I am conscious this time of year is hard
Heart is broken and badly scarred
Joy scarce
Only regret found
Negative thoughts in head spin around
Heavenly sensations sought in vain
Where there was possibility there is now only pain
Swallow mistakes but stick in your throat
Suffocating without antidote
Minutes slip by struggling to breathe air
Poetry is to make you aware
Hiding confrontation will never succeed
This a reminder that life you do need
Ghosts are real walking amongst the living
Dream of getting rather than giving
Who battle demons lying in bed
Propaganda spread throughout their own head
Excuses readily kept at hand
When things do not work out as planned
Drinking despair like alcohol
Until problems seem so small
Under dissection truth discovered
Full well knowing the damage not covered
Give explanation flimsy and weak
In the daylight may as well not speak
Called out on ******* you shift your gaze
At silence I am always amazed
After our history still stare at the sky
Ashamed to tell me the reason why
Honesty makes you seem naked and scared
Vulnerability contained you refuse to share
Manipulation and blame tactics you use
Tools implemented to deceive and abuse
I once was unsuspecting and naive
Dangerous games taught not to believe
But deep down I decide it's because you've been hurt
Past is why you treat others like dirt
Passing heartache painstakingly along
The agony remains
Increasingly strong

I don't know what wrong have I done
To deserve so much pain
Always, have I been kind
Yet, have I lost a few friends
Suffered, have I, a rather painful divorce
My marriage was a total farce
However, not at all was I at fault
Never, did I deserve so much hurt!

I don't know what wrong have I done
To be taken for granted by a woman
Whom I loved a lot
She cared for me not one bit
Though she turned out to be an amazing actress
Who pretended to be in great distress
And milked me for all was I worth
Really, was she the worst!!

I don't know what wrong have I done
To be so rudely cut off by a woman
Who always called me her best friend
Never did I think our long relationship would end
In such a brutal manner
Especially considering was I always good to her
How dare she take advantage of my autism
***** her and her Brahminical egoism!!

I don't know what wrong have I done
To be rejected by almost everyone
On a variety of dating apps
Sometimes I feel I am being treated like a corpse
What qualities do I lack?
Why do some people only look at my mistakes
And not the good things have I done?
Seriously, with India, am I done!!

I don't know what wrong have I done
But I am not going to be taken for granted again
***** all of you, thanks to whom I have suffered
There may be a time when YOU suffer
I will laugh at you then
Truly, never again, am I going to be taken for a ride
Because Jesus is on my side
Amen!!

I’m haunted by the demons that lurk in my mind, they scream foul words my way. From the pits of hell they’ve clawed their way out, I’m left alone to fend myself, yet I grow weary of the hell I’m in, and endless loop, overcome with grief I sink into my own rot. An endless cycle with no hope in sight, distraught is such a pretty word to describe this vicious cycle of self hatred and hurt.

How little light do I see, flickering in and out of existence. I am nothing but a speck of dust on this earthly plane, I grow tired, I am becoming undone.

My tongue is on fire
And stuck am I, in a mire
Dangling like a carrot
And waiting to be devoured
Is some rather delicious food
Unfortunately, I am not in the mood
Because, every time I take a bite
My ******* tongue puts up a humungous fight
Locking me up in a torture chamber
And thus filling me with loads of anger
How dare you do this to me, O darned tongue?
Do you think I am a piece of dung?

My tongue is on fire
And it does not care
How hungry I am
Serious, it gives not a ****
Set before me, is a mouthwatering meal
However, becoming am I, rather dull
As I struggle and struggle
My tongue pulling me into deep trouble
Slowly, do I begin to think
That, desperately do I need a drink
Thus, do I consume an entire bottle of water
However, just as I begin to feel better
That infernal tongue throws tantrum after tantrum
Thus spelling my doom
Predictably, coming to my rescue is a sweet
Dear Diabetes, soon we may meet!

My tongue is on fire
However, beginning am I, to fight
Because, I give up not, so easily
And I DO take the doctor's advice seriously
However, my tongue ends up having the last laugh
Since all those medicines are apparently not enough
To prevent me from being forced
To make a few sacrifices
When it cometh to food
Which again spoils my mood
Moreover, just when the situation seems to be getting back to normal
Dinner turns out to be quite the ordeal
Not for the first time
And definitely not the last
I even wonder if I should fast!!

My tongue is on fire
However, as mentioned before
Never do I give up easily
Dear tongue, for now you may smile nastily
However, soon will the tables be turned
And then YOU are gonna be doomed
Enjoy your time while it lasts
And NO, I will NOT fast
No matter how many tricks you may have up your sleeve
Victory you are not gonna achieve
Never again!!

I fell in the past
while the agony embrace me tightly,
I wail silently, only for the echoes to come back to me,
As nothing fills in here,
Because everything is back to the present days

My heart is an anchor,
Attached to the past
Trapping my mind,
To replay the detestable dreams

I slipped away from the dark,
Only to bring me back in the past,
As I follow the path, it just slips back,
Because everything is back to the present days

Why am I left alone?
When did I realize that I am here alone
When we are supposed to climb out together

I kept on wandering,
Wondering,
If I should swallow the misery,
So I could send my heart to you

Why am I the only one trapped in the past
when the earth keeps on spinning,
Did the time stop or did I?

I designed on a string from my ❤️ to yours
the twists and loops of yesterday
Celtic rings in tactile squares
a monochromatic dream sequence
in patchwork futures of sutured memories

large squares of Bay Bridge yesterdays
smaller ones on seagulls' wings
I'm still working on a future
every stitch in time lost and loved

it smells like me...

a gift to wrap the long and lonely nights in love
where months of me are woven into miles
that tether my ❤️ to yours

I'd hoped to be done by your birthday
it lies unfinished
a bin of fragmented dreams...
...maybe I'll finish by Christmas

just to feel close to the ghost of you