Dear 2020,
   When I write to you I now have to keep in mind that it isn't only strangers reading my letters. It's Ian, too.
   So, from now on, being honest will probably be harder than it used to be. And I may not write as much as I used to.
  I got some poetry today, carefully sneaking out of the library a book of collected poems by Sylvia Plath, although my mother doesn't want me to read them (she killed herself when she was around thirty).
   And I got some reading glasses because my some of my numerous medications make my eyesight worse.
   So it sounds like I coping well with my condition, and life is going on as it always should have. But it's not.
   I still have those thoughts, I still tye nooses around my neck and I still feel like I'm crawling across rock bottom. And most of all, I hate myself. I don't feel worthy of any love or attention, and it hurts my heart when someone says they love me, although of course, I want people to love me. It's just that although I want them to, I don't feel deserving of it when they do.
   And my allergies are getting worse. I now can't eat apples, peaches, watermelon, blueberries, or bananas. I don't eat meat either, and I'm thinking of cutting out sweet things from my diet because I'm unhappy with my appearance, as usual. So in the end, is it worth eating anything anyways?
   Part of me wants to die and be forgotten forever as if I were never here. The other part is terrified by this thought and wants to be remembered as someone to tried and failed, not tried and gave up. Both parts want to die. But, I should keep positive, right? Maybe then my life won't **** as much as usual.

I wish I could just cut everyone out of my life with a snap so that no one would have to bother to attend my funeral when I die and pretend to be sad.


                                             Love always,
                                                                   Hollin

Mirror mirror on the wall
Tunnel vision on the flaws
In the scale of things it’s unimportant
So no talking but it’s still an intrusive thought

Tried hard to correct it
But nothing was effective
No-one else seemed so obsessed with it, things were desperate
Until the voice crept in

I can help you, trust me, you’re ready

It seemed dangerous
But it said to have faith in it

The secret is to just be empty

Didn’t know if it was wise to listen
But what could it hurt to try?

P1:
And at first it was working
But then things were emerging
Cracked lips and Tired eyes
I’m hungry with no appetite

I’m shivering and shaking, and I tell myself it’s fine, but
You can’t fool your body, you can only fool your mind, yuh

Empty
I just need to be empty
Hide from anybody who’ll prevent me
Just fill up on water and shame
No, I’m not hungry, I just ate

I’ve developed a taste for this
Endure the neverending ache
Convince myself I’m in control and it’s not
All that voice that makes me sick

C:
Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
I’m looking but I can’t see myself

Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
But it’s so hard to stop it alone

V2:
Been getting even worse
All the days begin to merge
Just a blurry haze and now it’s
Almost second nature to ignore the urges

Can’t trust my own nature
Every calorie a failure
Gotta push the intake down every day
‘Cause the voice comes back to say

You want to eat?   Bite your tongue

Don’t want to stay an embarrassment
just have to stomach it

They don't know what you want
A tug of war against common sense
don’t wanna believe that I’ve overstepped

P2:
But it’s so overwhelming
And I hope no-one can tell
‘Cause the numbers keep decreasing
This ordeal is becoming routine, check

Arms back neck thighs **** it in and Pinch my sides
The scales are betraying me, the mirror is a lie, yeah

Numbers
It all comes down to numbers
I know it’s wrong but
Just because you know you’re colorblind
doesn’t mean you can see the colors

Fine, I admit I’m addicted
But the hunger feels good, how do I quit this
I know I could die, I’ve seen the statistics
But the voice is with me through thick and thin

Bridge:
I can reach out
To someone not like me
If you ask for help it doesn’t make you weak

I can reach out
ignore what the voice tells me
I can help my mind learn to trust my body
*Credit to JaidenAnimations & Boyinaband

I am sorry i made you watch
whilst i slowly disappeared
abusing the body
you spent 9 months carefully constructing
starving it of nutrients
becoming nothing but
hollowed out bones and translucent skin

I am sorry that i made you watch
whilst i slowly killed myself

I will not miss the way you made me feel
how my bones constantly ached, struggling to keep me upright
how exhaustion seeped from my pores
each day more of a struggle than the last
The cold penetrating through layers of clothes and thin flesh
unable to experience the warmth

I will not forget
how confusion constantly clouded my mind
experiencing the world through a thick fog
my thoughts intrusive and incessant
capable of only focusing on a singular concept

you extinguished the life in my eyes
stripping me of my identity
purging my substance
leaving only a hollow shell
unrecognisable
empty

Beauty, why do you evade her?
Why will you not let her grasp you?
She searches for you daily.
Meals become foreign during her quest.

Why will you not let her grasp you?
She searches the mirror but only sees a mistake.
Meals become foreign during her quest.
The map on her body is not a treasure map to her.

She searches the mirror but only sees a mistake.
Numbers are more than a math problem to her.
The map on her body is not a treasure map to her.
Beauty, why must you hide from her?

Numbers are more than a math problem to her.
Her best friend is the floor of her shower.
Beauty, why must you hide from her?
Why will you not show her you were always there?

Her best friend is the floor of her shower.
The water washes all the broken parts away.
Why will you not show her you were always there?
She doesn’t need water to fix what’s never been broken.

i hate so much hating myself
my skin
my arms
my waist
my legs
and all my body
'cause I'm a living, breathing creature
who can walk and talk and think and feel
my body works perfectly
and it has done so much
just to keep me alive.
my body loves me,
so why can't I love it back?

i hate how no matter how we're born
we are taught to despise
every bit of ourselves.

i hate how we learn to hate food
while so many are starving
for real reasons.

i hate this tortuous looks in the mirror
and this never ending cycle.

i hate how we try so hard to
make our outside look pretty
while we empty our insides.

i hate how our society
damages young girls and boy's brains.
i hate how they'll never feel whole
and proud of themselves.

i hate how socially acceptable it is
to do whatever it costs to lose weight
and i hate how we applaud
when people do.

i hate how we think it's okay
to comment in other people's appearance
as if it was meant for us
to define what they should look like.

i hate how hypocrites we are
talking about how wrong all this is
but reproducing this all the time.

i hate how no one actually cares
until it's too late.
and i hate how we're all broken,
pretending to be okay.

"You have to eat"

But no, I don't

I've already proved,

That I can survive

without food, without sleep,

living simply on negative emotion

trying to be worth it while

destroying with a worthless body in the process.

So don't say,

that I have to eat

Dear 2020,
"You have to eat." This is probably the stupidest thing Mrs. Ashley has ever said. Does she think simply telling me to eat will fix things? That won't change my mind in the long run.

I crave to go home. I feel, say, "safe".  I want good food, I want my parents, I want anime. I want my room, and more then anything I want Machaela.

I think... Maybe... Do I love her? I think I do. Afterall, I went through all this mostly for her. I simply can't wait to see her again. I could overcome everything for her.