Does it brings peace of mind
to accept
what is happening
within Destiny
in the present-moment?

I may be a mess but that’s ok
I’m just a rough draft
My stanzas may be uneven
My rhyme scheme nonexistent
But I carry the seeds of a masterpiece

These scattered scribblings will someday mature into defined and refined lines
My tiny wriggling tadpoles of thought will grow legs and a voice
They will explore territory they never dreamed existed

This writer’s block will topple off the edge of my desk and fall to the floor with a clatter

My words will burst through the dam,
First in awkward little leaks
But then in strong, steady streams
That leap forward into unfamiliar territory
With a laugh and a gleeful scream

These nattering notes will resolve themselves into chords and phrases
A motif will leap out of the disordered madness
Stumbling steps will lead to confident strides
And the audience will be satisfied

But for now I remain unfinished

I’m sorry I’m so clumsy
Some days it seems like the world is fighting me at every step
And I’m losing the battle
I stumble over every stubborn staircase
I trip over my tongue like an uneven rug
Every new set of walls is a labyrinth I get lost in
Every move I make is disjointed and uncertain
My fingers and feet flail when I’m carrying precious, fragile things
And before I know it I’m sprawled on the floor
Surrounded by shattered fragments
Bruised and aching
Burning with humiliation and frustration

But I’ll try to be careful.
If you will be brave enough to trust me
I will try to keep my steps in line and my path straight
I will try to find the rhythm in the song of my surroundings

I will try to see beyond my limitations
My faults, my failures, my frequent falls
I will try to look up and see the beauty in the world
Instead of staring at my feet in fear
I may trip at times
But I will not be trapped in trepidation

I ask for your patience
I am trying to be patient with myself too
My best is all I can really do
And I will do what I can to be the best for you

What is security?
For I never felt it
in the love of others
and in my own fibers and cells.

When bitterness bites my heart
with anger, resentment, hurt
and a sense of unjust treatment,
what should I do?

Does it soothe my heart
to accept what has happened
as Destiny?

Does it soothe my heart
to strive to discover
what I can do
to improve my situation
to increase my joy and happiness?

“Darling, I know you want someone to care. I know you want someone to love you the days you don’t love yourself; believe in you the days you don’t believe in yourself. I know you don’t want to feel alone, weak and broken. I know you want someone to go out of their way to show they love and care for you even in the subtlest of ways.
But darling, until that person comes in your life, I want you to care about your happiness. I don't want you to let your happiness be dependent on the people who make you taste sadness. I want you to care about yourself when no one does. I want you to do all that you hope one day someone does for you, yourself. I want you to indulge in all what you love. Indulge in all that enriches your mind; brings love to your heart and brings happiness to your soul. I want you to make plans, go out and have fun for yourself. Because, you my dear are the moon and the sun of your world. You deserve happiness and care even when none are willing to give. You don't need a hand to hold, even when the night gets cold because you've got the fire in your soul. The beat of your heart is enough to keep you going. You are always enough to keep yourself happy, cared about and successful.
And even if you ever to meet that person, I always want you to remember to keep loving and caring about yourself.”

- excerpt from an open letter

Can I talk to you
Dad
Please
Don't hate me
Don't leave me
Tears
Spill down cheeks
I fall to my knees
I'm in love with her
Hands softly
Caress my back
It's okay
I'm here
I still love you
You're still my daughter
Relief washes over me
Waves of gratitude
For the gift I've been given
The gift of approval
Approval of my love
My eyes flutter open
Realization hits me
Like a slap in the face
It wasn't real
He wouldn't let me stay
Couldn't tolerate who I am
My love is a sin
And I ask myself
Why
Is the happiest dream
I've ever had
Acceptance?

There is a hole that exists within me,
no pain,
just a sunken hollow.
A constant emptiness
and a feeling of terrible,
terrifying loneliness.

My heart latches onto people,
sometimes even to the ones
who may not know my name.

I can create or feel
love and comfort from them.
I embed them into the figment
of my imagination,
for they are always there to stay.

But once their souls
leave my reality,
the figment starts to fade.

Once the feelings are no longer there
my heart,
my mind
become a sunken empty hole
waiting to be filled once more.

But people,
feelings are so temporary.
For the only fill was self love,
self acceptance,
and connection with god.