there's this feeling in my stomach
  not like the sickness you feel when you have a stomach ache
or the butterflies of nervousness
  maybe this isn't in my stomach at all
it's like a bunch of deer running in a field
  but not gracefully
they're running from prey
  it feels as if my chest tightens as my stomach sinks
it's a mixture of anxiousness and worry

Hand-painted ceramic turtles
camouflage in flower beds.
I discern their faces
at a distance.

Blind-sided kaleidoscope-
work fatigue
versus
the first breath of morning
in the heart of April.
I am awake,
half-alert,
inertia bleating in my bones
where is the steady drum of mercy
where is the heart inside my home?

White blossoms fall
like Disney snow
cans of Stella at my feet.
Cardboard boxes  
damp and listless blow
across the lawn
and the silent street.

Amitriptyline
softens the edges.
A chemical reaction
that can never be
the Solution.

Spring is bleeding into colour
before my eyes.
I want to break the skin,
taste something sweet-

too scared that my timing
is not right.

Unstable and weak
Crying and blaming
My heart is heavy
My eyes filled with tears
My mind is scrambled
My mental illness consuming me
Accusing, abandoning, leaving
I can't think straight
My heart hurts from crying
I lost everyone I could
Pushed them away because I was unsure of myself
Now I have no one, no one to save me
Love doesn't even care for me
Hurt and alone
Want to die
Why did I do this to myself?
Can I really blame my mental illness?
Or is it really me who just caused this?

All I have left is my mental illness
No support, no love just me, myself, and I
Wish I could just **** myself but I'm too cowardly
And no one would ever want to help me because I push people away when things get scary
What to do now, have no clue
Guess I have to suffer now
There's no cure I'm stuck with this for life
It's my only ride or die now
No one will save me

c.m.l.

To fall asleep tonight I'm thinking of last night's
dreams and tomorrow's nightmares all at once
like re-runs of the same television show aired years ago
by another person in another body, and I wonder
if they felt the distinct absence
of everything... a pain that has no source, but that can pierce
every nerve in my entire body until I'm screaming louder
than the ambulance's siren. At night we are all passengers
waiting for the sunrise's journey. And tonight I will think about
how the nurses feel when their patient dies
before they arrive at the hospital,
if they feel the pain that exploded from the victim's last breath,
if their ribcages feel just as hallow
as the ambulance itself is without anyone to rescue.
I flip on the television in my eyes, and suddenly
all I see is static.