep into each other's
and make loud noises
that ring in my ears
like a stone-cold
thunderstorm.

You care, you don't.
You're strict, you're not.
You yell quietly, you loudly speak.
Stop doing this to me,
I can't handle any more of it.

Remembering the time so many years ago
Aunts and Uncles, and their children all drove for miles,
For this I ask myself , as the dinner table amused me
like the
Movement of a Merry go round
Round one round two
Could we carve the **** bird before round three
Not a chance first sisters vs sisters the circus life amusing not so as our holiday cheer. It's never enough joined their husbands like freaks a muse  from a mime show couldn't rain so clear. At last the children joined in a rustle a bustle round and round we go
Can someone stop this ride I scream this family is a joke
Next year I'm begging you to miss the turn to this circus mochary get your kids and don't forget the dog see your way to the door
Aw the circus life is a freak show Everytime our family gets together
Don't send an invitation nor will I just remember in order to ride this ride you must be so tall take a seat , keep your hands and your feet inside the ride at all times because if your family is your foa distinguished such as mine hold on tight it's gonna be a ride to remember oh one hell of a ride