I have become an expert at forcing a smile and going on about my day.
I have become so good at it that sometimes I even fool myself. However, there are days though that it all becomes too much and my smile loses its glimmer.
Days when the world feels like it keeps revolving but I am stuck in this misery that I just cant get out of.
It feels like it is a carousel that keeps spinning faster and faster each time that I try to step off of it.
Everything hurts and I just cant imagine having to pretend smile for one more day.
The pain echos in every muscle and bone in my body.
I can feel it bouncing around like a pin ball.
I'm not able to just wish it away anymore. I have to feel it. I have to let it burn and tear until it becomes just a numbness, but getting to that point is horrendous.
I have to admit it all, reeling in every single emotion that has been suppressed in a fire in my stomach.
It is like allowing the ***** to come creeping up, knowing that you could choke and die on it.
I tried to drown it with alcohol. I tried to cover it up under the sheets of people that I was using just to fill a void. I tried to cut it out of my body, the same way that a hunter fields their ****.
None of the ways that I tried to avoid feeling ever worked.
Now I sit and try to figure out how to just feel everything all at once so that I can just get it over with. Nothing that I have done has been enough to get it all out. I have had to sit in it. I have had to wallow in the pain in order to move forward. I have cussed and cried and prayed and begged but it has never been enough.
Knowing what I have to do is hard for me to comprehend, to purposefully make myself sit and suffer through. I am sure this is what withdraw feels like to a crack addict. Knowing that there is a rainbow at the other end but first you have to go through hell.
