I held my stomach tight for u in middle  of the night
tears carefully reconsidered.
I tried to reclaim my heart time and time
I only got sicker
I only got lonelier .

Memories,  on constant projection
Film strip after film strip
this foggy play, music smooth like honey, and her silhouette.
when all comes down to it
i was the silver dollar u used to play the games


Unhanded from any bodies  hands
Remove me from your embrace,
Let me dance while you linger away ...

I'll find you, and cherish
you in another time.

In another life.
In another dimension.
In another soul and in another heart.

I'll look out to you in another pair of eyes,
Hold you in another pair of hands,
Speak to you in another lips,
in another voice, in another tone.
And be with you in another chance.

And in this another, I'll make
sure that I'll make you stay.
I'll make sure we'll have another day.
and we'll have no more lies to say.
And we won't have to keep
our wonders at bay.

I'll find you, until finding isn't necessary anymore. Because chance itself gave me another piece of it to not let another you, to be taken away by another.

There will always be another us,
another you, another me;
But there will never be another love.
Or at least the kind of love that we have.
That we had.

This day is yours, it belongs to you,
Do anything that you desire to do.
Watch your favorite shows, eat your favorite food,
Do anything that puts you in a good mood.

Your friends are here to celebrate too,
This day is yours, it belongs to you.
You’ve been working too hard, you need a break,
Sit down and have another piece of cake.

Open the presents your friends have bought,
You can see they’ve given this plenty of thought.
This day is yours, it belongs to you,
So spend it joyfully with your favorite crew.

Just here to wish you Happy Birthday,
That’s really all we have to say.
And may your dreams all come true,
This day is yours, it belongs to you.

03-15-16.

never again will I look into your eyes like they are the ocean.
you're not the ******* ocean.
you were never mysterious and charming
seashells pressed against my ear only muffled the words you said, what sounded like the soothing whisper of the ocean waves, were really the tides crashing violently onto the shore.
I lay now on this beach, I wait for a storm to follow me to my spot here on the sand, but I am left dry.
I see the water steady, and you are so far gone past the horizon, that when the sun sets, your silhouette is all that appears.
perspective sets in,
and I remember how you were a poisonous creature captivating me with every lethal injection the power of your words compelled.
I remember I'm alone.
I know that it's okay.
because you are not the ocean,
you are only one of its inhabitants,
and there are so many more creatures worth diving in for,
there are so many reasons to swim deeper.

chalk outlines where I lay in the center of yet another linoleum tiled floor
brown eyes never looked so wild
& I was always told never to care for a wild thing
but you are captivating
and damaging
you take masochistic pleasure in watching me swim in this ocean of doubt you made for me
confusion sweeps me up in her arms and carries me up into the clouds, my vision blurs more so now, the fog creeps in on this island.
canopy beds snap at the sound of exotic birds buzzing in the background;
background, can't you just act like the island is deserted?
can't you just imagine their voices are further away?
we walked on soft seaweed but stepped on sea urchins along the way, and you couldn't heal both of us.
you can't always heal both of us.
sometimes the tide comes up to the palm trees and sometimes it only goes so far that we have to walk to it, meet in the middle
but all that matters is that there is still an ocean right?
would you even care if there wasn't?
would you still be doubting my every word, as if it was nothing more than the sound of sea breeze?

navigating the linoleum tile barefoot and gripping the floor to feel the sand in my toes; the sand you told me would be here.
the fluorescent lights didn't warm me like the sun that tanned your skin but rather emphasized the lack of life I radiate.
I feel the ocean waves of paperwork flood my spot here on the beach where I sit next to you. I watch you tackle and surf each wave with breeze while I drown in the tides.
my fear overcompensates me and I stay on the edge of the beach while you swim in a deep blue abyss light years away from me.
the sharks ride under your board but you dodge their bite, the bite that keeps me from stepping out into the ocean.
and from miles away, I see the sun set over the ocean you've made your home, and from  my place on the shore, I can see the waves calm down for this moment. this moment where I no longer long to be a fish in your oceanic tank, but rather the salty sea breeze that lingers in the air even after the waves have fallen.

She had no reason and I wasn't going to ask.
Her  body left as her thoughts I was removed from long ago.

The rides that we viewed from the pier the sunrise and passed drinks I was a phantom a shadow of the man who gave all to the page and nothing to her.

No magic holds more true than the waves crashing endless into the fading darkness shore .

I had stood long before and I would stand long after .
They all leave you empty as when you first met.

This was far from my last .
The page held more than a shallow hearts departure .

There's no regret in goodbye .
Just a change if scenery.
A bottle in the sand and my thoughts to themself

She left the room.
And left me together thinking I'd be torn apart.

But my thoughts are all that has ever been the whole of me .

And the silence played endless in perfection with the crashing tide.

Your passion remains where they leave just the same.

My eyes unlatch and hollow bones come to life
Gravity presses me under
Carving my own space into this world
I wish it were that easy
I wish i could understand why a hellish sphere of flames drives people to insanity
Makes my skin glow, riveting down my spine to the intangible corners of my morality
Back to an eternal loneliness, just me and my silhouette
All my worries in harmony with reality
Lost at mind and found in thoughts
And forgotten in a grassy paradise where the only touch is thoughts left by others
buried and grown nipping at my legs
Yet this a serendipity  
A serendipity to have something holding me back
Tearing the skin off my pale hands
Tangling my chances until they find me
Maybe another day

She’s hot and wet when she greets me in the morning,
I know of no better way to wake up.
And when I need her she is always there,
She fills my loving cup.

It is an affair that has been going on for years,
And she will continue to comfort when I’m old.
When I am down she perks me up,
She warms me when I am cold.

Dark and bold she comes to me,
More beautiful than any sunrise.
Like a gypsy with her magic charms,
She has the power to open tired eyes.

Though some folks may criticize her,
Pointing out her mother’s a Columbian nut.
And yes, those South Americans are a bit hot-blooded,
But I just smile and say “So what?”

For coffee and I are partners in life,
From her I will never stray.
And should anyone try to get between us,
They will surely rue the day.

10-01-15.

Here I feel the tears
Making their way
Racing their way
Marking the scars forever.

Here I think I hear
The sweet lullabies
Settling on my eyes
Drowning me in darkness.

Here I think I smell the sadness
Making way for me
Taking away from me
My joys.

But still I think
The spark's still there
It begs to reignite
Its pledge to take up a fight
And we will be the
Few of the ones
Who survived...
Another night.