I'm shaking
I'm starving
I'll tell you everything about me
You'll know nothing

I won't exist
I'll crumble and fall into the abyss

slowly
we're taking it slow
you know nothing
there's nothing to know

my water bottle stinks with the stench of old *****
white stark cold
liquor
smell stench old
liquor
I forgot to shower this morning, so I sit in my own sweat
clench quench drench
bitter

it says hello
like an old friend from lifetimes ago
the embrace is seductive;
it's easy to give in

Go to sleep it says, it'll be all right
It offers peace and sings you a lullaby

it says goodbye
and you begin to cry
this is it's biggest trick;
getting you to mourn it's presence by your side

it creeps back in,
promising never to leave this time.

everybody is pleading and screaming on the outside;
but they do not understand

c'mon, you're not like them;
the thing whispers into your head

there's nothing for you outside this bubble;
your only friend lives inside your head

they beg you to look at the sun,
try and smile they say, c'mon just have some fun
but the appeal of the grey skies will never leave,
for this is the part, all the psychs in the world, fail to see

you see,
happiness is more confusing than depression ever was

&

the problem is,
     you treat it like an enemy,
                                          when to most of us,
                                                                ­            it acts like a friend.

no matter how much i love you,
know I will never truly trust you

               I’m self aware enough to understand
               that even the best would run too

Not a chore to be kind
but you treat it as such
Not hard to be blind
And you have mastered the touch

I've learned sensitivity is not taken kindly
                      but,
                         please tread lightly
                                           As everyday, I bruise with greater certainty

the bedrock of this planet
was not designed for the paranoid

same roof
same house
no need to talk it out
same roof
same house
and you'll never know what i dream about

i hope the sun dies and you can’t see
a world of empty opportunity

Up there in your silver house
I could see St. Peter's foot peaking out of the sky
you were so high

knock on wood every time
if you forget, you'll make them die
say a prayer every night
when you don't, heaven dims its light

dont you dare break the cycle
even if the compulsions feel idle

even if it feels like a chore
dont you dare step on the cracks of the floor

my entire life i've run away from my mind
fearing it's demise could come at any time

as a little girl id kick and scream
trying to run away from my daydreams
every thought i had, bursting at the seams
as i lay in bed ; sleeplessly

but now a funny thing
i find myself embracing how i think

perhaps thats a good thing
maybe, im just deranged
but for once in my life, maybe both are the same thing

Am
 I
   the  
    a b u s e r
     playing
  the
        role    
     of  
    the
        a c c u s e r?

                                                              A­m  I
                                                                ­  the m o n s t e r
                                                               I tell them
                                                               t­o c o n q u e r

or is that what they
want me to believe?

                                                     in order for them
                                            to avoid looking at themselves
                                                   they'd rather make
                                                        me hate myself

perhaps,
it's a bit of both
perhaps,
we are both in dire need of growth

I am not a rock, I am not a flower
I am consumed my kindness, even at my darkest hour
I am not one dimensional and my thoughts are non conventional
I am neither a hero or a saint, but please still deem be acceptable

Because                               
                        ­                     I am human
                     
Let us find beauty in times of evil
Let us find love in moments of hate
Let us love each other though we are different
But let us not separate

Because
                                           I am Human

                                           & so are you

the sun will rise again
and life will have slightly changed

the moon will set again
and life, once again will rearrange

don't let power entice you,
                                             for karma won't forget you.

she told me she knew the truth;
about heaven
and hell

she leaned in, like she had a secret to tell
then lit her cigarette with a scowl

she opened her mouth to speak
and her words sprung a leak

as she tilted her head back to laugh
I heard a collective gasp

what came out of her mouth had scared us all;
she said, there can't be a heaven ;
if we're already in hell

1 drop
         2 drops
                     3 drops
                                   4
how many bodies have to hit the floor?

In an open field somewhere in the east
Where everything seemed at peace.
That feeling was like no other, with my thoughts and nothing else
As I looked down at the white petals I thought I’d lost myself

I started heaving and my vision blurred
I saw only the yellow centres, my perception stirred  
I couldn’t take it anymore
So I walked until the tears started to pour

Until I hit a place where I was alone
Then, I decided for the next few minutes, it would be my home.
I started exploding
The Galaxies in my head began imploding
And soon I was floating

My tears turned to rivers that fed the seeds
Of the yellow centred white leaves.
They grew larger and larger
Until I could feel my mind's departure

Like alice in wonderland falling down the rabbit whole
And all at once I felt whole

I was able to do all the things I felt I’d missed out on ;
I went back to a time when I wasn't so sad
When I hardly ever got mad.
I saw my friends and didn’t have to try so hard
I saw my dad, we were playing in the backyard

I didn’t worry about being anyone else
My grades and my body didn’t need so much help
All of a sudden the love of my life was there too, back when he was chubby and I was still 5 foot 2.

