It was a long day of hating myself for eating
It was a day filled with crying, trying to throw up
Haunched over the toilet after the smoothie
After dinner
After the countless snacks, I had
Each time retreating to the bathroom
Tired of being empty but afraid of being full
When you caught me getting into the french fries
It was going to be my last snack I swear
My stomach was grumbling and just needed something I swear
I was going to dispose of it as soon as I finished
I took as little as I could so you wouldn't notice
I was craving it and craving it
I put them on my plate so many times today just to empty them back into the bag
And sigh and cry because I gained the last pound back from the big gulps of cold water I downed
Makes me wonder if I should have thrown that up too
I didn't want you to know because I was embarrassed
I shouldn't be eating like that
So much
Wasting so much
But I can't stop being hungry
And no matter how hard I try
I can't seem to not hate myself after I do it
I'm sorry I'm trying to fix it
I just don't know how to stop
I'm trying to not eat so I don't waste anything
But it's hard when you're hungry
And you're mouth waters
You just wonder when normal will be enough
When 1,000 calories won't feel like poison coming in and going out
When you're greedy eyes won't take too much, your stomach can't hold
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I don't know if my trying is enough
But I just can't stop hating myself
Today is hard
I think I threw up my anti-depressant too

i found stretch marks on my body the other day
i started slapping at them as tears ran down my face.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
but now all i can think about is what men will think of the red streaks on my hips and legs
how i wont be pretty anymore
ugly.
so effing ugly.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
they're natural, but i wouldnt have gotten them if i didnt gain a drastic amount
i cant see past them.
i weighed myself again, too.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
theres more coming
i see more everyday
i cant wear bikinis anymore
i cant have *** anymore
i want to rip off my skin.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"

his smile:
as tight as his belt
her lips:
as red as her throat

and it makes them more noticed,
but no less alone

my ribs look like fingers pressing against fine silk
I should not be okay with this
I should not be okay with this
I should not be okay with this

Reflections
by Michael R. Burch

I am her mirror.
I say she is kind,
lovely, breathtaking.
She screams that I’m blind.

I show her her beauty,
her brilliance and compassion.
She refuses to believe me,
for that’s the latest fashion.

She storms and she rages;
she dissolves into tears
while envious Angels
are, by God, her only Peers.

Keywords/Tags: reflection, mirror, image, anorexia, bulimia, cutting, reflections, self-image, self-worth, self-criticism, self-shaming, mrbref

Talk less
Do more
I'm obsessed
To the core
I detest
The skin I'm in
Then love
Didn't begin
?

The constant dizziness were my new friend on the way up there,
I had to make a pause every each few steps.
I had to keep my hand on the wall to keep the balance, to not fall down and to be able to keep up.

Too weak,
Too fragile
and
Too hungry,
to go up

But that's okay,
less of body
makes me safe,
less of fat,
makes me proud,
cause you all want to look alike,
cause you all would want to be that tough
to get used to being hungry all the time,
to all day long and all night long
feel exceptional,
in control,
and if the hunger is the price,
that's okay,

I can starve.