in these trying times,

our houses locked and shuttered,

fear is the king.

Japanese frothy ice coffee in the summer
Watching the world continue to burn
As the spaces 'tween the paper disinter
and I continue to reap the ideals i sowed

Growing cold to the bones, lungs ache
As my lips wisp a chilly whisper thin as
Phone wire and defeated but riding still tall
Came way too far to give out like cheap cigars

I had to pretend to be so many different people
To realise why and where exactly i didn't fit in;

Optimism keeps me through til the night,
When morning spreads my chest it slits my heart like a knife
But in my soul I can feel the guiding gaze
Of my grandmother, her memories embedded to remind me of

A constant reason to always want to stay alive.

I've got limited time and truthfully I fear I'll never live it
The way i should be,

But by the end of this season I will wear the welts of
My lessons, I will try better to be

Who I should be

what if this is the last conversation we have ever? what if this is the end of the world ? end of us ? a thought made its way into my mind ,what if we never get to see each other ever again like they say that its the end the actual end ,what would be the words I would want to use asked myself ......brain started framing deleting and putting together sentences ....to the point that it stopped everything around just stopped maybe i am not ready for this , maybe its not the end the procrastinater in me thought ,are we even there?
they say whenever you are at the end everything just goes through in front of your eyes ,the glimpse of your entire life ,it happened but it was just you , wearing that beautiful dress smiling in the purest form
Maybe that is how i want it to be ,that is how i want it to conclude in the purest form with me in complete taciturn just congregating the pulchritude of your smile

i never really thought an almost stranger’s second floor apartment could make me feel at ease

it was a houseful that night but even after almost everyone with a long drive home left
it still felt ***** even though i barely knew anyone who stayed
if it were anywhere else
i would have stayed bottled up all night
and left when they did
even though i live ten minutes away
but something about that place
and the almost stranger who calls it home
made me feel more comfortable than i have since coming to this new place

not even my space feels like that

As she heals.
We heal.
As she breathes.
We breathe.
As her fury decreases
We mend our ways.

I sit inside
Out my window is the moon
The presence that draws me from my most concious worries
Health, safety, fertility, image, curiousity
Why am I the way I am?
It is my experiences that make who I am, logically I know
For there to be a genuine magic, somewhere, I wish
I have a strange glimmer of hope, to bring that sparkle and magic closer to me
To revel in something greater than myself, my existence, my geographic location
Just once
I wait
And I worry
And I worry and wait
I don't think she would be proud of this, the moon,
I think she communicates with me, when I need it, when I believe it
I used to talk to spirits through my window as a child
I believed it was real, simply because I believed
There wasn't any crystal clear truth, I simply felt it
The moon brings me through the same window now
Her craters, and dips, her waning and waxing
How I have so many desires to be with her, so far away
Some nights I try to rise above all of these emotions, but my worries bring me back to Earth
A virus right now is spreading, killing many it encounters
If I believed in the power of God as strongly as I want to, maybe I'd feel some comfort or safety.
I'm open to anything, let that be known
I used to worry about my appearance so much, but I know see my actions will speak louder than my beauty
I am a lover, deep down, I crave it, I've let love absolutely destroy me, I've banked on it, I've thought about it, I've needed it, I've had it, I've lost it, let it go, destroyed it
And I've waited for it
Now, these relationships have a hazy linen over them, I can retrieve them with pictures and heavy introspection, but some part of me doesn't enjoy going back
How do I move forward each day with the thoughts of yesterday with me
And how do I do so without the thoughts of yesterday
I try not to be greedy, I try to give, I try to do what is right, and if I do what is wrong, I learn.
There aren't many mistakes I can make with my existence, I'm curious every day
I love someone around me every day
Romantically, I wish I was allowed to be close to those I want
But for now staying home is what is recommended, what's best
I miss going out, I miss getting tipsy at bars, I miss my skinny girl friends, I miss my best friends Angell and Grace, I miss driving to my dietitian and having two hours alone in my car every week...every other week
I miss seeing my therapist and my favorite teachers, I miss having reasons to create, I miss nannying, my job, and art museums in the city
I miss visiting E+an and his house in the city, I miss not being isolated
And the moon, she reminds me that all of those things aren't so far from me, because somehow she is, and yet she is right outside my bedroom window.
She is covered by clouds, and the dark midnight sky, but she is there, and she speaks a perspective I desperately seek, and I am grateful. And I do not live in fear.

i has a dream i was running
feet pounding on the ground
(left
right
left
right)
breathing just hard enough to be uncomfortable
(in
out
in
out
in
out)
arms hanging low
swinging just enough to help propel me forward

i felt so free
striding down the road and onto the trail
dodging roots and rocks
jumping over fallen trees
soaring down hills
flying across the woods

i felt so free
just the earth and me

the 31st of every month
is meant to give you
one more chance
to cease the moment
and enjoy every breath
before the cycle ends,

the 31st of every month,
is a time to finish your to do-list,
even to start writing one
and to prepare before the
calendar folds its pages again,

the 31st of every month,
is a reminder that you
don't have to stop counting
at 10, 20, or 30,

the 31st of every month,
is a good citizen,
because it gives
more than it takes,

just ask February where its
30th has gone,
and it will tell you
how it retired and
took off with
the 31st.