And finally I felt like I could breathe
Like the clock stopped ticking and I didn't have to rush or leave
I no longer felt like every day was wasting away
And no longer wished I could run away
I felt like it could be solved another day.

And my crying didn’t stop for minutes
It was the most uncontrollable feeling, there were no limits

But soon the petals started to shrivel and the yellow centers became brittle
And I knew it was time to go.

That little girl, I'd never get back
I knew it was time to, once again, face a reality of black

Short lived was my travel back into time
But even that minute could be the happiest of my life.
Funny how my saddest moment brought me the most joy
Maybe that’s what it takes for someone broken to enjoy

maybe he's a psychopath
maybe just an artist
maybe he's on a warpath
or maybe he's just heartless

tell me about your twisted side
take me inside your web of lies
soak me in bleach just to prove,
that i would do anything for you
tell me you wish I were dead
then throw dishes at my head

show me how broken you are,
on our first date we'll be comparing scars
show me the names you chose for every star
then we'll fill our lungs with toxic tar
tell me you're close to finding God
but you spend your days high on drugs, for you are flawed

Let me indulge in your bad habits
I'll show you all that my mind inhabits
Confess your desire to jump off the highest towers
And these confessions I will devour

take me into your darkest hour
let's listen to 90's rock while we strum guitar
strung out and on the verge of psychosis
we're both washed out
caught in each other's hypnosis

not sure who's the predator and who's the prey
but i love you more every day
if I'm crazy and you're crazy too
nothing can be real between me and you

so we hold onto the sadness and shouting
knowing without it we'd be drowning
but there's no passion stronger than between us two
and the most lonely peaks have the highest views

our music comes from broken souls
and our love, to our sadness has formed a mold ;
unable to survive or thrive alone.

May 3rd
17
I hope you're not as stupid
I know you are

the sunset has a warm orange hue
and my eyes are stuck to it like glue
i could lie here forever
content in my foolish endeavour  

unable to feel worry
for the first time in forever i feel happy
conscious enough to cry
and sure enough a tear falls from my eye

tipsy is where you'll find me,

looking through the lens of happy

all we did was argue
but still I ******* loved you
we couldn't speak - we screamed
you yelled then I yelled too

we threw dishes instead of saying sorry
but it was always the same story

you were raised rich and passive
i was raised middle class and aggressive

our views will never be the same
but still neither one of us is willing to end this game

                          you hang up the phone with an i love you
                           and as stubborn as i am i know i do too

i like to fantasize about life on the other side
                                                  and hold a gun to my head for fun
i don’t actually want to die
                            but day dreaming is my escape when i have none

I constantly maul over life's fragility
                               and contemplate the soul's infinity

I'm broken hearted at lyrics written by troubled musicians
                                                and am a slave to my own superstitions

I’m in love with the feeling of pure bliss
            The only time and place where I may find complete happiness

Free from all my self loathing and delusions
                       not consumed by my thoughts or irrational conclusions

hand me a pill or a sip of white liquor
                              let my worries and doubts flicker

Though the pain may arise again with the sun
                             in the moonlight, let the toxins in my veins run

call me a cynic
but I'm unsure If I believe in the parting seas
call me a dreamer
but I believe there's more than the eye sees

little girl, please stay young
please stay happy, please stay dumb

maybe i'll never know why i get so low

if you look for me in the dead of night
or call out to me when you have a fright
i'll be here
maybe not in body; but in mind
always and forever,
yours truly to mine

gone without a trace
                          and my world keeps spinning
i'll forget your face
                            while your grave they're digging

don't panic
don't fear
I may be gone
but always near

every 98 seconds
a person is shattered like a piece of glass
or perhaps in the view of the perpetrator,
used and discarded like a piece of trash

you overthink ;
then you take a swig

If you were to speak to me in the light of day,
my poems would never look the same

Here we reveal our sadness and rage
Because in real life we're puppets on a stage

This is why all poets are exactly the same
we are all actors, exposed by a blank page.