I count my I love you’s in the stars I see in the night sky
In my hometown on a clear winter night
Not in the city
You’ve only heard the bright ones, the ones that light up the sky, the ones that people have names for, that they build stories around
(It’s a shame that they’re all just stories now)
But I like the soft ones, dimmer but no less beautiful
The I love you’s you can hear on the breeze as you wrap your arm around me when we’re hiking
(It makes it hard to walk but I don’t push away too fast)
The I love you’s that were shot across dining rooms full of people
(I’m sure I had it written all over my face)
The I love you’s in white wine close to grape juice
(Even though I know that’s not what you prefer)
The I love you’s in every almost we could’ve had, the ones I never got the chance to say that I whisper to myself still
(In the shower, on my walks home, as I fall asleep)
Count them
I know you see them too
I love you

“Stay.”

She wasn’t able to give any response. She remained silent and he started to move his hand to hold hers while the other one was holding the steering wheel.

“Stay, will you?”

She smiled widely as she let out a soft giggle. All he did was asking her to stay but it was pain that she felt. That was the only thing he asked and she did not think he’d understand a thing.

                                                       I can’t.

“Don’t go anywhere, stay.”

He did not understand anything. His hand stayed there, holding hers tight. She looked away as she slowly took a deep breath. That night, she knew exactly the meaning of ‘temporary’.

                 I can’t. With your hand on mine, like this, I can’t.

“Please stay. Because with you, it is enough. This is enough.”

This is enough. You are enough. She could’ve said yes to that but she hated the idea of hurting someone else, and no matter how much she wanted to stay, no matter how much she cared for him, she knew it wasn’t right.
                                                 But I have to go.

                                         Because I am temporary,

                                       and she is your permanent.

I hibernated for almost 4 days
Stressed to a breakdown
Reminders of what people want
Money lost
What a taunt
Defeat and anger
you wish to show your weakness
Curling into a ball
Dreams flow
Of what you want and miss in your life
You feel as if you lost
the battle of succeeding in your life
Bleeding from the cuts of debt and your artistic words remaining uncounted
Hemorrhaging  to the almost death of your talents was your cost
You try to resurrect your skills and expression to the world
these "bloodsucker" leaches hit you once, again
The fight that's left inside of you
is all that's left to keep this life source from dying out
Now, I'll give back to you what you gave
I refuse to let my love of expression be buried in any grave.

After seconds of cranium rehearsal,
I think I know how I will say what I want,
Until it happens far from how I planned to say it.
****, it sounded so much better in my head.

You told me to kiss you, and I almost did.

It was almost like love,
Almost like your hand fits in my hand perfectly can I call you mine?
No.
It was almost like you’re the one I can phone at 3 a.m,
When the thoughts are bad and the darkness is thick
And I am drowning.
It was almost like drowning
Because your eyes
Are blue like waves that won’t stop breaking over my
Head, they leave my lungs unable to fill with anything that is not
Salt water which is what your skin tastes like.
It was almost like midnight making love and memories
Under stars that were too far away and you;
You are too far away. Too far gone. Too far
Too far from me.
It was almost like love
Almost like unearthly bond
Almost like you are one reality and I am another
But we do not mix so it is always only
Almost
And that’s what hurts the most.

Today
I ran into the cute boy
at work who I’ve seen.
I was getting that
morning hot chocolate
leaving the kitchen
and I thought to myself
this is how the fanfiction
I wrote starts
By bumping into someone
leaving a coffee shop
And then it really happened
Leaving the doorway
the cute boy at work I’ve seen
came around the corner
We both said
Oh sorry
And I got to hear his voice
I barely even looked up
but I knew it was the one
who’s desk I walk by
when I take the long way
back to mine
When I walked away
I wanted to go back in
to see the boy who almost
made a fanfiction be real
But I put my hand
over my mouth
and kept going
in order to not ruin the moment
of the almost.